BORDERLINE
WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES;
Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
Given
the hundreds of letters I get from men who desperately want to "help"
the Borderline after their troubling affair has ended, I suppose
this article's time has finally come. I understand that you tirelessly
tried to assist her, teach her and rescue her during that
relationship, and you're wrestling with letting go of this fixation,
weeks or months later. You may even be keeping your perceptions
about what really went on in your dynamic under wraps,
for fear of hurting her feelings--or risking that she won't speak
to you again. In essence, you're still walking on eggshells, and
putting her needs first.
The
Borderline Waif seldom exhibits the harsh or volatile traits we've
come to associate with other BPD types. Waifs usually appear fragile,
needful and victimized by their relationships and life
circumstances. You'll feel compelled to save them from
their difficulties--which should set off your warning lights. These
people might blame their struggles on elements outside
their control, like karmic retribution; "I must have done
something really awful in a past life, to deserve this!"
When relationships falter, they're the victim.
The Waif Mother enmeshes
her children, making them feel responsible for her mood, survival
and well-being. If Waifs engage therapeutic support, it's typically
in the midst of a severe crisis; given they're inherently resistant
to change and growth (which threatens their precarious sense
of control), their progress in therapy tends to be slow, and
there are frequent setbacks and regressions. Since helplessness
is the Waif's core emotional theme, options and choices that are
healthier/more productive, are generally avoided. Perhaps your lover
is continuously struggling with some sort of drama or challenge,
and you've repeatedly offered sound suggestions and tried to help--but
to no avail. As difficult as this is to fathom, when you throw a
life preserver to a Waif, she ignores/disregards it (throws it back),
or resents the gesture.
Do
not presume the waif borderline is always physically thin. I've
observed plenty of these folks who are overweight or even rotund,
but display classic victim, martyr, helpless/hopeless personality
traits. Remember, BPD is often accompanied by eating disorders,
and compulsive overeating
is common--but may only show up later in life (just look at all
the actresses/actors who've become grossly overweight as they've
aged). Vanity, plus stringent dieting, purging and other methods
of weight control kept these people svelte during their younger
years, when professional opportunities were more available--but
they've finally given-in to their compulsions, and let themselves
go.
Borderlines
are more comfortable with pain, than with pleasure.
If
all one has ever known is struggle and survival, this is what feels
familiar and "normal." The Waif has a very difficult time
surrendering this well-worn groove, because there's comfort in it--no
matter how dire her circumstances have become. It's as if she knows
how to survive the waves that threaten to drown her--but never swims
to shore, because safety and calm are radically foreign and frightening
concepts! In essence, anything that's unknown to the Borderline,
is an intimidating mystery that's better left alone.
The
Waif may be referenced or thought of, as "the quiet Borderline."
You get the feeling she can't fend for herself, and you'll try to
help--even after it's over between you. Your
altruism might be noble, if it weren't masking your pain,
and feelings of emotional impotency where she's concerned. What's
unfortunate, is your Ego is in serious need of mending in the aftermath
of this relationship, yet much of your attention is still
focused on how to make things better for her, help her avoid ruining
other men's lives--and needing to think you've made some kind of
difference in this woman's world. I have two words for
you: Stop it!
Even
if you've become "really close" with her family members
or friends, and you feel an irrepressible need to share with them
your newfound knowledge about Borderline Personality traits after
countless hours of internet research, you'll only intensify
her pain! The primary reason she's still in this position, is denial.
Denial is a survival reflex that helps us defend against
facing that which we're not ready to confront, and it's there to
protect us. Besides this, within the realm of personality disorders,
apples seldom fall far from trees--and I assure you, this news will
not be appreciated or utilized by them.
Damsels
in Distress and your Hero Complex:
When
the Waif shared tales about former boyfriends or lovers who assaulted
her, you were outraged. These accounts inspired
your fierce need to protect her--while assuring yourself, it'll
be different with you; why not--you're
one of the "good guys!" During these storytellings, you
were made to feel heroic, exceptional and uniquely unlike
all the others. But no matter how convincing this woman is, you
must resist the temptation to believe what she tells you. While
it may be true that she was tormented or struck, you may
soon come to realize how those men might have gotten pushed to the
brink of violence. Borderlines have grown up with abuse and/or neglect--tragically
(again), it's what feels natural.
