SALT
TO THE WOUND
Moving Beyond a Borderline Break-up
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
You
might be licking fresh wounds in the aftermath of your BPD break-up,
or you may have somehow gotten beyond craving your Borderline at
this point. If that's true, and you're continuing to ache and obsess,
it's very likely you're beating yourself up for staying too long--or
getting involved at all. This is counterproductive behavior, and
there are effective ways to quit it.
The
toughest part of having gotten tangled up with a borderline disordered
individual, is that they always leave you with toxic shame.
Borderlines have an uncanny ability to get you to open-up, be vulnerable
and trust them. You generally feel pretty safe at the beginning--which
may be because they're so frank with you, due to their
lack of boundaries. You think to yourself; "gee, if they're
so revealing about themselves, maybe it's okay for me to
be, too." A sincere person naturally inspires our trust--but
the Borderline can play-act at sincerity, and then drop you on your
head without remorse or conscience.
During
this relationship, you navigated exquisite ups and devastating downs.
If he or she acted lovingly, you started trusting that you were
lovable. When you were diminished, guilted or shamed for behaving
imperfectly (according to your lover), you felt undesirable, ashamed
and worthless. In short, you've allowed this guy or gal to micro-manage
your pleasure and pain--but that's a dangerous amount of power to
give away.
The
sad reality is, you've probably been way too hard on yourself your
entire life--and that's what made you susceptible to this
person in the first place! You did not develop self-worth issues
during this affair--they were cultivated in you from a
really early age. It's critical for us to amend that, or you'll
be likely to repeat this painful experience over and over again,
no matter how savvy you've become about Borderline Personality
Disorder. It's either this, or you'll never trust yourself to love
anyone again--and that's just tragic.
Recovery
isn't only about learning how to stop those endless negative tapes
in your head, which have fashioned you into a compulsive perfectionist.
It's about beginning to figure out who you really are (and aren't),
and starting to respect and like yourself, so you
can raise this relationship bar in the future. After all, the better
you feel about You, the more circumspect and discerning
you'll be about others you allow to share your time, your affection
and your world. Think about it this way; when you're impoverished,
you'll drive an old jalopy and feel grateful that it runs, and gets
you where you're going. As you acquire some success, you'll start
wanting to drive a newer/hotter car, 'cause that's what you know
you deserve. You've earned it.
Maybe
it seems like I'm speaking a foreign language right now, especially
if you're presently self-medicating with alcohol/drugs, food, over-work,
fanatic gym workouts, etc. Your whole life has been spent trying
to run away from these difficult feelings, and you've found
very inventive ways to do that: It's called addiction.
Incidentally, these negative, self-flagellating tapes running in
your head are the loudest and most destructive, during the 'quiet
times.'
Caregiver
personalities are 'busy-bodies' who compulsively keep themselves
running--despite sensations of tiredness, illness, injury,
etc. If your entire sense of identity is contingent on how well
you take care of everybody else, how is it ever possible to slow
down, and respond to your personal feelings and needs?
Busy-bodies are typically unable to distinguish
between feelings and thoughts. These folks are accustomed to thinking
their way through life, as opposed to feeling their
way along. Instincts and intuitions are discarded along with other
vital sensations, that function as our built-in survival guide.
Their absence can leave us frantically shooting in the dark, and
settling for non-fulfilling relationships, to flee dreadful emptiness
that feels worse than most types of pain. Caregivers addictively
choose codependent
relationships.
Codependents
are way too tough on themselves due to self-loathing,
which was a learned response to abuse and/or neglect in childhood.
Perhaps they left home to flee shaming criticisms--but continue
beating-up on themselves for perceived imperfections. It's
imperative you get help to change this!
The
Borderline does a spectacular job of distracting you from these
thoughts and all the feelings that accompany them--because there
are no quiet times! This guy/gal's been an all-consuming,
full-time occupation--and there's zero opportunity
to connect with yourself. Even if you do, you're obsessing about
him/her--and your mind is imploding. In all likelihood, that's going
on right now, and not feeling, is your
payoff for over-analyzing all this. Are you able to discern
the difference between feelings and thoughts? I'll help you learn.
In
reality, it's been easier subjecting yourself to the Borderline's
abuse than hanging out with You--because when you're beating-up
on yourself, you can't defend against your attacker. Basically,
you're pouring salt on open wounds that are still trying to heal.
How much sense does that make?!
Taking
'responsibility' for your predicament is only useful in hindsight,
so you can learn from mistakes you've made along the way, and not
repeat them. It is not useful while you're trying
to mend from any sort of upset or trauma! It keeps you from being
with Your feelings, honoring them, and getting to the other side
of that struggle. Basically, your poor brain gets trapped in playing
both sides of the net--and that doesn't
work in tennis, or in love. Maybe you learned this ridiculous
habit in childhood or later--but it sure doesn't serve you here.
In fact, it speaks to enmeshment--and
that's dysfunctional.
The
part of you that's rational and reasonably healthy, knows that nobody
is worth killing yourself over! If your best buddy related this
entire incident and the trauma he or she is still dragging around
about all this, you'd be shaking some sense into them, and telling
'em to snap out of it! Well my dear, you'd be able to do exactly
that, if this wasn't drudging up ancient issues for you.
I
am not in the therapy business--I'm in the healing
business. Typically, the BPD relationship is like a train
wreck waiting to happen. Deep, excruciating feelings that
are invoked during and after these involvements are connected to
childhood pain--and now is your opportunity to mend. This
isn't just some process that's designed to give you insights.
It can be growth-producing and life-altering. You'll come to know
yourself better--but more importantly, you will finally gain a sense
of inner peace and anchoring, you've been needing your entire life.
That's the stuff no one can take away
from you.
Stay
tuned for more.
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