page contains various strategies, personal beliefs and odds n' ends
that may help you think about things a little differently, and get
a better handle on Life. Many are Schreiber-isms, and some
are borrowed from others' wisdom. Perhaps a few are universal truths,
and if any of them stick with you and enhance your journey
a bit, so much the better.
better World begins with a healthier, happier You.
isn't about "processing" your feelings--it's about Honoring
cannot resolve a problem with the same consciousness that created
it. Learn, Heal and Grow.
the meek shall inherit the earth, it's only because the rest of us
have worked our asses off to make it a habitable place.
attracted to people who match your level of emotional
development. If you're bitching about your spouse or lover, you'd
better take a deeper look at yourself.
once met a man who decided to change his life. He began forcing himself
to do the things he didn't like to do; exercising, performing various
life tasks, accepting different types of work, etc.
He told me that as time went by, he surprisingly stopped disliking
those activities, they became easier/more enjoyable, he built far
more self-respect and (at last) thrived. I've never
forgotten that. I
believe it's important to become proficient at surviving,
perhaps through taking-on work we don't necessarily relish (despite
our Ego), before we're ready or able to begin Thriving.
bothered that too many female and male therapists try to
feminize men, and don't honor/respect the quintessential differences
between females and males. They appear to disregard
the masculine archetype, while urging men toward greater sensitivity.
This clinical subjectivity is a dangerous misuse of power by those
who fear the primal nature of males, and it's castrating.
No healthy heterosexual gal wants a passive guy. Males are helped
to grow into men here--not
many people marry by default. They 'settle,' because they're afraid
to be alone with themselves. Divorce is the antidote
for disasterous choices.
an old saying; blood's thicker than water.
The trouble is, it can drown you just as easily.
long as you're still breathing, it's not too late to start healing.
don't marry someone who's like your opposite sex parent (boys their
mother, or girls their father). You marry someone who's like the parent
with whom you had the most troubling issues.
you say "no thanks" to something (or someone) that's not
a good fit for you, you're saying "yes please" to something
better up ahead.
amusing to me that some Borderlines angrily refute information that
doesn't precisely describe them, rather than allowing that
it describes many with BPD, and feeling
relieved they're the exceptions.
of change keeps people stuck in self-sabotaging behaviors
and thought patterns. Pretend you're raising your kid, better
than your parents did--and guide your Self toward healthier, more
Shari Schreiber M.A.
Those who emulate you either admire or envy you. Those who admire,
give you credit. Those who envy, steal what's yours and call
each born with innate talents. Mine, is understanding human nature
to extent I can write about it, and help people heal. Talent always
comes naturally, like breathing.
Don't undervalue your
abilities, just because they're easy for you!
goal of 'psychotherapy' is to help you feel better. The goal of healing
work is to help you feel Everything, and get to wholeness.
this page and want more? Follow PsychSavant
is just a lofty word for codependency.
you're making plans about dying, it's unlikely you're giving enough
attention to fully living and thriving. The former is a dangerous
mindset that affects your mental and physical well-being, and actually
hastens your demise.
a life partner is like buying a new car. When it's left to chance,
fate, God or "The Universe," you don't really want
isn't about falling in love with someone else... it's about falling
in love with You, under the adoring gaze of another.
is nothing more than a series of choices you make every day, and the
tiny actions you take that'll help you get closer to your aims.
confuse desire with expectation. Desire, means "I want to."
Expectation, means "I have to." Desire is about
being in the moment and taking action. Expectation is about future-thinking
and emotional investment in an outcome, which typically
deters us from starting.
A partnership of two individuals
committed to enhancing each other's strengths, and balancing
each other's weaknesses. A stronger, more highly functioning unit
than only one, which thrives on mutual support and protection,
and encourages/celebrates autonomous growth. Healthy marriage must
continually work to solidify and enhance the marital bond, so partners
may continue to grow alongside each other, and their union
reflects these developmental changes. Intimacy that stops growing,
has started dying.
just "follow your bliss." Be prepared to track it down,
and tenaciously pursue it! It's that important.
predict the nature of adult relationships; show me where you are,
and I'll know where you've been.
guilt can keep you trapped in self-sabotaging behaviors. Learn more
about this issue here!
is power--but power without knowledge, is a tragic waste of human
a parent dies, we might grieve more for what we never got--than
for what we've actually lost.
an addict, there's no such thing, as "one last time."
your parents frequently remarked that you could do and be anything
you wanted--but didn't teach you, guide you or nurture your
talents and abilities, where did that leave you??
set up our lives the way we need them to be. Have
you ever asked yourself what you'd be doing and feeling,
if you weren't spending all this time working?
