DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

By Shari Schreiber, M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com

 

How often have you heard yourself say, "I'm a giver, not a taker"? Have you experienced discomfort when receiving something from another, whether it's a kind gesture, favor or gift? Do you know what it's like to be in a reciprocal relationship? If these questions are triggering familiar sensations, it means you started learning this inclination in childhood, and were made to feel that receiving supplies of attention, affection and emotional support came at a substantial cost to your parent(s). As a natural outcome of this, you began putting the needs of others far ahead of your own, because doing otherwise meant punishment, guilt and/or shame.

None of us grew up being perfectly parented--in fact it's virtually impossible to anticipate that this could even happen. Alas, we are all products of our experiences, which have impacted us to one degree or another, and that's what this piece attempts to address. There will likely be parts of this article that you'll relate to, and other parts you won't--but if any of this material opens a doorway to greater self-awareness, healing might begin for you and your child, parent or spouse, and that's my objective.

This literature is extraordinarily dense with meaning, and must be absorbed very slowly, to help you understand why your love affairs haven't worked out the way you've wanted them to. It's best that you read no more than three paragraphs a day--then ask yourself; what's this segment trying to teach me about myself? so you can learn, and actually benefit from it.

When you're a self-proclaimed "giver," it's very likely you've been raised in a home where certain needs were not acknowledged or adequately responded to, and you've compensated for this deficit, by becoming a caregiver. Even if you felt like your parents were overburdened in some way, you might have tried to become an invisible child, so as not to place more demand on them.

As a young kid, you may have discovered that taking care of another's needs provided vicarious satisfaction, and a sense of safety, empowerment or self-worth. Whether you've promoted another's dependency on you emotionally, physically or financially as an adult, feeling needed has fortified your self-esteem--but it's also eased your abandonment concerns, which forms the basis of these relational choices.

Wounds to one's sense of Self during infancy and early childhood, are often referred to as core damage/trauma or narcissistic injury, within the body of this text. In simple terms, having core issues means that the 'hub' of your wheel has been broken or damaged in some manner. When the very center of your being is compromised, all the spokes which emanate from that point will be weak, and susceptible to breaking. Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence, as it shapes self-worth, and influences how we think about and take care of ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.

Since core trauma results from poor or inadequate parenting from as early as infancy, this wounding inevitably causes relationship problems in adulthood. Unfortunately, no amount of reading on this topic can mend core issues, for what's needed is solid reparenting to replace the faulty original template we grew to accept as 'normal' in childhood. In truth, this is a relationship issue, which requires resolution within a corrective, therapeutic relational bond.

Core-damaged children grow into needful adults. They might fear that if they let themselves love somebody as intensely as they want to, that person will shriek, run off into the night, and abandon them. Their sense of need feels gigantic, and often painful. It presumes that someone on the receiving end won't be able to handle it--which triggers shame for being "so needy." This shame makes one want to shut-down their needs (or control them), which is a defense that has one giving to others, what he/she desperately requires. It also has them choosing emotionally unavailable partners who reactivate painful sensations that reinforce their childhood abandonment trauma.

Entitlement issues have to do with poor self-worth, and our inability to feel deserving/worthy of receiving what we need and want. Healthy self-esteem means that we're equally as comfortable 'getting' as giving. Our desperate, unrelenting quest to gain acceptance and approval from others (so that we can feel good about ourselves) is central to compulsive giving, and rescuing or fixing behaviors. Lack of Self keeps us trying to fill the hole in our soul.

'Wounded Bird Syndrome' is an intricate relationship problem. It involves our subconscious need to select and remain with somebody who's impaired in some manner, and isn't likely to leave us for someone better. It's driven by our deep insecurity, and wish to avert abandonment.

Caregivers are 'easy marks' for individuals with personality disorder features. Their inability to recognize and honor their own feelings, instincts and needs leaves them highly susceptible to relationships that lack reciprocity, which is examined/explained in detail throughout this piece.

THE GRASS ROOTS OF AN INTRICATE, ANCIENT GARDEN

Every child who experiences deficits in nurturant attention, encouragement, affection, positive mirroring, etc. from his parent, presumes it's his/her fault, and experiences shame ("I'm not good enough/lovable"). This child grows up with the belief that if he/she tries just a little harder to gain these parental supplies, they will be forthcoming. Up to a point, this has them efforting to be perfectly helpful and useful--but it's not rewarded. The parent may praise an accomplishment--but does not convey the intrinsic lovability of this child, which reinforces his ideation that he must 'do,' in order to receive genuine acceptance or praise. Some kids experience performance fatigue, and give-up trying to get these crucial needs met, but carry the very same behaviors into their adult associations! Their painful hope that someone, someday will find them worthy of love, has them chasing after it (often, against all odds) in romantic partnerships. If they manage to find a partner who can initially mirror their worth, it concretizes that it might not have been their lack of lovability (with their parents) after all. The problem with this subconsciously driven need, is that they're selecting lovers who are cut from the same cloth as the people who raised them--and the end result is consistent/identical. This of course, reconstitutes their original shame (from parental neglect or abuse). The need to escape this horrible feeling, perpetuates an unrelenting compulsion to get love from partners who are incapable of supplying it.

This issue is exacerbated, when harsh treatment from one of our parents is not only permitted, but is sanctioned by the other with; "he/she really does love you." This is terribly confusing for a small child, for he/she experiences pain at the hands of Mom or Dad, but is repeatedly told that "it's Love." This skewed definition of what love is, taints our perceptions and sets us up for a lifetime of accepting that anguish in our relationships is normal, and loving is very hurtful. Any parent who's whitewashed abusiveness, has screwed up their child, for he'll always distrust his instincts and will lack common sense.

