Hi there, and welcome! This advice forum is intended to enlighten, educate and empower you. While I answer all communications, selected emails are responded to here, and newer entries appear at the top of this page. Your note may be edited to provide greater clarity for other visitors, and your privacy is always strictly protected. If you are not comfortable with these terms, please make sure you address this in your letter, and I will respect your preferences. Earlier Forum entries relating to specific topics have been archived, and can be located under Articles, or accessed through these links: Sex & Love Forum - Borderline Personality Forum - Therapy Mishaps Forum - Narcissistic Personality Forum - Health Matters Forum. Your contributions to this wellness site are greatly appreciated, and thank you for sharing it with your friends!

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Q. I see that you've mentioned Landmark Forum on your site, and I've been thinking of checking it out. I can't tell from your writings, if you think The Forum is a worthy endeavor or not, and would like to get your 'take' on this.

A. I think venues like The Forum, The Meadows and other programs/retreats of this type are very valuable--for some. Landmark's methods can be pretty crude, or even brutal. If you're relatively whole and emotionally healthy, you should be able to withstand this experience, acquire new awarenesses and insights about yourself, and utilize the tools you get there. If you're going because you've felt empty your entire life or struggled to survive, and you think this will fix those issues, you probably won't be able to hold or retain the principles you get there, or apply them--which inevitably leaves you with more shame, than you started with.

Q. I've just met a woman (online) I'm excited about. We've had several hours of phone contact, and we're going out in a few days. I'm wondering if it's too soon to bring her flowers. What do you think?

A. I think you should trust your instincts--but as you've asked for my advice, it seems there's ambivalence between what you want to do, and what you think you should do. Women's feelings can differ about flowers. My personal opinion is that You're enough to begin with, and more may seem like you're trying too hard to impress. I know a man who consistently gives presents to women he barely knows (hoping he'll be liked/accepted). This compensatory behavior is rooted in self-worth issues. Once you develop a deeper interest and sense it's reciprocal, flowers are a lovely romantic gesture.

Q. I just wanted to let you know, I recently found your website in my attempts to help a man struggling with his borderline personality new wife (and new baby) and that you have the best information I've ever seen on this issue, as well as most others and combined mental health challenges. Your site is really for everyone; for people struggling and their families, and for therapists and counselors who aim to be of meaningful help and service. Thank you for your knowledge, wisdom, holistic approach, practical advice, frankness and courage. You are amazing. An LSW in Philadelphia, PA

A. You're welcome. It means a great deal to me when helping professionals like yourself, find this material valuable/useful.

Q. Isn't marriage a codependency?

A. This term is frequently misunderstood and misused. A healthy marriage, friendship or partnership is one that's interdependent; these partners are mutually dependent on each other for need satisfaction. Codependency is defined by an unequal/unbalanced distribution of power in a relationship; one person is dependent (usually, on a substance or behavior) and has little or no empowerment--the other's The Codependent (or enabler) who needs to be needed, to manage his/her abandonment concerns, and maintain control. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. A friend of mine always hounds me about not being in a relationship. She thinks that everyone should be coupled, and that there's something wrong with people who aren't. I have absolutely no regrets about my life, and have had wonderfully satisfying relationships along my way. I've often explained that my priorities are different nowadays, and that I'm happy and content--but she keeps initiating this same conversation each time we talk, and it's infuriating! How do I get her to stop doing this?

A. Your friend's inability to relate to your needs/feelings, or see this issue from your perspective speaks to her narcissism (lack of development). She sounds considerably younger than you (emotionally), and could be projecting her own needs/desires onto you. She might feel inadequate or think she has little that's important/compelling to share, so this has become her default conversation. Let her know how annoying/distancing this has felt, and that you may have to limit your contact if it continues. People with whom you have more in common, will likely make more gratifying friendships.