fully love takes courage. To accept love fully takes self-esteem.
is the offspring of Fear and Desperation. Its emotional basis is;
"there's never enough for me." If greed is what motivates
you--at your core, you're insecure and disempowered.
means different things to different people. Make up your mind that
you're going to achieve Happiness--whatever it takes to feel
is fine, if it motivates you to achieve and accomplish more--but jealousy
of someone else's success, will only make your own
can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. If you sense early-on
in a relationship, that the person you're dating doesn't meet your
needs (you're frowning more than smiling), move on--and find someone
there's nobody around to love you, does that mean to you that you're
you clean up the mess in your own backyard, you have no business
starting to work on someone else's.
therapy' is insufficient to dismantle core issues that keep you stuck.
It's very similar to a long-distance relationship; exciting and nourishing
to some extent--but emotionally safe, and never growth or
you could do everything perfectly and know all the
answers to Life right now, what would there be to look forward
writers are born. Great writers are practiced.
of the time, right behavior follows right thinking--but every once
in awhile, right thinking follows right behavior.
you own, began with a seed of Desire. Anything is possible. Dream
can only put your past "behind you" when it's resolved--and
no longer messing-up your present.
any personal or professional relationship, you've gotta know what
your bottom line is--and when to walk away
from the deal.
cannot be measured by the quantity of a connection--it can
only be measured by quality of it. (Stop
beating yourself up for not visiting frequently enough with Grandma.)
meek may inherit the earth--but they won't become successful actors
or notable celebrities. Fake it 'till you make it.
trying to figure out what makes you tick, and you'll never
suffer from boredom.
is the only respect that really matters.
you ever noticed, that you'll somehow always manage to find some money
to get the things you really want?
your foundational belief is that everyone abandons you, you'll
orchestrate your relationships in such a way, that you keep getting
to be right about it; your payoff is prophesy
can only become as healthy and whole as your therapist.
a thinking organ. Your heart is a feeling organ.
Healing, is a matter of the heart.
greatest growth spurt can simply be, deciding that you're
not gonna keep undermining yourself.
is the ability to buy something you want, without concern
that it's not on sale.
don't change, until what they've been doing doesn't work
for them anymore--or they're in enough pain to redirect themselves.
people are whole people; their darker aspects are
acknowledged, integrated and balanced with their lighter
of the task
you're facing, getting
the hardest part. Lower your self-expectations, and simply begin.
is never about having great monitary wealth. Security
comes from knowing you can survive and create a good life for yourself,
to accept that you're a Spiritual Being who's having human experiences,
rather than a human being having Spiritual experiences.
is no such thing as 'perfect' parenting. Only conscious
parenting will help you raise a kid better than your parents
repression underlies all
addiction; when you learn to honor, identify and experience your
feelings, the need to numb or escape them, disappears.
is the feeling of love for Yourself under the adoring gaze
of another. Love is feelings of trust, admiration
and respect for another's qualities, talents and character.
is an emotional issue, not a legal one.
fathers are always in competition with their adult sons; they're envious
of their boys' achievements or successes, and repeatedly make them
feel diminished/inferior. The only time a Narcissist can feel good
about his offspring's accomplishments, is when he can
take credit for them.
job is when what you do, isn't who you are.
A calling is when who you are, is what you
you're not receiving enough attention, understanding or affection
from your adult child, he/she could be echoing what they've
learned from you.
is no reward that serves you better in life, than self-discovery.
your parents "did the best they could," how is it that
you're having to invest all this time, energy and money in therapy?
you knew you only had a year left to live, would you be willing to
love more deeply?
very likely be attracted to someone who's similar to the parent with
whom you had the most difficulty, and become like the parent
for whom you felt the most sympathy.
most critical distinction between lab rats and humans, is that when
a rat gets to the end of a tunnel in his maze and finds no cheese,
he always chooses a different tunnel.
a huge difference between being 'resigned' about childhood pain, and
someone says they have a "great sense of humor,"
it doesn't always mean they're funny--but they might be needing You
you notice a friend or associate treating others in a way that
makes you question their integrity, just know that you are not
exempt; one day, they'll be doing the same to you!
is when intention meets opportunity.
the congruency between words and actions. If someone's always telling
you how successful, talented or confident they are, maybe there's
a reason they're needing to convince you of it.
your opinion of someone is higher than their opinion of themselves,
they'll always be compelled to prove you
The relationship you've got,
is the one you believe you deserve. Want something better?
Work on raising your self-worth.
got emotional baggage; the question is, what are you
doing to unpack that trunk and put it away, so your lovers,
friends and relatives don't have to keep tripping over it?