As you read through this material, you might experience sudden sleepiness or perhaps a little sadness. This is a somatic response, which means that a facet of you is identifying with various elements being discussed here--and they have important meaning for you. While you may decide to take a short break, rest assured that there is nothing to fear from these uncomfortable sensations, and I encourage you to continue. You'll get the most value from this information, if you return to the hyperlinks that take you to other pages after you've finished reading this article.

When a client tells me they had an "ideal childhood," or that his/her parents had a perfect, long-term marriage, I know we've got challenging work ahead. The reality is, if this were true, they would not be struggling to form healthy attachments--and they definitely wouldn't be needing my help. Denial keeps us trapped in self-blame for our failings, instead of putting the blame where it actually belongs. It also keeps us addicted to poor relational choices.

You may have convinced yourself that your parents "did the best they could" but if that's so, why are you having to invest all this time, money and effort in therapy and a litany of self-help venues, just to feel okay about yourself?

A child needs to feel valued by his/her parent. He needs to see welcome on the parent's face when he enters a room, and feel like he really matters, and is loved. Very few of us ever experienced this--in fact, what we consistently saw instead, were expressions of indifference or annoyance--and this shaped how we grew up feeling about ourselves!

In reality, your parent showed you a distorted reflection of yourself, and you've trusted it as accurate. How could Mom or Dad be wrong??

When we repeatedly feel confusion, disappointment or distress in childhood, we have to normalize those experiences in order to survive them. Often, we stow away these difficult feelings or make them not matter, so we're able to coexist with a variety of upsets--and the people responsible for them (our parents). The problem is, these survival strategies remain intact throughout our adulthood, and prompt serious issues like anxiety disorders, addictions, compulsive behaviors, attachment fears, impaired partner selection, etc.

When feelings are put away in childhood, our emotional growth is stunted. As we can't help but be drawn to partners who echo our earliest experiences and match our level of emotional development, we're naturally attracted to others who are as underdeveloped and damaged as we--which sets us up for failure in our Love life. These unions seem familiar and 'normal' to us, so there's an intoxicating, compelling drive to maintain them. This element is discussed in greater depth toward the end of this article--but the rest will help you discern why you've landed here.

I'm always astounded, when I work with clients who have any trust in God or sense of spirituality, after they've survived horrible cruelty at the hands of their parents. To a small child, the parent IS a god--someone he/she trusts implicitly and automatically, to protect and care for them. The stories I hear of the pain these people have endured are heartbreaking, and I'm amazed at their capacity to even approach trusting me.

A few of my clients have chosen to share this material with their parent. If You are a parent, and your grown child has gifted you this article or you've found it by chance, there's a strong likelihood they're needing your apology for some childhood issues they've struggled to surmount. If you're wanting to build a closer bond with him or her, any attempts to make amends must be heartfelt--and made without explanations or excuses! The reasons you weren't 'equipped' to do it differently or better, are of no use in context of easing the pain they still carry. In short, this effort can't become about you and your struggles, for while they may have empathy and understanding for your plight, they're still wrestling with unresolved wounds and trust issues. Healing is only possible, when someone you've hurt (even unwittingly) can feel your sincere remorse. While this process isn't easy, it can go a long way toward helping you repair any relationship where trust has been undermined.

THE CAREGIVER EQUATES BEING NEEDED, WITH BEING LOVED.

Your caregiving nature is drawn to codependent relationship dynamics with friends or lovers who are either handicapped, in crisis, emotionally/sexually underdeveloped, substance addicted or in recovery/rehab. You've unwittingly selected partners whose self-esteem is flagging, or whom in some way need rescuing--or extreme amounts of support or nurturing. Quite often, feelings of boredom or emptiness will prompt phone calls to friends who allow you to fuel/fix them with 'pep talks' or emotional/psychological bolstering, and you feel better afterward. Occasionally, you'll romantically connect with someone who initially shows promise or "potential," only to be disappointed and angry at the end of this relationship, having carried the financial and/or emotional weight for both of you! The subconscious theme that underlies this pairing process is: "If you NEED me, you'll never leave me."

In the rare event a selected lover presents as self-sufficient and non-needy, Caregivers are still compelled to encourage some level of dependency. This can be demonstrated by attempts to subtly undermine a partner's confidence in body image, wardrobe preference, dietary habits, work proficiency, sexual adequacy, etc. Basically, if there's opportunity to create (at least) an illusion of being indispensable and needed, abandonment concerns are averted. This behavior is driven by our subconscious determination to maintain inequity in relationships, for the one who needs the least is always the one in power.

Partners may unwittingly undermine themselves by losing jobs, getting sick, injured, etc., to be complicit with the dynamic you've needed to maintain in the relationship. There's always a payoff in this--as the unspoken agreement or 'contract' that was created when you two first joined remains unchanged, and neither of you has to budge from your established role, or comfort zone.

When a mate/partner is perceived as diminished (or less than) you feel more secure, in that you can control the relationship dynamic and manipulate its emotional climate to suit internal comfort levels. In truth, feeling needed is enhancing to your self-image, and reinforces a sense of well-being/safety; but if a lover gains some empowerment and develops a more equal footing, your Caregiver prowess feels suddenly diluted. This is when your emotional equilibrium is compromised and abandonment anxiety surfaces, prompting either sabotaging or clinging behaviors. Selection strategy generally insures against this outcome, as you will turn away from lovers or friends who are capable of meeting you on a more balanced playing field. Healthier choices require authentic self-esteem, which you may never have had opportunity to develop. You'll naturally guard against anybody discovering this secret, as covert shame (a remnant from childhood) steers you away from more viable, fully-integrated people who might notice your fragility and/or shortcomings.

