THE
GIFT OF THE BORDERLINE;
Going on Feeling & Getting to Healing.
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
If
you've found your way to this article, you're probably in a whole
lot of pain because of a Borderline. Maybe a few of my other pieces
on this topic helped you make sense of some of
your experiences with the Borderline, but if that relationship has
ended, you could be left with painful yearning, deep regret and
shame. It is these aspects that we're needing
to heal, because it's not enough that your mind tells you
he or she is toxic--these damaged parts of you are still remembering,
and holding this hurt on a cellular level.
Every
emotional/psychic injury you have ever incurred is stored in the
body's memory, which is why unresolved trauma eventually manifests
as physical pain or disease (dis-ease). The body, mind and spirit
are inseparable--and if you don't believe me, think about the depression
you felt, last time you had a serious physical wound or ailment.
It's
unfortunate,
that no amount of written material in the world, can resolve or
mend the awful injuries a Borderline leaves in his/her wake. Your
lifelong self-reliance
works against you in this case, by making it difficult
to trust someone to help you get past this trauma. My other articles
dismantle the tormenting confusion that's a factor in these relationships.
This one helps you comprehend the nature of your pain,
so you can decide whether to hang onto it, or not. Call it an informed
choice, if you will.
My
father (the carpenter) was a very wise man. He used to say; "sometimes
you've gotta hit a man between the eyes with a 2 x 4, to get his
attention." I have come to think of The Borderline, as that
two by four. He or she gets your attention like nothing/nobody
else can--and leaves you in such trauma, guilt and torment, that
you can't ignore it--or make it 'not matter.'
Show
me where you are, and I'll know where you've been.
Relational
patterning from early childhood stays with us for a Lifetime. If
our parents told us they loved us (or presumed we knew it), without
consistent acts of affection, nurturance and support that backed-up
those words, we were left with mixed messages that made us doubt
our lovability and worth. The incongruency between what we heard
versus what we felt, programmed us to feel confusion, insecurity
and longing, in reference to attachment. This defective
pattern will always show up in your relationship with a
borderline disordered individual--but can seem a lot like "coming
home."
The
Borderline's gift, is he/she brings old, buried
pain into awareness, so it can be dealt with, and resolved. You
may be aware of having struggled with self-worth issues
as a kid, but never understood why. We seldom remember
early injuries to our sense of Self, because repression
and denial help us live with whatever's too troubling/painful to
confront. You could feel the need to defend your parents,
having convinced yourself that they did "a perfect job"
of raising you, but there's always an original template for
one's relationship choices in adulthood--no matter how healthy or
dysfunctional they may be. For now, let's refer to this template
as your Attraction Strategy.
You
cannot heal what you're unable or unwilling to feel.
Think of it this way; let's say you've broken your wrist, and it
needs attending to medically--but you're not feeling (or registering)
much pain, so you fail to have it treated.
Since these bones haven't been reset or protected with a cast, this
arm can't mend properly--or become useful and powerful again. Hence,
you now have a painful, disfigured wrist joint that inhibits many
of your activities, 'cause you bypassed the discomfort that
alerted you to fix it! Is this getting through to you? The
Borderline reawakens difficult/dramatic
feeling states, you began burying early in life--and brings all
your childhood pain right to the surface.
Surviving
your Borderline, is much like that poor, broken wrist. She/he leaves
you with scar tissue (both psychically and emotionally)
that can readily turn into serious physical disorders. The reason
this woman or
man had so much power over you, is due to that attraction
strategy, which got cemented when you were very young. You
can't fully recognize their behaviors or interactions as aberrant,
because they're replicating experiences in your childhood,
that you'd accepted as "normal." How
could you not? You had no other frame of reference to draw from!
Whatever feels familiar, feels normal. Some children spend
a lot of time in movie theaters or at a friend's house,
to gain a sense of reality that contrasts what they've
seen and heard at home. It saves their lives. Could this have been
true for you?
We
were taught about how to love, and who to love by our parents.
Your
mind is your thinking organ. Your heart is your feeling
organ. Healing, is a matter of the
Heart. When your spirit is wounded, it causes damage
to this organ, which impacts you on all sorts of levels that are
incredibly tough to recover from. You might feel empty,
broken, depressed--or even, like it's not worth going on. The parts
within you that worked so long at feeling good enough about
yourself, have taken a devastating hit. You aren't accustomed to
these sensations, because you've devoted so much effort toward growing
stronger, and feeling more powerful and in-control. You've done
a terrific job with that, but now you're
back at square one--at least, it
feels that way.