Waifs might finally leave their abusers, but they'll often hook
up with another, and another, and another.
The
Waif seduces you with her fragility. If your childhood
experiences turned you into a mediator, fixer or rescuer, this woman
or man presents
you with plenty of opportunities to feel powerful, in charge and
in-control. You thrive on these, for they (temporarily) appease
your need to be needed, which has formed the basis of your self-worth--but
have you ever felt valued and loved for simply being, instead
of doing?
Your
Borderline might have been so insecure and needy, you felt reasonably
certain she would never leave you--but at times, secretly
hoped she would. Her physical ailments inspired your sympathy and
determination to protect her, but you often marveled at how someone
so young could be so sickly! For the most part, your relationship
moved along pretty smoothly, until you tried to express
any personal concerns or needs. The Waif can't handle that; after
all, it's clearly been your job
to take care of her. The minute you had a need,
she either made you wrong for it, shut-down/punished you or left.
The
Waif deflects your efforts to guide her/him toward more
productive or effective solutions with "yah-buts"--or
keeps shifting the topic, which is exasperating. Borderlines are
wired differently than you. Accept it!
You
must begin to realize that you will never
save the Waif. The only time Waifs make progress with reference
to healing or growth, is within a unique, extended-term therapeutic
alliance that can help them recover from painful, buried core trauma.
If they are committed to achieving wholeness/wellness
during this process, they might improve. Some of these individuals
will be able to create productive lives and form balanced, healthy
attachments--and some will not. How do I know this? I've worked
with 'em.
Perhaps in contrast to other
borderline types, the Waif may be more likely to exhibit childlike
qualities that you could initially find endearing--but later on,
resent. As this relationship unfolds, you'll be noticing what seems
to be her limited common sense, her inability to comprehend adult
reason, her lack of impulse control and her non-reciprocation. Essentially,
you'll be the grown-up who's always rowing this boat, and she'll
be the carefree child passenger.
The primary emotions you will
feel in this relationship are frustration, shame and guilt. Enmeshment
by the Waif Mother means learning in childhood, that her
feelings always came before yours--so happiness or the lack
of it hinges on her moods. Being raised by
a Waif means we feel guilty, just for feeling good--unless
those 'good' sensations are simultaneously shared by Mother.
Children of Borderline Waifs often enter helping/healing professions,
as their early years were spent trying to mitigate the mother's
fears, worry, sadness, hopelessness and emotional withdrawal. Psychotherapists,
doctors, nurses, rescue workers, etc., can acquire an intense need
to feel needed and make a difference, in a way that was never
possible to accomplish with their parent.
Continuous hyper-vigilance
is required to discern the Waif's emotional state, so we can determine
our own. When our Waif Lover is sad, so are we.
The only way to flee the heavy darkness of her despair and not feel
guilty about it, is to kick into high gear and fix
whatever has prompted her bad mood--so that we can
rebalance, and feel okay again. You were groomed for this
as a little kid, and it has influenced all your romantic choices.
Where do I end, and
You begin?
During
a relationship upset, your Waif is far more likely to cry or get
weepy, than rage at you. The 'waterworks' always make you feel guilty--so
you'll do and say almost anything to elevate her mood,
and make it better. But what do you do when she shuts down, takes
herself away, and won't speak with you for hours or days at a time?
The Waif's coldness and unresponsiveness can feel torturous--you
might even prefer that she'd yell at you, rather than shut you out!
When she's ready to let you in again, she'll try to initiate long,
dramatic conversations about the recent rupture, and you'll spend
too many exhausting phone hours trying to get over this
speed-bump. You'll feel relief when you're finally back
on solid ground--until the next time this
cycle hits, and you're back in the soup.
Enmeshment is the inability
to discern and separate one's own feelings and needs from another's.
A simple example would be, when a couple's trying to decide on which
restaurant or movie they want, and each is unable to assert his
or her preference, for fear of incurring the other's disappointment.