But what's at the core of this issue?? Being loved in totality is something that Caregivers do not fundamentally believe is possible, as "negative" (or less appealing) traits and feelings have been suppressed since infancy, in order to gain more affection and care, and mitigate fears of abandonment. Essentially, this child has been emotionally blackmailed into responding to the needs of his/her mother, and personality aspects that were unpleasant or inconvenient for her to accommodate, are surrendered/discarded. Even if Mom just needed to shield her husband from any form of agitation, her child is conditioned to believe that specific facets and feelings are unacceptable and bad. As he matures, he will internalize and adopt this attitude toward himself; even the subtlest awareness of their presence makes him think he's unlovable and "bad," so he virtually amputates them out of his persona and becomes a People Pleaser, which could have serious health repercussions.

Cancers, stomach/intestinal problems, rheumatism, migraine headaches and Anxiety/Panic Disorders are only a few of the ailments that are triggered by long-held resentment and repressed rage. It's not that anger is bad--but it's harshly self-judged, and banished from the personality structure. This deficit in feelings/emotions results in a partial personality, instead of a whole one.

Partial personalities are attracted to dimensions/aspects in others, that are absent in themselves (think of a jigsaw puzzle searching for its own missing pieces in another, that houses a greater variety of shapes and colors), which is key to why they attach themselves to lovers who possess volatile, cruel or fragile personality facets. Their desire for a sense of completeness prompts them to seek it from others--instead of growing their own autonomous, fully dimentional and actualized Self.

ONE MAN'S CEILING IS ANOTHER MAN'S FLOOR.

Caregiver personalities learned to mitigate their emotional pain in childhood, by noticing others who were less fortunate. If they could observe another's far worse plight, it affirmed (by contrast) that theirs wasn't so bad after all--and it seemed more palatable. We've all grown up with platitudes; "I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no legs." You couldn't feel compassion for yourself, because there was always somebody else who had it a lot worse--and besides, "pity-parties" weren't allowed in your home!

If our parents judged or invalidated our pain, we learned to treat ourselves precisely the same way when uncomfortable emotions emerged. Core shame is experienced by the child whose anguish or emptiness is trivialized by a mom or dad who is disconnected from his/her own feelings and needs. This parent treats the child's feelings as bad or wrong, and admonishes him to "snap out of it," while assuring that others are far less fortunate than he.

There is no opportunity for this child to receive an empathic response to his pain, nor grow up with any capacity to respect his own feelings, and learn to self-soothe. He becomes an empty, robotic shell of an adult, for this is who he is schooled to become. His genuine feeling self is submerged/killed off.

DEFENSES, DENIAL AND DEATH OF THE REAL SELF.

The false-self is grandiose, to compensate for its inherent vulnerability. It's constructed from defenses and denial of true feelings, which keeps the real Self protected. This mighty, invincible aspect we construct early in life helps us surmount painful emotional deficits in childhood--but when we're grown, there's a heavy price to pay for maintaining it. We're afraid to let that mask drop, for fear we'll be viewed as incidental/useless, and be rejected. We've learned that our survival depends on being strong/indispensable, and there's no room for 'weakness' of any kind--but to really love, means to need (and allow for our feelings of frailty within a trusted, truly intimate connection).

Survival and coping strategies taint our perceptions in adulthood. They have us feeling sorry for another--even when they've caused us great harm. The sympathetic feelings we give to somebody else are frequently triggered by our own (discarded) sense of fragility that's projected onto them! This reflex is automatic, if you've attached to someone who's personality disordered.

Rather than feeling your anguish and licking fresh wounds, you will find ways to "forgive" (but you're constantly obsessing, and can't forget!). You'll make allowances/excuses for them--but never yourself. Genuine empowerment has remained elusive, but your self-protective/survival defenses remain intact.

Caregivers are great at fixing, rescuing, teaching and training, but authentic intimacy/closeness is unsustainable and avoided, given their abandonment concerns. Caregivers are often attracted to borderline disordered individuals who match their own emotional deficits and attachment issues.

Truly powerful individuals are attracted to others like themselves. They don't prey on the weak or needy, and they do not need to be needed.

ENMESHMENT MEANS, "WHERE DO YOU END, AND I BEGIN?"

Caregivers can't allow others to experience difficult feelings, because they're unable to honor and hang out with their own. When a friend is sad, caregiver personalities feel an irrepressible need to micro-manage/mitigate the other's emotions, because permitting their own has always been too painful. When you learn to tolerate your feelings, you'll start letting others have theirs.

The Caregiver/Pleaser has developed an idealized notion of how he must be perceived in order to be loved--so each giving gesture literally provides a self-image payoff. While this emotional 'reward' may be satisfying on some level, the compulsion to take care of others, consistently overrides personal needs and underdeveloped feelings, and perpetuates an issue of "Giving 'till it hurts," because sensations of guilt are experienced when we don't.

If you haven't come to fully accept yourself with both light and dark facets and feelings, how can you possibly like and respect yourself? This issue sets you up for having to buy another's love with gifts, gestures and behaviors that consistently place another's desires and needs before your own. These actions are always automatic/reflexive, because yours have never mattered, and you haven't learned to discern--much less, sanction them.

The Pleaser so hungrily seeks approval, he'll happily work longer hours, take on extra tasks that aren't part of his job description, never take vacations, never ask for a raise in salary, etc. He secretly wants his contributions to be noticed and rewarded--but fear keeps him from asking for any compensation. He would literally prefer that his employer intuit his needs/desires and grant what's never spoken of or requested--as deep down, he doesn't feel worthy of receiving. This entitlement issue generally starts in infancy.