Q. Shari, can a therapist date their client after treatment has ended?

A. Not unless he or she wants to lose their license to practice. A mandatory two year waiting period must be observed once therapy has ended, before a psychotherapist and client may become involved. Most BBS regulations are for the protection of the client/patient; this one's critical for the well-being of both parties. Clinicians who don't play by these rules can face disasterous outcomes professionally and personally. Therapeutic relationships seldom transition into balanced, healthy partnerships, because the established roles have to change. Both parties must adapt to an interdependent dynamic, and that's usually a tough adjustment. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. My girlfriend's been pressuring me for a commitment. Our relationship has been great on so many levels, I'm open to moving forward. We've been talking about living together as the next step--but now she's telling me she wants to date others! I'm very confused and hurt by this, and don't know how to handle it. Why'd she need me to commit, if she wanted to be with other men? I just don't get it.

A. It sounds like your girlfriend may have attachment issues. She's wanted you closer--but as soon as you're more available, she apparently needs to distance. She could have Borderline Personality features, which means she's ambivalent about real closeness/connection, and you should proceed with extreme caution. Pay attention to any 'come here/go away' behaviors that echo what you've described above; these issues are likely to intensify during the course of this relationship. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. Shari, is abandonment worse on kids, than living with parents who aren't getting along?

A. Leaving a marriage does not mean "abandoning" your children. Any child who grows up with constant tension and fighting between his parents, must survive living in a war zone! This is grossly unfair to a child--but it's only the tip of this iceberg. Children learn from example; mean-spirited/disrespectful interplay between spouses becomes a child's definition for what 'marriage' means. As an adult, he or she will unwittingly choose partners with whom to replicate this familiar drama, or may never marry at all. Seeing loving, caring interactions between grown-ups is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child, as he/she will be looking forward to these pleasurable experiences in adulthood--and have a sense of how to create them! This dynamic may be achievable within a marriage, or it may not--but staying for the "children's sake," is often more about the parents' needs, than about the kids.

Q. I've been seeing someone for awhile, and we've recently gotten sexual. I like this guy--but he ejaculates prematurely, and it's very frustrating for me. It seems like just as I'm heating up, he climaxes. He says he's always been very 'sensitive,' and that other lovers haven't minded, but it's driving me nuts that he can't go beyond about 90 seconds. He's able to recharge fairly quickly, and can do it several more times--but this still isn't satisfying, and I'm left feeling aroused and angry afterward! Is there any hope for us?

A. This situation is horribly frustrating, and no amount of foreplay makes up for abbreviated sexual intercourse, when this part's important to you. If your lover sustains his erections and is able to delay climax during other forms of stimulation (manual/oral), he could have attachment/engulfment fears. This issue's considered a form of impotency--and in some circles, it's regarded as passive-aggressive withholding. If all types of sensual interplay trigger rapid release, the two of you can try special exercises that will help him gain more control over his orgasm. It seems this hasn't been an issue for him, so I'm not certain he'll be motivated to resolve it. Given this is a new relationship, you may not want to invest the time/patience it takes to surmount this--but only you can come to that determination. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. Hi Shari, my sister and I are very close, but she's always complaining about the same issues over and over (ad-nauseam), and her negativity's getting on my nerves. I try to listen patiently and offer suggestions, but it seems she just wants to gripe about this stuff, rather than doing anything about it! When I've tried to change the topic or get off the phone, she gets really mad and starts shouting and swearing at me, saying I don't care about her (which isn't true). I hate making her mad, but I feel trapped. How I can handle this better?

A. This appears to be a no-win situation--meaning, you're damned if you do (listen to these constant complaints) and damned if you don't! Continuing to lend her your ear, reinforces poor behavior. Taking the best care of your own needs is the healthiest way to deal with a no-win struggle, and may involve distancing yourself. Assure your sister of your love and support, but make it clear that you're no longer willing to engage this way. If she won't take any actions to resolve her difficulties, she's obviously content to maintain them. Let yourself off this hook.