This usually prompts the vicious cycle; "well, I don't
know--what do you want to do?" These
people live with considerable ambivalence, inner emptiness and
deadness. Personal feelings and needs were discarded early
on, when the Waif Mother's need was to keep her
toddler from separating/individuating, which is when his codependency
and narcissism
were born. You'll continually feel sorry for your waif--and have
the compulsion to repair or rescue her, so you can feel
happier or at peace. You'll also be apologizing for disappointing
her, way more than you should. Feel your emotions, let
her experience hers--and stop this "sorry"
reflex now!
Every child who perceives
upset/discord in his parent's facial expressions or demeanor, thinks
it's his fault--and experiences shame.
A youngster hasn't acquired the capacity for reasoning or analysis
of events, so his/her natural response to the most subtle signs
of the parent's frustration, discontent or sadness, is interpreted
as they are to blame for it! Children are
extremely sensitive to vibrational changes around them. When any
child notices their parent's distress, he/she will ask; "Mommy,
what's wrong?" A healthy/whole mother understands her child's
need for comfort and reassurance that it has nothing to do with
him, and replies with an explanation he can understand,
along with assurances that this sadness or anger will shortly pass.
But the Waif Mother handles this very differently, and projects
her core belief that "life's too hard," onto
her child. From this, he forms an anxiety that asserts; "if
something should happen to you, what will become of me?"
and all later attachments are fraught with this concern.
The Waif is a Martyr
who threatens loss of love packaged with Guilt, to manipulate
us into rescuing, or taking care of her.
The man-child of a Waif Mother
is anxiously attached to females he dates, and consistently chooses
partners he thinks will never leave him--or that he won't miss
when they do. The needy/clingy Waif or
emotionally vapid Siren perfectly fits this profile--until she deserts
him for another. This is when his fragile ego takes a nose-dive,
and core abandonment shame is triggered. He may know he doesn't
really want her--but desperately needs to be wanted, to
ease the hideously painful lack of worth he feels from her rejection!
This issue alone, can send
him into perilous
pain and longing for any woman who has pried the lid
off his Pandora's Box of self-esteem wounds. Thus, his misguided,
frantic pursuit to win her back, begins in ernest.
Borderlines are brilliant
at making you feel shameful and guilty, but the Waif is probably
the most masterful at playing the Blame Game. You'll be
bending over backwards to please her during the relationship, because
the guilt she'll dump on you if you don't, isn't
worth the sleepless nights you'll spend trying to get back into
her good graces, and beating yourself up.
Long
after your romance has bitten the dust, you'll keep trying to redeem
yourself--after all, this relationship failed because of You, right?
Sure, that's what she's got you believing, so you'll continue to
be her indentured servant until one of you expires! Aside from this
junk tapping directly into your self-esteem issues, it has critical
ramifications for any future attachments you may forge.
That's right, The Waif's needs will always have to come first--and
the new
Mrs. So-and-So will have to content herself with being relegated
to the back seat. Don't be a fool. Get therapeutic help to recognize
all you did right in that relationship--before you screw
up the rest of your life.
Don't judge a book
by its cover. Always read beyond the first chapter!
The Borderline Waif might
be a caregiver type with long-held codependency issues.
From the start of this relationship, your needs may have been very
well attended to, and her nature was generous and kind--in fact,
sometimes she gave far more than you felt comfortable receiving.
But as this love affair progressed, you were continuously made acutely
aware of how and when you let her down, disappointed her or hurt
her feelings. Naturally, this made you feel terrible about yourself,
'cause how could you possibly be so ungrateful? This may
tap into childhood guilt, that involved trying to please or save
your mom--but painfully coming to realize that you couldn't. Boyhood
shame can drive Herculean efforts to be a mind reader or
Mommy for these women (who lacked solid bonding with their
mothers) but no man is capable of assuming these roles, or healing
the archaic issues that drive her demands.