When we've grown up making ourselves wrong for having needs (one of the core tenets of codependency), it's easy to feel like it's our fault, when we feel bad in a relationship because we're not getting our needs responded to. This drives the reflex to bury those needs, and make allowances/excuses for others. It motivates the need to keep trying, in the face of any/all obstacles and odds. This impulse comes from archaic sensations of shame which are cemented by another's distorted confirmation that we're defective/unlovable. Our subconscious mind presumes that if we were truly lovable, we would get far more affection/attention, and be happy and content: It never takes into account the other's inability to love him/herself, or anyone else!

Lurking underneath the surface of every Caregiver's attachments is often the question; "when's it gonna be my turn?" They erroneously presume that the more they give, the more they'll (eventually/some day) get back--but that rarely happens, due to the type of person they've chosen to love. Reciprocal relationships literally feel uncomfortable, and are summarily avoided.

THE FEAR OF GOD FACTOR

Judeo-Christian principles have fueled faulty beliefs about what constitutes "a good person." We might be programmed from early in life, to accept that selflessly doing for others will bring us happiness--but if that were so, why would so many folks who subscribe to this ideation be suicidally depressed, and staying in joyless, unproductive relationships? Should we turn the other cheek, no matter how poorly someone treats us? Is this spirituality--or just martyrdom and masochism? If God needed you to be devoid of all "negative" emotions, wouldn't he have created you without the ability to feel them?

While Buddhism promotes the belief that 'chanting' will bring us everything we want, it takes a dim view of emotions and actions that aren't considered congruent with 'being in service' to another--once again, de-prioritizing our feelings and needs, and putting them on the back-burner to simmer, and rob energy from more productive pursuits! This nonsense is underscored by fears of karmic retribution, if we entertain a retaliatory or vengeful thought toward somebody who's intentionally done us wrong--and suggests that we surely must have done something despicable in a past life to have deserved these parents, siblings or friends who've treated us abominably. Christ, no wonder Buddha was fat! If our core belief is that we don't deserve abundance and love, chanting won't work, because shame and guilt from our childhood block us from receiving! That's not Karma--it's just simple, metaphysical law.

Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve-step programs actually reinforce and perpetuate addictions, by urging folks to "let go of their anger." Transferring an addiction from one substance to another is common--because 12-Steps don't teach you to accept, honor and function from all your emotions, rather than a select few! Darker feelings and personality aspects are discarded, in order to 'work the program.' Making amends is lovely--but when it comes to apologizing to a parent or friend who's been neglectful or abusive, aren't we seeking forgiveness for crimes we didn't commit?? How can this help us--and doesn't it further our shame, if we keep feeling bad in those relationships?

In my view, the single most damaging element of Twelve-Step programs, is they make you integrate the (faulty) belief that you're "powerless" against your addiction (how could they keep you "coming back" decade to decade if you believed full recovery was an option?!). Powerlessness is something you had to adapt to and accept as a small child--because there'd be hell to pay, if you didn't! Dominating, ruthless parents can make a kid feel helpless and hopeless, causing far too many child suicides, which adult 'caregivers' prefer to call "accidents." If you credit AA or NA with keeping you alive, that's fine, but does your notion of really living mean thriving--or merely surviving? You left home as a young adult to be autonomous and in-charge of your own life. Have you accomplished this yet--or are you still dependent on a system that constantly reiterates that you can't make it on your own?? Does misery love company--or is there some other payoff in this paradigm that I'm missing?

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater isn't what I'm proposing here, but we need to challenge the merits of these ideologies with some independent, rational thinking--while respecting their real reparative value for providing an anchor, a support structure, and a sense of family and belonging that many of us have (sadly) never known.

This 'sense of family' can also catalyze detrimental consequences. It often has us remaining in an abusive relationship or work environment, out of an odd sense of loyalty--never realizing our need to flee that toxic, excruciating situation. Having missed-out on any healthy sense of 'acceptable' treatment in our childhood, this pain we're tolerating simply feels normal.

I'm a proof's in the pudding kind of person. If a behavior brings you glee and contentment, it's worth maintaining. If it doesn't, you'd better ask yourself whether it makes sense to keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result! Fear is what keeps societies trapped in systems that repeatedly fail them. These are promoted by people who've needed to control you, not by God--who wants for you, what you want for yourself.

People Pleasers have grown up under such stringent control by their parents, it's impossible for them to have adopted alternate, loving/accepting ways to treat themselves. Their 'critical inner parent' (Freud termed this the Super-ego) is overdeveloped, they're constantly judging themselves, and there's no inner peace if they can't perform "perfectly," according to the unreasonable standards they've set for themselves! This element spawns self-loathing in individuals who have sadly fallen prey to narcissistic and borderline features. The Black Swan is a 2010 film that exemplifies pathological perfectionism.

Passive-aggressive behavior is very common within this personality type, for there's substantial difficulty with identifying feelings and needs. Having learned to obliterate emotions in order to survive, recognizing and conveying them in a straightforward manner is not only foreign, it involves confronting long-dreaded vulnerability, and challenges/threatens one's entrenched non-needing identity. Resentment is often cumulative for someone who's unable to acknowledge feelings, and for whom experiencing and expressing needs produces discomfort. Therefore, a series of minor infractions that are usually unwitting on another's part, are initially glossed over, and internalized as trivial or "unimportant." Mounting resentment can easily erupt in explosive outbursts, but is more often acted-out in a passive/non-direct fashion, which can include physical, sexual or emotional withdrawal, sarcasm, bitchiness, infidelities, delaying or "forgetting" specific requests made by the lover, not following through with commitments, etc. This style of interplay was learned by the (adult) child growing up, as his parents were incapable of engaging him in healthier, more constructive interactions. The outcome of this kind of parenting is a deeply wounded self-esteem, and diminished sense of trust in Self and others: We learn how to love ourselves and others, by how we were treated as children.