Q. I have a 2nd grade student that has ADD. My concern is sometimes she won't try; I understand, because I was like her when I was young (I have ADD), but sometimes she'll deliberately not try, give up, or fake not knowing how to do something. I know she often truly doesn't remember due to the disability, other times she's just in the mood to manipulate. In other words, it is all mixed up. I feel like sometimes I have to put pressure on her to know which it really is--her ADD or her manipulating. I feel that insisting she try something, and not feeding her the answers is necessary for her growth, however I do not wish to emotionally scar her, if she truly is having an ADD episode. Can you give me some advice? Her parents refuse to give her any type of medication or recognize her disability. Thanks

A. Your 2nd grader gets more attention from you when she under-performs, right?? In a sense, you could be rewarding poor behavior. With a child this young, it's important you try to keep a balanced perspective. If she has to repeat a grade, it might help her gain a sense of competency, and benefit her later on. I think it's possible that you're projecting your own unresolved frustration and shame onto this student; it appears you're wanting to rescue her from certain obstacles you've had to grapple with (which is seldom possible), and this has ignited your hyperfocus. All this is understandable, but it doesn't serve either of you. Direct your attention to the students who are capable of learning and achieving. Assist this child whenever/wherever you can, but stop needing her to be like the others.

Q. My husband's enmeshed with his mother, which has put a big strain on our relationship from the beginning. He'll always run to take care of her needs, and they talk 8 or 9 times a day (she's in good health, incidentally). Regardless of what's going on with us, he takes her calls--even when they've interrupted our lovemaking! He's sarcastic and verbally abusive with me, and we often end up fighting. I've tried to get along with his mom, but she constantly finds fault with me, and acts cold or indifferent. My husband and I have been trying to conceive, but I'm now starting to question if I want to stay in this marriage. Any insight or advice you can offer is greatly appreciated.

A. Men who haven't been able to separate from their mothers make poor husbands; essentially, they're already married. An enmeshed mother feels jealous of her child's attachments, and tries to undermine them. Very likely, her needs always had to come first during his childhood, and she's interfered with every aspect of his existence. Under these circumstances, his sense of closeness is confused with engulfment (loss of Self), which can lead to pent-up frustration and rage. It sounds like these feelings are being directed at you instead of where they belong (you're the less threatening target--he can't risk being abandoned by Mom). Unless/until you establish a loving and stable foundation in this marriage, put the baby plans on hold. Try to have a heart to heart with your husband about how unhappy you've been. If you're both willing to try couples therapy to strengthen and repair this connection, that's a good start. If not, your options seem pretty clear.

Q. My doctor has added a 'sub-therapeutic' dose of a mood stabilizer to my existing antidepressant therapy. I'm wondering if this makes sense, and why I should even bother with it.

A. Everyone's system is somewhat unique, in terms of how various meds affect them. If your antidepressant hasn't been managing your symptoms, switching to another, or adding a mood stabilizer can enhance your therapy--particularly if your doctor suspects there's a bipolar issue. Some people do very well on minimal amounts of these drugs, and have unpleasant side-effects when they increase to a standard, or 'therapeutic' dose. Trust your physician for now, and you can reassess this issue in a week or two.

Q. Shari, what happens to a fetus, if the expectant mother has a panic attack?

A. An isolated panic event probably won't do much harm, but anxiety issues are seldom isolated. If there's been one panic episode, we're automatically inclined to worry that this horrible incident could happen again, and a level of anxiety remains. My article on panic/anxiety explains how these issues are acquired, and discusses fetal impact as well.

Q. How do I confront my parents about their toxic behavior?

A. First, let's accept that what's held you back from doing this, is a natural fear of abandonment. Let your parents know how their words and actions make you feel. Be as specific as possible, which can go something like this; "when you say these things, it makes me feel; small, worthless, unloved, etc., which is very hurtful." Toxic parenting stems from deficits in emotional development, meaning that empathy was never learned/acquired. Check my Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Forums (at top) for more about these issues.

Q. I have been taking lithium, wellbutrin, and zoloft for Bipolar Disorder. After 25 years of medication, I seem to be getting worse. Is this a disease that can get worse as one ages?