The most costly or painful life
lessons are wake-up calls that prompt us to examine and reshape our
behaviors, so try to learn and grow from them.
It doesn't matter how much you
claim to "want" something; your subconscious mind
always gets its way, and makes you act in ways that
reflect your real desires.
Nobody can take advantage of
you or treat you badly, unless you allow it.
of the most important and indispensable jobs on this
planet belongs to the man who picks up your weekly garbage . . . think
If you're "sick 'n tired"
of your life, maybe it's time to create a
When someone constantly
dimininishes you or treats you poorly,
they're usually showing you how they were
treated growing up.
to become the type of person you want to spend time with
or attract. It'll be much more fun hanging out with Yourself.
Life: Different fruit grows in different seasons; it may
not all be as tasty as we'd like, but it's all nourishing
to our development.
cannot be honest with others, until you're honest with yourself.
Nobody is "happy
all the time," and if they tell you
they are, you shouldn't trust 'em! First, it's not humanly possible.
Second, there's a whole lot of denial there. And third, Life
throws us curve balls; if you've acquired some inner resources to
dodge 'em, catch 'em or throw 'em back, you're doing
I once knew a man who believed
that money was everything. He died surrounded by
great material comfort and wealth, at 45.
you choose not to deal with your feelings, your
feelings will deal with you!
Giving a nod and a smile to a homeless person. This carries a
lot more weight, than your quarter.
cannot know who you really are until
you've figured out who you aren't.
decision that's motivated by fear, is one
you'll end up regretting.
a deeply felt, sincere apology to someone you've harmed or slighted,
without being attached to an outcome other than, they've
Lose a Pound & Save
a Life in less than 20 minutes; Donate
The only person you can truly
"love unconditionally," is yourself! If you can manage that,
you'll be far better equipped to Love someone else.
don't fear commitment, they fear engulfment;
"I'm afraid that if I get too close to you,
I'll have to give up too much of me!" This
issue has its roots in childhood, and is common among men
raised by narcissistic mothers who are either enmeshed/overly
attached (smothering) or controlling & critical.
you're not in touch with your own feelings and needs, how
in the world can you be responsive
to someone else's?
When your heroes or mentors begin
to topple off their pedestals, maybe it's because you're
finally able to embrace your own brilliance. (Congratulations!)
How you do anything,
is how you do everything.
you wanna know what you want, look around
at what you have. Painful, negative
experiences are far easier to replicate than positive ones,
because on some level, they're familiar to us (we already have that
"Happiness" is an inside
job that's incrementally acquired. Effort is
involved in achieving it (you don't just wake up with it one day);
that's why it's called, 'the pursuit of . . .'
opposite of love is not hate . .
. it's indifference.
you're spending time with an individual who consistently
makes you question yourself
or feel off-center and crazy, you might be involved
with someone who (on some level) is!
is a flaw in chemistry, not character!
From the moment you're born and
throughout your childhood, it's your parent's job
to be responsive to your needs--not the
other way around!
is the best teacher, but only a fool will have no other (try to
learn from other people's mistakes).
you're truly emotionally available, you won't be inclined
to build or maintain a relationship with someone who isn't.
"It takes two
to tango." You cannot enhance or repair a relationship
if only one of you is willing; the other has to meet you
halfway, or there will be no resolution or growth.
(not even your parents) has the right to demand your
respect! Respect is a natural outgrowth of trust
and admiration, which must be earned.
impossible to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional
mindful of how you exit a relationship. It's typically
what someone remembers most about you!
is a subjective state of mind; what's 'perfect' in your
mind is different from what's 'perfect' for each of your friends,
so is it really unattainable?
is my acronym for Integrity, Courage &
Emotional responsibility. Remember
ICE for healthier relationships with others, as well
with as with yourself... from article; WHO'S
DOING YOUR DIRTY WORK? Deconstructing Passive Aggression.
walking your talk--especially when it's
the most difficult or awkward to do. (If this stuff were easy,
everybody'd be doing it!)
knowing yourself well enough to accept and embrace your insecurities
and shortcomings as well as your strengths, and risking that
someone who could really matter to you,
behaving with conscious intent
in consideration of another's well-being (not just yours)
and respecting them enough to send clear
signals--not mixed ones.
cannot get to forgiveness until
you're willing to get to, and go through anger.
If this were untrue, what would there be to "forgive?"
healthy relationship means being equally
comfortable giving and
receiving. If it gives you joy and satisfaction
to give to others, why would you want to deprive them of
this experience? Even the tide of the ocean routinely goes out to
sea, but it must come back to shore, or
we'd have no beaches.