SHOW ME WHERE YOU ARE, AND I'LL KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.

Childhood experiences always predict the nature of adult relationships. An extraordinary number of males who've grown up without fathers or in homes where the father was ill, abusive or just emotionally/physically unavailable, have developed powerful inclinations to fix/rescue females. When a mother's relationship with her spouse or partner is lacking in emotional resources or she's unattached, her children must often assume the complex (adult) role of filling this void. While the eldest or male child is typically chosen for this task, any child who's felt responsible for meeting his/her mother's needs, will likely develop rescuing compulsions. These dynamics are usually kept in place for the duration of one's life, or the life of the mother (and beyond, if there are siblings for whom he or she feels responsible). This enmeshment issue acutely interferes with a Caregiver's ability to create an independent, emotionally gratifying and successful lifestyle, without significant feelings of remorse, shame or guilt over "inadequate" attention/support to his parent or siblings, no matter how much has been given or provided.

Since these attitudes and behaviors were essentially implanted during the earliest part of his formative years, they tend to remain alive indefinitely. If specific therapeutic help is not engaged to dismantle these constructs, they are projected onto his romantic liaisons--which spawns significant emotional ambivalence. Hence, a male who appears to "fear commitment" may actually be trying to avoid engulfment, because he's lacked a positive/sound frame of reference for what it means to experience closeness.

His twin fears; Abandonment and Engulfment (or loss of Self), combine with difficult feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness that catalyze destructive, compensatory behaviors. Control issues and addictions help this Caregiver defend against painful ambivalence that's characterized by deep longing but fear of needing, and further undermine his personal strivings and attachment endeavors. He (or she) might routinely pursue relationships with borderline disordered individuals, who are incapable of sustaining genuine intimacy and connection; under these conditions of course, the task of maintaining 'safe' emotional proximity becomes a non-issue. Long-distance romances can also inhibit authentic affectional bonds, and assuage one's engulfment anxiety.

Caregiver personalities frequently construct and maintain fast-paced, highly stressful lifestyles, to avoid difficult sensations (like emptiness, depression) that can surface when they slow down enough to feel. Busily responding to the needs and crises of others, reliably bolsters a tenuous self-image that fits very neatly into this Avoidant Syndrome. Fixing/rescuing behaviors help Caregivers side-step having to confront personal issues and challenges, and distract from emotional pain or dissatisfaction. This is a spectacular form of self-medication--but relief is only temporary, which reinforces the addictive compulsion to focus attention outside oneself, rather than looking within.

The Caregiver was once a child who required love and affection to mirror his intrinsic value and self-worth. Since this was never properly reflected, he has ingeniously invented various methods by which to gain a sense of Self, by over-achieving, publicly performing, rescuing or constantly responding to the needs of others. In essence, he's been programmed to feel worthless, empty and invisible unless he's actively doing, so the simple act of being can invoke guilt and self-loathing. To avert these feelings, even caregiving professionals are compelled by "fixer-uppers" in romantic relationships, as well as needful, physically/emotionally compromised friends who depend on them for support and refueling. Healthy/whole people are drawn to balanced interpersonal relationships--not codependent ones.

I had a close collegial friendship for many years with a gal whose husband so frequently contracted the Disease du Jour, she was utterly terrified every month or so, that his demise could be imminent! Since this pattern existed throughout the thirteen years we'd been friends, I couldn't help but wonder what underlying issues perpetuated it. In short, what was the subconscious payoff for his getting sick so often, or diagnosing himself with each dreaded disease? I finally asked what changes occurred in their day-to-day dynamic when hubby was supposedly critically ill--and her reply was predictable; she gave him a lot more attention and tender concern! For a guy who'd grown up with a mother who'd encouraged him to play in the streets, and had little regard for his safety or well-being, I presumed this extra attention from his overly-busy, psychotherapist wife felt pretty darned good. As far as I know, they're still doing that dance--it's just simple, emotional mathematics.

This same "friend" would only return my calls, when she could discern I was struggling--but I'd have to wait a week or two to hear back from her, if I just wanted a simple, friendly exchange. She'd offer to take me to non-emergent medical appointments (which felt infantalizing), but we'd have to plan weeks in advance, for a social get-together. It seemed as if friendship was foreign to her, if she couldn't be in the control seat. Given that I only got attention when I needed her, I often felt pathologized or less-than in our relationship. Did I speak with her about these issues? Numerous times--but nothing ever changed. I ultimately withdrew from this undersatisfying association.

UNLOCKING THE DOOR TO WHOLENESS, BY HONORING EMPTINESS.

When a child experiences aloneness, it hurts! He lacks a sense of belonging, or feeling like he actually matters to anyone. These difficult sensations can feel like deadness, which triggers deep despair. Given that children assume it's their fault for feeling this way, they try to be more useful, important and other-oriented, to keep that awful deadness away. This child turns into an observer--always outside himself judging his every move, rather than living inside himself and noticing, trusting and honoring his innate senses.

Caregiver personalities are 'busy-bodies' who compulsively keep themselves running--despite sensations of tiredness, sickness, injury, etc. If your entire sense of identity is contingent on how well you take care of everybody else, how is it ever possible to slow down, and respond to your personal feelings and needs? Busy-bodies are typically unable to distinguish between feelings and thoughts. These folks are accustomed to thinking their way through life, as opposed to feeling their way along. Instincts and intuitions are discarded along with other vital sensations, that function as our built-in survival guide. Their absence can leave us romantically shooting in the dark and settling for non-fulfilling relationships, just to flee dreadful emptiness that feels worse than most types of pain.

