Inside the BPD Odyssey
By Shari Schreiber,
involved with a Borderline can feel glorious. Remaining with one
can feel torturous beyond your wildest imagination.
many of my articles speak directly to what spawns Borderline Personality
Disorder. Not only do they help you understand what makes them
tick, they also uncover and explain the root of your attraction
to this type of individual.
piece reveals precisely how you feel, as a BPD relationship
evolves past the Honeymoon stage. It's intended to help you learn
that your experiences with a Borderline are not unique, so you can
begin untangling the hold this person has over you, and begin to
regain your sanity.
you'll feel a sense of disbelief when it starts going bad. You will
think of this incongruency with the guy/gal you've fallen for, as
a 'fluke' that will quickly be remedied.
will feel disappointment and frustration that your efforts to resolve
a problem can't be talked through and rectified~ especially
when it appears to be such a simple, trivial issue.
feel disheartened that the more you try to resolve even a slight
upset, the faster it escalates~ and in the process, the fault of
that upset is always attributed to You.
feel shocked and hurt by your lover's accusations, and the fact
that he/she could view you so negatively! All of a sudden, you're
seen as "selfish, mean, dishonest, hurtful, inconsiderate,
weak/needy, evil," etc. This won't feel congruent with your
self-view, but you'll start questioning yourself, just the same.
desperately attempt to defend yourself against your lover's hateful,
inaccurate statements~ while at the same time, trying to comfort
his/her "hurt" feelings, and make it right.
marvel at how he or she could have adored you just moments before
this upset, yet perceive you as so despicable and unlovable now.
you know, is that you must do everything in your power to reconnect
with that loving partner you've known from the start~ but your efforts
start feeling like a losing proposition.
presume that this rupture must in some way be Your fault, and you
start obsessing about what you might have done wrong to trigger
it, so that you can avert this kind of incident from ever
when you think the dust is settling, and your lover is finally starting
to forgive and forget, another catastrophe hits.
be hyper-vigilant and walk on eggshells to avoid unsettling your
lover, and risking another horrifying explosion.
barely recovered from the last dramatic episode, but now
"you're to blame" for prompting another one~
and on and on it goes.
feel like you can never 'get it right' with your BPD partner, and
he/she will find fault with you no matter how hard you try to behave
differently or better.
when you think you can please him or her the rules
change, and you're frantically trying to keep-up with this
person's new or modified expectations of you.
find it mystifying, that your lover could have such awful perceptions
of you, but the more you defend yourself and point out how wrong
they are, the worse your argument gets.
gradually learn to stop engaging when your BPD lover acts crazy,
for there's no way to reason with him/her when they're on the attack.
You start to think that your silence will diffuse the attack, but
it almost never does.
when you're starting to think about leaving the relationship, your
lover acts sweet, caring and rational. The recent upset seems to
have been spliced
out of your previous interactions, and they might even apologize
for their bad behavior.
apology from your lover feels terrific in the moment~ but it inspires
false hope that this particular struggle will never occur again,
and your romance can actually work. That's just wishful thinking,
because a Borderline doesn't feel true remorse, due to their lack
of empathy. If they did, you'd be happily enjoying your connection
with him/her, building trust, and feeling at ease.
really want to believe and trust his/her apology, and so
you do. Life feels pretty good for a few days, and then out of the
blue another rampage hits, and you're trapped in a painful, familiar
on an emotional roller-coaster, and it's not gonna get any better
as time goes on~ in fact, you can expect that it will get a lot
worse. A Borderline's acting-out behaviors always escalate, each
time their relationship moves to the next level of closeness or
commitment. Moving in together, jointly buying property, getting
engaged, getting married or having a child together will insure
that their anxiety about becoming more deeply invested will trigger
a major upheaval between you, and this upset won't start settling
down anytime soon.
if your Borderline has nagged or pressured you for years to cohabit
or marry him/her and it's been totally their idea, you're in for
trouble, the moment you give in to their stated wishes or demands.
There are no exceptions.
can make it work with a Borderline, and this is not due to any fault
or shortcoming on your part. Yes, some partners remain
for decades with BPD individuals~ but those relationships are never
loving and harmonious, so I recommend against it~ unless you're
truly addicted to pain, and the enlivening feelings that it generates
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