The enmeshed Caregiver-Waif
often makes statements like; "I'm very proud of you,"
but this relates to parenting deficits within her childhood. Her
need to have heard these confirmations from her mother,
is being transferred onto you, via projection. This means, she's
actually needing what she's bestowing on you, while modeling
appropriate parental support: Vicarious satisfaction
is gained by the child who somehow manages to take better care of
his/her parent, than they've managed to receive. At the very heart
of codependency,
is the capacity to derive pleasure from giving
what we desperately seek and need for ourselves! This unhealthy
reflex is usually acquired in infancy.
The
Borderline's mixed messages keep you confused and off-center. It's
not that they do this stuff deliberately, but their distorted perceptions
and labile moods make you feel like a horse, who's constantly having
his reins jerked right and left, to where he's overwhelmed
and paralyzed--or furious enough to buck that rider off his back!
You're damned when you react, because the Borderline seizes
this opportunity to sanction her punishing and
abandoning behaviors--and you're damned when you don't, because
you're forced to flee your disquieting ambivalence about
remaining or leaving, with alcohol/drug abuse, working longer hours,
overeating, etc., just to cope!
Think
that therapeutic professionals are immune to Borderlines? Think
again. Dialogues with personality disordered individuals leave us
all feeling like we need a shower to wash off the toxic
sludge their devaluations and guilt trips leave behind. The quicker
you terminate these conversations, the better.
The
Waif is a Wolf in sheep's clothing--and no less diabolical.
Your
compulsions to return for another drink from the Borderline's toxic
well despite how rejecting and injurious she is to you, stems from
your desperate need for reprieve from emotional exile.
You're wanting to escape the shame of having been banished from
her kingdom, because it hurts way too much--and drudges up abandonment
despair from your childhood. These sensations are so distressing,
you've learned to bury them with various
addictions and compensatory
behaviors--but the Borderline brings those old wounds right to the
surface.
Waifs can be less overtly
sexual or seductive than Siren Borderlines, which makes them seem
like 'good girls.' They may readily apologize (sometimes, profusely)
after your relationship tussles--which makes them appear capable
of empathy. This is far more about abandonment concerns and enmeshment
issues, than their actual capacity to see your perspective,
and it perpetuates those come here/go away cycles in this dance.
They'll tell you how wonderful you are--but then the slightest oversight
lands you back on their hit list.
Men are usually incapable
of letting themselves even imagine that their waif could
cheat on them, or have an affair; "she's just not the type!"
Her good girl image may have been backed-up with stories or comments
that have led you to think of her in a sort of pristine fashion.
The Madonna Waif makes you wait a substantial amount
of time, before she's "ready" to get physical or sexual--which
reinforces your sense of her virtue. Borderlines will only
let you know what they're wanting or needing you to know. The fabrications
and lies start from the very beginning--which is why it seems like
you've noticed so many mixed signals and contradictions.
Waifs tend to be devoid of
darker emotions--or at least, unwilling to express them. Again,
they're the good girls who may come across as passive,
meek and amenable to almost anything that's thrown at them. Unfortunately,
this means they act-out their feelings passive-aggressively,
rather than telling you about them. It also means that you're
the one who's stuck with all the emotions for the two of you. When
one partner is passive, the other must be active. Anger is usually
expressed by the active partner--but punished by the passive
one, which often takes the form of withdrawal or retreat.
Do not make the mistake of
thinking this woman is helpless. She isn't! Most are extremely resilient
and resourceful (survivors generally are), but they're
reliant/needy around You. They might be highly
proficient professionals, but the 'rescue me' act surfaces when
you're around. Did she seem a bit troubled or tragic when
you met? Did this later seem incongruent with her job title or responsibilities?
The Waif's duality lets her be independent in her world,
but incompetent or frail in yours. How else, could you get to be
her Hero?
Understanding
the heart of this matter, and how you're impacted by it.
Waifs started building survival
skills throughout infancy and childhood. Very early on, they learned
that others responded to them, when they appeared hurt, fragile
and helpless. They usually couldn't get nurturing attention from
Mother, unless they were very sick or bleeding after a
fall. A child at risk for acquiring mood disorders and/or personality
disorders senses very early, that he/she cannot consistently depend
on someone for their care. Quite often, they'll misbehave to
get negative attention, which helps mitigate feelings of invisibility
and lack of worth or importance to the parent. Some children even
fantasize about meeting with a horrible accident--or even dying,
in order to gain some sense of the parent's tender concern, and
feel valued. Could this have also been
true for You?