Caregivers continually live with a powerful compulsion give what they never received. There's a dire, inescapable need to take care of everyone else in a manner that's completely foreign to their own childhood experiences. They'll never fully relax for fear that they're not performing perfectly, and have let someone/anyone down, if they can't! These nagging sensations reinvigorate their disease to please--and perpetuate controlling, codependent behaviors. Selflessness is just a lofty word for codependency, and it's dysfunctional.

When Caregivers construct elaborate defenses like crisis/chaos addictions, they're running from internal distress. Constantly responding to the needs of others enables them to circumvent their own uncomfortable feelings (anger, sadness, loneliness, deadness, etc.), and maintain denial of deep, unhealed trauma. Descending into their personal anguish within a therapeutic alliance is typically avoided, because the notion of allowing a supportive, nourishing, ongoing relationship (essential in helping them mend) feels threatening to their non-needing or 'false-self.' Thus, even friendships and professional or social connections that lack reciprocity due to inherent limitations, are sub-consciously ratified and perpetuated. Whether you're a therapist or patient: Feeling creates opportunity and capacity for Healing.

PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF - THE WOUNDED PRACTITIONER

Individuals who've not addressed core wounds (or narcissistic trauma) at the foundation of this problem, may be especially attracted to careers involving psychological or medical intervention. Psychotherapists, doctors and nurses are all drawn to helping or "fixing" people, as this can form the basis of their self-worth, and provide opportunities to 'change' someone in ways that were never possible to accomplish with a parent. Their appetite for omnipotence has germinated from early childhood, and was originally born out of a need to construct a more powerful (and sometimes grandiose) ego structure, to compensate for archaic deficits that left them feeling disempowered/fragile.

The inner craving that stems from this emotionally under-nourished period, fuels addictions to alcohol/drugs, shopping, overeating, over-work/exercise, scholastic or professional over-achievement, gambling, sex, etc. Someone's drive to alter, elevate or numb his/her mood with substances or compulsive behaviors, is a desperate attempt to fill the core void. This void or sense of emptiness, represents the most prominent piece of every addict's fractured inner mosaic--and there's profound terror in that space.

Caregivers are way too tough on themselves due to self-loathing, which is a learned response to abuse and/or neglect during childhood. Maybe they left home to flee shaming criticisms--but continue beating-up on themselves for failings or imperfections. It's imperative you get help to change this!

Narcissism is frighteningly common among helping professionals. Reluctant to acknowledge or experience personal needs, even psychotherapists may neglect to confront their own core disturbances, which leaves them ill-suited to recognize and empathically respond to their patients' most distressing feelings, struggles and self-sabotaging patterns--but is it even possible to effectively walk someone else through a tunnel, that you've been unable or unwilling to navigate? Some clinicians are invested in keeping their patients or clients in treatment far longer than necessary to fortify their own sense of Self--and gratify an unquenchable need to feel needed. Sadly, one's client base might even function as a sort of surrogate family for the therapist who has yearned for, but lacked a meaningful connection with his or her family of origin--which can extend your treatment indefinitely!

Most psychotherapists are treatment-resistant. Many have never spent one hour on someone else's couch, and need to fuel their belief that they've "got it all together," given their professional accomplishments--but such is rarely true. I've observed a great deal of borderline pathology, codependency and other active addictions in the psychotherapeutic community--and my sense is, their grandiosity is simply a by-product of unresolved core issues.

When I was a teen, my dad once said; "make sure you clean up the mess in your own backyard, before you start on someone else's." This little piece of wisdom has had me holding my feet to the fire, with respect to healing and growth. Perhaps it can serve as a helpful reminder, for you too. The truth is, we're not ready to take on passengers, if we haven't plugged up the holes in our own boat. Many people lead lives of quiet desperation, because they're drowning in an ocean of unfinished business from their childhood, and have unwittingly chosen mates who rip the scabs off old, unhealed injuries.

I've worked with many clients over the years, who are core trauma survivors. Most have geographically distanced themselves as far as possible from their parental home, in order to establish a degree of emotional autonomy. Over time, the issue of enmeshment (inability to discern and separate feelings, belonging to either the parent or the Self) is resolved. At this juncture, one's relationship endeavors can start to become more balanced, productive and gratifying. One's mother figures most prominently within this enmeshment scheme, as she is the first object of attachment, and the mother/child bond is intricate and profound.

LOVE, TRUST, AND OTHER SUCH ANOMALIES

A developing fetus hears and learns his mother's voice and language style, co-experiences her emotional states and forms an intimate bond with her in-utero. This of course, has far reaching ramifications for children given away at birth ('adoptees'), and imprints them with feelings of abandonment, which are almost impossible to identify or articulate without sensitive, specialized care. Pre-verbal sensations of guilt, unworthiness and shame, which result from having been given up for adoption or abandoned by a mother's untimely death (or emotional withholding), make them feel "unwanted or discarded," and drive a deep need to avert this kind of trauma from ever occurring again.

Abandonment issues can inhibit connections that might become more than casual/superficial, or cause one to maintain relationships that are unfulfilling or abusive; under these conditions, any connection could seem better than no connection at all. Many of these folks compulsively strive for perfection in adulthood, to ameliorate their ever-present terror of rejection, or being left.

Whether physical loss of the mother constitutes part of this core deficit or not, enmeshment issues stemming from emotional abandonment are easily implanted during infancy and early childhood. Again, when a woman's needs are not met by her spouse or partner, they're transferred to her child, which fosters an unhealthy, fused/enmeshed bonding that conditions him to feel responsible for her survival and well being. If the child's attempts to form an autonomous ego are thwarted when he begins to separate/individuate from her in infancy, he remains fixated on the needs of his mother, and on every attachment thereafter (to his detriment). Very early on, he begins to sense that only a modicum of personal need fulfillment is available to him, which impacts his sense of worth and viability; in the process, he acquires a subtle anxiety that cannot help but question, "if something should happen to you, what will become of me?" This deep concern prompts Herculean measures to rescue, fix/repair or normalize his beloved parent and their interactions, to mitigate his abandonment fears. At his own expense, he'll even adopt the mother's depressive or dysfunctional features, to retain some semblance of connection with her. These rescuing impulses are automatically carried into his adult dynamics, and are the root of codependent relationships.