For women, on love
and sex: use caution when bestowing qualities or attributes
to someone just because he makes you happy in bed: No matter
how you slice it, you
can't make a fruit salad out of a banana!
For men, on love and
sex: women like sex as much as you do,
and they're far more inclined to respect and trust you, if you're
straight with 'em! If you're attracted to someone--but not feeling
ready for something more serious, say that
before you get to the bedroom! Women learn to distrust
(and sometimes, despise) men, when they've felt deceived or betrayed.
Most of us hate
standing in lines. Post offices, banks, retail establishments
and supermarkets know you're a captive audience, and tend to take
advantage of this. It's perfectly fine to assert yourself and loudly
request; "Can we PLEASE get another
checkstand/window opened?!" You'll be amazed at
how often this brings about instantaneous, positive results!
comfortable with confrontation; even the word
brings up negative associations/connotations. Confrontation is not
a bad thing--it simply means asking someone to respond to
your needs/desires (many of us were trained as children,
to ignore these). Unlearning
this tendency, means you'll gain far more satisfaction
and joy out of life!
get involved with someone who has more problems than you!
Men who 'rescue'
women have been programmed to derive their sense of empowerment and
self-worth this way, but authentic self-esteem is not
dependent on needing to be needed!
Women who rescue
men or "choose down" are terrified of abandonment, and perpetuate
their own internal myth; "if he needs me,
he'll never leave." But men always leave their
mommies (or rebel against them), it's a developmental imperative!
Males who don't, emotionally remain little boys
who cannot respond to the fundamental needs of an adult female.
Wouldn't it be marvelous if candidates
running for public office were forbidden to infringe
on your privacy and peace with all those automated campaign calls
to your home and/or office? Save yourself some grief by unlisting
your home phone, and listing only your office
phone with credit card companies (and anyone else, for that matter).
Automated systems and telemarketers generally call at night when they
think you're home, and disconnect when they don't get a 'live' response.
"Nice guys finish
last," because the lighter aspects of their personality
are the only ones they feel comfortable/safe expressing.
This comes across as one-dimensional, inauthentic and predictable/boring
(it's like being with
half a person). Men who are well-integrated and whole, understand
that it's acceptable and healthy to operate from a full repertoire
of feelings, emotional expressions and responses.
Only a female who has an early
template in her life for some kind of abuse and/or neglect, wants
a "bad boy."
"It's far better to
need someone because you love him/her,
rather than the other way around." (Thanks, Daddy.)
Women have larger pathways (connective
tissue) between the left and right lobes of their brains. This enables
them to think and feel simultaneously, which occurs as naturally
as breathing! Men aren't as facile with this, and tend to think
OR feel at any given time, which puts them at a disadvantage
during intensely emotional episodes (like arguments)! Therefore, it's
crucial to understand that during extreme sexual pleasure, a woman's
mind can automatically be thinking; "how can I secure
this on a permanent basis?" but a man's
mind can shift to work issues within moments after sexual climax.
What this means is, she could already be
thinking ahead to the wedding, but his pleasurable
feelings might not be revisited/thought about for up to a week or
more later, prompting him to set up another date!
relationship with Yourself is the most
important one you'll ever form or maintain. It may be hard for you
to be 'alone' if you can't tolerate your own
company, but the compromises/sacrifices you make just to
be with someone else, may not be worth the toll it takes
For women: if
he doesn't call again, do not assume it's because
he finds you lacking. It may mean he doesn't think he'll
measure up, and you should find someone more confident.
For men: nearly
every heterosexual woman leaves her house in the morning with a secret
wish that an appealing man will notice her, and start a conversation.
It validates that we're alluring/attractive, and makes our day (and
sometimes, our whole week)! Offer a sincere compliment, and
notice how it lights us up (and creates opportunity for more
Wouldn't it be terrific if jury
duty were set up on a volunteer basis? Seems
to me, people who want to serve, could join a recruitment
pool and receive (as incentive) a decent stipend for their time. I
imagine that retired individuals, students and many others might gladly
volunteer, if allowances were made to accommodate their schedules
and geographical convenience. Should jury duty continue to be mandatory,
and punishable (for non-compliance) by fines and imprisonment?
Doesn't this fly in the face of our Constitutional Rights?
We abolished the draft years ago and plenty of people still
join our armed forces, don't they? Well, don't they???
This page will continue to expand.
Tell your friends about it and stay curious, act consciously--and
most important, be good to Yourself
Shari and Get Session Details
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ShariSchreiber, M.A. All Rights Reserved.