While you're in this relationship
and afterward, this woman keeps projecting her own feelings
of inadequacy/shame onto you. She can't take ownership of her shortcomings,
or see the cracks in her own mirror; she's too fractured to withstand
any self-reflection that might reveal her flaws. You of course,
are a picture screen for her life-long complexes and frustrations--and
she makes sure you know it! You'll often feel like you're viewing
yourself in a Fun House mirror, for her perceptions of you are grossly
distorted. After this affair ends, she will not consider that she's
even partly at fault--and given her inherent lack of boundaries,
might contact your friends or family members to absolve herself
of any blame or shame for this outcome! Naturally, she's
the Victim, and the sad demise of this relationship is all on You.
Pretty cunning, huh?
Some men have reported a shocking/sharp
decline in their ex's appearance, after a long-term marriage
or affair ends. While this relationship managed to survive the Waif's
resentment and rebellion (as you'd expect from a petulant child),
it might have been the only thing that kept her
relatively stable and on-course. We could be tempted to speculate
that her newfound "freedom" prompted this psychic/emotional
instability, which lead to decompensation--but in truth, a panoply
of contributing factors (like alcohol/drug abuse) could have played
a role. The most apparent signs of deterioration are significant
weight loss, facial eruptions/breakouts, bruises, cuts or scrapes--and
other distress cues, such as poor grooming. In short, she literally
looks waif-like.
This metamorphosis can tug
at your heartstrings, and make it really tough to resist the temptation
to assist her in any/all ways that you can, but this is driven by
your inability to feel compassion for yourself--and that's
where our inner work needs to be done. You've spent so much of your
life becoming powerful and in-control, there's been absolutely no
room for vulnerability of any type. In essence, while you've disconnected
from more fragile aspects in yourself, you're drawn to
these within the Borderline. This is projection.
The
bigger picture, a clinical perspective--and multiple diagnoses:
Many of the Borderlines I've
seen had dual or mixed diagnoses, which made assisting them, especially
challenging. Any cyclical neurological issues such as Bipolar
Disorders and ADD/ADHD
exacerbated their mood instability, and frequently contributed to
setbacks and regressions. Acute declines generally responded to
temporary, slight adjustments to their meds, but unfortunately still
prompted intense/irrational abandonment fears, self-harming behaviors,
relationship conflicts and suicidal thoughts that erupted until
brain chemistry rebalanced.
Some therapists are acquainted
with personality disorder concerns, but many are not. Surprisingly,
this topic is barely addressed during undergraduate or graduate
course work, yet narcissistic and borderline traits weigh heavily
on societies all over the globe, and play a prominent role in relational
conflicts.
I'm guessing that because
of this lack of education and/or experience, even a clinician might
fail to recognize The Waif, as she fits a different paradigm
than the more highly reputed, radical/volatile features of other
Borderlines. I can assure you first hand though, The Waif
instantly inspires your sympathy and protection. Initially, you'll
want to help her surmount every stressor--but before you know it,
you're confronted with issues that are way beyond your layman's
ability to control or manage. This can provoke feelings of guilt
and shame, so you keep struggling to repair something that's
irreparable.
HOT
OFF THE PRESS:
IF
LOOKS COULD KILL - Anatomy of a Borderline
NEW!
THE
GOOD WIFE - Who's helping You, when his Ex is a Borderline?
For
women; learn about the
borderline male.
If you've been drawn to this
piece, it's very likely you have rescuing or fixing compulsions.
I strongly suggest you read this
article, for understanding and insights about this shame-based
tendency. My writings are intended to be anecdotal and helpful.
They can assist you with gaining valuable information about yourself--while
offering a blueprint, for building healthier attachments. These
materials will not 'cure' you, but you might begin to see the wisdom
in doing some solid inner work, to help you heal and grow. Phone
sessions are available.