As previously stated, the basis of this disturbance is intricate, and begins very early. When separation is attempted by an infant with a core-damaged mother, this necessary aspect of his development virtually reactivates the mother's original abandonment trauma (carried over from her infancy), and re-awakens insidious primal rage that's projected onto her child. Prior to his individuation phase, this infant's mother might have started experiencing a sense of wholeness, connection and purpose she's never known before, and these richly pleasurable sensations fostered desperate measures to remain attached. Henceforth, the consistent, underlying message in her tone, facial expressions and behaviors toward him throughout this period could convey; "don't you dare separate and cease existing for me and my needs, or I will abandon/annihilate you." This would echo her own disrupted efforts to retain affection and approval, while attempting to forge an autonomous, healthy Ego, distinctly separate/apart from her mother. Core emptiness can drive a woman's psychic/emotional need to give birth to a lot of babies in very close succession (think of Nadia Sulemon, 'The Octomom'), for she thrives on their dependency. A Borderline mother may physically harm her children or make them sick in order to keep them dependent, as with Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy--or murder them, as they develop beyond this stage. In any case, one's spirit is destroyed, which spawns a sense of deadness/emptiness and despair that (without core trauma recovery) lasts an entire lifetime.

Unmet/unresolved primal needs (from infancy) will always take precedence over adult needs! Comforting/soothing physical connection and touching can trap people in frustrating relational dynamics that are lacking in emotional, cerebral, spiritual and financial need satisfaction. Females often fall prey to relationships with males they think have "potential," only to be disappointed when their practical adult needs aren't responded to. They remain angry or dissatisfied--yet are unable to leave, if their little girl needs for comfort are being met. At the heart of this issue is enmeshment--and grown woman needs are typically forfeited, within this (lack of Self) paradigm.

Deeply buried enmeshment issues are especially common among men who attach to Borderline women. A Borderline's clinginess and neediness can feel suffocating and engulfing, but may replicate an adult male's earliest bonding experiences with Mother. This imprint is potent/heady, and is often retained as a sense memory; the way she smells, the nature of her touch or sound of her voice, makes him think that he's unwittingly found what he's needed his whole life! The loss of this type of attachment will send a man into perilous pain and longing, which is unmatched by any other (remembered) life event.

It should be noted, that if a nourishing symbiosis with Mother isn't possible during infancy, and a far more attentive/loving attachment is forged with the father, an emotionally sound adult may eventually emerge. But if the father leaves through divorce, death or remarriage, the abandonment trauma this invokes will significantly impact all future relationships. Anxiety surrounding potential loss of someone who might have substantial meaning and value, can inhibit or destroy healthy, gratifying adult connections--and exacerbate personality disorder features.

WHEN LOVE HAS BECOME ENTWINED WITH PAIN

The cost of not resolving core wounds is reflected in every decision and life choice we make professionally and personally, and crucially impacts romantic endeavors. A caring, mutually nurturing and enhancing relational experience is completely foreign to most Caregivers. They've seldom (if ever) received affection, support and positive mirroring from a non-abandoning source, nor have they experienced loving, that's unaccompanied by pain. The Caregiver repeatedly welcomes relationships that activate dramatic/painful sensations associated with early attachment difficulties, while routinely rejecting those who are actually equipped to meet his/her needs. There's little capacity to respond passionately to a healthy/rewarding dynamic, because the familiar ache of intense longing and yearning--which has come to be interpreted as "Love," isn't present with an available partner! One's perception of such a relationship is that "something's missing," as it cannot trigger feelings that parallel his disappointing/unrequited attachment experiences in childhood.

A lover who's elusive, cruel, or just emotionally and/or physically unavailable can trigger painful sensations that replicate what the Caregiver experienced as a child, seeking a loving/responsive parent. This emotionally inadequate, yet dramatically felt kind of episode functions as a powerful catalyst, that inspires a tenacious (and vaguely familiar) pursuit to seduce the object of desire into returning his attention and ardor. Since the intense feelings that are invoked by such a relationship are compelling/addictive, any individual who awakens them, is addictive as well. In the rare event an attachment is successfully formed, rejection by the lover can set in motion an internal re-creation of his earliest abandonment experience, and drudge up excruciating feelings of inadequacy and shame, which are almost impossible to tolerate. Punishment of the Self (compulsive, addictive reflexes or destructive acting-out behavior) usually accompanies or follows this kind of upset.

Perhaps the most tragic part of this issue, is that a core-wounded individual unwittingly seeks lovers who are no more equipped to respond to her needs, than her unavailable parent was! She continues to embrace the notion that she will one day find someone who excites her, and whom she can train or teach to love her in ways she's always wanted--but this is a child's fantasy that will never be realized. Still, if these inexhaustible efforts should yield even marginal success, she could feel encouraged to remain, and continue striving for that which cannot be satisfied.

It's very important to realize, that if a lover could become responsive to his partner's needs, he'd be discarded because of other perceived shortcomings or "flaws" that would suddenly seem untenable; again, an available lover doesn't provoke an intense visceral response. In truth, the thrill is in pursuit and seduction, which perpetuates an endless re-enactment of a child's most fervent wish for a closer bond with his/her parent, while defending against a more palpable fear of losing a deeply meaningful and nourishing attachment. This often means, that individuals who are actually capable of loving/caring interactions are distanced, punished or rejected, so that anxiety surrounding devastating abandonment, is kept at bay. This is the Borderline's crucible.