How
is it, that after all the therapy you've done, you're here now?
Why is it, that the insights you've gained, aren't helping
you with this pain? Maybe it's time you discovered how to connect
the dots, so you can actually mend.
Children
learn from example. Every child who grows up with
constant fighting and tension between his parents, has to survive
living in a war zone. This is grossly unfair to kids at any age--but
it's only the tip of this iceberg; mean-spirited,
disrespectful interplay between spouses becomes a kid's definition
for what 'marriage' means. As an adult, he/she will unwittingly
choose lovers or partners with whom to replicate this familiar
drama--or might never marry at all.
When
you're with a Borderline, there's no sense of stability or comfort
that's lasting. As a child, you found
'foxholes' that
sheltered you a bit from chaos or destruction, and this
became natural/reflexive--even if that meant taking refuge in a
closet, or hiding under your bed. You hoped for an ongoing
sense of calm/peace at home--but at best, it was fleeting. This
lack of emotional safety in childhood may have been subtle,
and you adapted--but it's helped you accept the
lack of it now, in your present relationship. The inconsistent
patterns of affection or attention that you experienced as a kid,
set you up to accommodate these inconsistencies as an adult.
Henceforth, you've felt this inevitable Attraction Strategy
with Borderlines! This can be resolved.
We're
programmed as kids, to feel a certain way about ourselves.
My
dad grew up with an abusive father, and mentally unsound mother.
Still, he only reminisced about occasional meals at his little friend's
house, where he noticed a very different
type of interaction between this child's parents, than he saw at
home! During those brief boyhood visits, my father observed playful
affection, flirting, mutual respect and consideration between the
two adults, and this alternate perspective remained into
his eighties. He'd report that his buddy consistently expressed
his joyful eagerness to grow up--and have that experience
for himself. His friend's excitement/enthusiasm was so palpable,
and he retained such vivid mental snapshots of this desire, I must
presume he was successful in manifesting his aim. My father had
self-worth issues his entire life, which inescapably shaped
partner selection.
Observing
loving, caring interactions between grown-ups is one of the finest
gifts you can bestow on a child--as he/she will look forward
to having these pleasurable experiences in adulthood, and
know how to create them!
A
child's depression is a really serious matter. Far too many children
commit suicide to escape their pain, as they have no way to express
these feelings to anyone who might understand them, or be able/willing
to offer comfort or soothing. This child may come to regard himself
as an alien in his family, for he cannot
recognize his inner turmoil in the faces of other members, who are
wearing smiles or rage on them to mask their own turmoil
and pain! Adding insult to injury, he can't make rational sense
of his experiences, which traps him in tormenting confusion. Is
this sounding at all familiar??
The
problem with not resolving childhood trauma issues, is that they're
still driving the coping strategies (addictions/compulsions) and
romantic choices you had before this fall from grace with
your Borderline. In other words, you will be highly susceptible
to engaging another Borderline, to compensate
for self-esteem deficits and ego wounds that are still alive in
you! A new condo, car or lover, can be part of your frantic attempts
to feel better, but these are only Bandaids that temporarily
cover-up your pain--they don't heal it. Sadly, these endeavors
can land you in even more trouble, than you had before.
Healing
from your traumatic dance with a Borderline, means you will learn
to recognize and create healthier attachments, and love
again--really love, and have it returned.
This may sound like an abstract concept that seems pretty implausible
or scary right now--but anything's possible if you really
want it, and we'll take 'baby steps' to get you there.
Digging around in your psyche's garden is far easier than you think--if
you have a patient, skilled guide who helps you discover the roots
of your current pain, and utilizes the right tools to unearth
and resolve it.
HOT
OFF THE PRESS:
IF
LOOKS COULD KILL - Anatomy of a Borderline
NEW!
THE
GOOD WIFE - Who's helping You, when his Ex is a Borderline?
Both
women and men can have BPD. Learn about toxic
borderline males.
This
is my fifth article on BPD, and it's a work in progress. It is intended
to help you trust that this pain you're feeling, can be
eliminated. It might take several weeks/months to put this behind
you--but it's absolutely achievable with a little assistance.
Please check back often for new material--and in the interim, my
BPD Forum
and other articles on Borderline
Personality Disorder will be very useful. Please
keep your email queries brief and to the point, or call anytime
for a phone session; (323) 936-3637.