LOVING A BORDERLINE
Inside the BPD Odyssey

By Shari Schreiber, M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com

 

Getting involved with a Borderline can feel glorious. Remaining with one can feel torturous beyond your wildest imagination.

So many of my articles speak directly to what spawns Borderline Personality Disorder. Not only do they help you understand what makes them tick, they also uncover and explain the root of your attraction to this type of individual.

This piece reveals precisely how you feel, as a BPD relationship evolves past the Honeymoon stage. It's intended to help you learn that your experiences with a Borderline are not unique, so you can begin untangling the hold this person has over you, and begin to regain your sanity.

First, you'll feel a sense of disbelief when it starts going bad. You will think of this incongruency with the guy/gal you've fallen for, as a 'fluke' that will quickly be remedied.

You will feel disappointment and frustration that your efforts to resolve a problem can't be talked through and rectified~ especially when it appears to be such a simple, trivial issue.

You'll feel disheartened that the more you try to resolve even a slight upset, the faster it escalates~ and in the process, the fault of that upset is always attributed to You.

You'll feel shocked and hurt by your lover's accusations, and the fact that he/she could view you so negatively! All of a sudden, you're seen as "selfish, mean, dishonest, hurtful, inconsiderate, weak/needy, evil," etc. This won't feel congruent with your self-view, but you'll start questioning yourself, just the same.

You'll desperately attempt to defend yourself against your lover's hateful, inaccurate statements~ while at the same time, trying to comfort his/her "hurt" feelings, and make it right.

You'll marvel at how he or she could have adored you just moments before this upset, yet perceive you as so despicable and unlovable now.

All you know, is that you must do everything in your power to reconnect with that loving partner you've known from the start~ but your efforts start feeling like a losing proposition.

You presume that this rupture must in some way be Your fault, and you start obsessing about what you might have done wrong to trigger it, so that you can avert this kind of incident from ever happening again.

Just when you think the dust is settling, and your lover is finally starting to forgive and forget, another catastrophe hits.

You'll be hyper-vigilant and walk on eggshells to avoid unsettling your lover, and risking another horrifying explosion.

You've barely recovered from the last dramatic episode, but now "you're to blame" for prompting another one~ and on and on it goes.

You'll feel like you can never 'get it right' with your BPD partner, and he/she will find fault with you no matter how hard you try to behave differently or better.

Just when you think you can please him or her the rules change, and you're frantically trying to keep-up with this person's new or modified expectations of you.

You'll find it mystifying, that your lover could have such awful perceptions of you, but the more you defend yourself and point out how wrong they are, the worse your argument gets.

You'll gradually learn to stop engaging when your BPD lover acts crazy, for there's no way to reason with him/her when they're on the attack. You start to think that your silence will diffuse the attack, but it almost never does.

Just when you're starting to think about leaving the relationship, your lover acts sweet, caring and rational. The recent upset seems to have been spliced out of your previous interactions, and they might even apologize for their bad behavior.

An apology from your lover feels terrific in the moment~ but it inspires false hope that this particular struggle will never occur again, and your romance can actually work. That's just wishful thinking, because a Borderline doesn't feel true remorse, due to their lack of empathy. If they did, you'd be happily enjoying your connection with him/her, building trust, and feeling at ease.

You really want to believe and trust his/her apology, and so you do. Life feels pretty good for a few days, and then out of the blue another rampage hits, and you're trapped in a painful, familiar struggle again.

You're on an emotional roller-coaster, and it's not gonna get any better as time goes on~ in fact, you can expect that it will get a lot worse. A Borderline's acting-out behaviors always escalate, each time their relationship moves to the next level of closeness or commitment. Moving in together, jointly buying property, getting engaged, getting married or having a child together will insure that their anxiety about becoming more deeply invested will trigger a major upheaval between you, and this upset won't start settling down anytime soon.

Even if your Borderline has nagged or pressured you for years to cohabit or marry him/her and it's been totally their idea, you're in for trouble, the moment you give in to their stated wishes or demands. There are no exceptions.

NOBODY can make it work with a Borderline, and this is not due to any fault or shortcoming on your part. Yes, some partners remain for decades with BPD individuals~ but those relationships are never loving and harmonious, so I recommend against it~ unless you're truly addicted to pain, and the enlivening feelings that it generates for you.

 

 

If you have an iPhone, iPad or iPod this app will let you hear this material; http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/web-reader-text-to-speech/id320808874?mt=8

 

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