The narcissistically injured Caregiver may repeatedly convince herself that she is capable of intimacy, by practicing relationship skills with partners who are incapable of fully responding to her. Thus, she continues to refuel the notion that she is "available" by taking calculated emotional risks--the rewards of which, are false reflections of her actual capacity to bond. I'm reminded of a woman who periodically resuscitated discarded relationships. During episodes of re-engagement, she was utterly convinced she loved and wanted these men, but always admitted that if the current lover pursued commitment, she'd beat a hasty retreat--and enumerated his "deficits" to reinforce her stance. When one of these former boyfriends eventually gained closure and attached to another, this gal succumbed to a severe depression. Unable to reseduce this man, she appeared to re-experience her childhood abandonment despair, in having to surrender this intensely felt, yet under-satisfying connection. My sense was that profound (core) sensations of loss, shame and unworthiness, paralleled acute/long-denied pain from unhealed archaic wounds.

Childhood abandonment trauma can create a virtual minefield, in context of romantic endeavors. Sadly, the partner of an abandoned (adult) child cannot help but step on emotional land mines that have lain dormant, perhaps for decades. Self-esteem injuries that have existed since the primal rejection experience are reactivated--which triggers intense anguish and rage. As this early painful material isn't usually held on a conscious level (in terms of its impact), repercussions from a lover's unwitting slights are very difficult to recover from, and often bring about a couple's relational demise.

Many of us grew up observing our parents doing battle, and as children learn from example, this became our definition for what 'marriage' meant. If we're somehow lucky enough to have found a copasetic, nourishing relationship, we might need to upset that balance, just to feel like things are normal. In short, we've gotta throw a monkey wrench into the works, because harmony and peace feel foreign--and therefore, uncomfortable. We could even have become somewhat like the parent we most feared or hated.

YOU CAN'T BUILD YOUR CASTLE ON A CRUMBLING FOUNDATION, AND EXPECT IT TO REMAIN INTACT.

What's critical to understand, is that many of us lacked a healthy/consistent symbiotic bond during infancy with our mothers. As a result, our search for 'perfect attunement' with romantic partners (for which we have no suitable frame of reference) can easily continue indefinitely. The compelling drive to manufacture this nourishing/satisfying primal experience (and heal), propels us toward intense, unstable relationships that echo familiar, but defective interpersonal styles that were imprinted throughout infancy and childhood. Stated more simply, our model for meaningful adult attachments has been constructed from a relationship blueprint, which consisted of painful, under-nourishing experiences! This early blueprint continues to influence self-worth and partner selection, unless/until a solid, nurturing therapeutic alliance can provide a sturdier foundation built on supportive, empathic interactions.

The person you choose to love and partner with, mirrors your own level of emotional development. If you are truly seeking an authentic and intimate relationship, you won't attach to or remain with someone who's not, because he/she isn't a 'match' for your fundamental needs and desires. If you think there's a pattern in your romantic life that consistently feels disappointing, lacking and/or painful, you might ask yourself why you're attracted to this type of individual. More importantly, try to discern the feelings or fears that emerge, when you contemplate deeply loving someone, who could actually respond to you the way you've always wanted, and needed to be loved.

 

This is my keystone piece, from which nearly all other material on this site emanates. It was originally conceived and written for psychotherapists. More on core injury can be found in other Articles and various Forum discussions. Archived questions/answers relating specifically to these concerns, are in my Codependency Forum. If you're a practitioner who wants to integrate healing work into your practice, private guidance is available.

If you are seeking help with these issues, or your group/organization would like me to speak on this topic, feel free to contact me. The following forum letter should provide further insight about transformational inner work:

Q. Your article hit home for me, and I was amazed at the profound power of knowledge. But how do you change all those "familiar" patterns, and stop rejecting good people who could be loving/giving to you? What is the recovery or hope of changing all that early programming, as who had a chance when they were an infant?

A. Trust is (ideally) established in the first year of life with our mothers. As an infant, you may have begun sensing you couldn't depend on her to respond sufficiently to your needs, and started moving toward emotional self-reliance in order to survive. This has served you in some ways, but not in others, as it's kept you from getting help with forming healthier, more gratifying attachments! Effective therapeutic support assists you in healing early deficits, by providing corrective emotional experiences that are qualitatively different than what you've been exposed to in your past. These therapeutic opportunities allow you to receive nurturing, attentive (re)parenting, and assist you in feeling more worthy (and desirous) of nourishing, loving experiences within your interpersonal world. Early emotional trauma can be overcome with the help of a professional who understands how profoundly these wounds have affected you, and hindered your capacity to accept and trust an ongoing, nurturing, supportive relationship. Most 'therapy' doesn't tap into this material. Seek help from someone who's well-versed in treating narcissistic injury (or core issues). Additional insights can be gained via the writings of Alice Miller; search for this author on Google.

 

If you have an iPhone, iPad or iPod this app will let you hear this material; http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/web-reader-text-to-speech/id320808874?mt=8

Click here, to determine if you're in an abusive relationship!

CHECK THESE OUT:

*NEW* OUTGROWING YOUR ADDICTION

'TILL DEATH DO US PART - BPD and The Marriage Crucible

HOW TO BE A GOOD-ENOUGH PARENT

THE GOOD WIFE - Who's helping You, when his Ex is a Borderline?

HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple.

Recommended reading:

The Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller (and/or any other books from this author).

"I Don't Want to Talk About It": Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, by Terrance Real.

Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, Ph.D.

 

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