A. As your body ages, you may require adjustments to your existing meds, or need to switch to others. Your physician's careful/diligent monitoring of your medications (and how you're feeling on them) is essential for the treatment of bipolar issues. Solid therapeutic intervention/support (talk therapy) can be extremely useful in helping you heal emotional material that has contributed to this picture--and tends to get worse over time, if not addressed. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. I just wanted to thank you for your article on ADD. I've read lots of other material on this topic--but felt yours was like reading a personal case study on me! The part I was most affected by, was when you talked about taking these drugs "discretionally," or as needed. For many years, I've resisted considering medication as a means to help myself with these symptoms--but now, I think I'm ready to explore this. Thank you so very much for helping me understand that this option is available! SW, Alabama

A. You're very welcome.

Q. This is very difficult to express. My father has always said that he loves his children "equally"--but it's never felt that way. He and my brother spend more time together, and seem to have a connection that I've never shared with my dad. I guess I've come to terms with this over the years, but it's always been troubling to me. My wife and I are expecting our second child in a few months, and I don't ever want any kid of mine to experience these feelings. Naturally, this issue is extremely hightened for me right now, and I'm concerned about it. Is it possible to love all your children the same?

A. Whew! Thank you for bringing this important topic to light, as it's seldom (if ever) discussed. You might love all your children "equally," but not the same. Parents always want to believe they have identical levels of love for each of their kids--and in an abstract sense, they might! But is it possible to love them all the same? It's very doubtful, and here's why: We gravitate to people with whom we feel a compatible resonance or vibration. Essentially, the child who is more like us, is the child with whom we're likely to forge a stronger bond. This child usually reflects/mirrors what we consider to be our more desirable attributes, and another may echo facets of ourselves that we've disowned, or may prefer weren't a part of our nature! Contact with this child might be less frequent, and the connection often feels strained or superficial to both parties (therapeutic support can help you narrow this chasm with your dad). The issue of emotional resonance or attunement also shows up in our everyday adult life; many of us have (thankfully) managed to form closer/deeper attachments with friends than we have with our siblings. The most loving thing you can gift your child/children, is to try and embrace the fact that they are different from you in various ways, and you will love each of them differently. Our offspring aren't supposed to be carbon copies/clones of us (which challenges our narcissism); if they were, we wouldn't learn more about accepting/loving ourselves or them.

Q. I think I may have a fear of success. Each time I get close to a goal, I lose interest or sabotage myself in some way. Is there a way to overcome this?

A. What most people interpret as a "fear of success," is actually a fear of disappointment if their plan for achieving something fails. It's far easier to fantasize about 'probable' outcomes resulting from our efforts, than to put them to the test--and not have them work out! Certain issues and/or beliefs left over from your childhood may be contributing to this difficulty, and it can be very helpful to explore this therapeutically. Individuals with attention deficit issues are especially prone to losing interest/enthusiasm for their aims, and this is exacerbated by the cyclical nature of this (neurological) disorder.

Q. I've slighted someone who's a friend. I really want their forgiveness, but don't know how to ask for it. Can you help?

A. State exactly the things you have in your note to me, and sincerely ask your friend if she/he is willing to forgive you. Remember the Nike campaign? Just do it.

Q. I read your forum entry from a woman complaining about her "stay-at-home" boyfriend (as you put it), while she supported the two of them. What about all the women who expect us guys to support 'em, while they spend our money shopping and having lunch with girlfriends?!

A. Men usually vary on this kind of thing; some are comfortable providing for women in this way, and some are not. I try to respond to the concerns each individual describes in their contact with me, and if a man had written with this problem, I would have replied similarly (with the exception of stay-at-home mothers, which is the toughest full-time job there is)! I believe this issue is more difficult for females to accommodate, due to cultural aspects inherent in our masculine and feminine roles and archetypes. Historically, males were the protectors and providers for the family; in earlier times, there was no question that a man's wife and children would share the fruits of his labor, and be the recipients of his bounty. Times have changed, and so have our needs. Today, many couples equally share financial weight for the relationship--or they split these responsibilities according to respective income.

Q. I seem to need/crave a lot of affection. Is something wrong with me?

A. No, nothing is "wrong" with you! We all have different needs for physical contact, which is also reflected by our animals/pets! This individual level of need is generally with us from childhood; some kids require a great deal of affection/attention, and others might not like being touched or held (which can be difficult and frustrating for parents). Most people fall somewhere in-between, where there's a considerable margin for personal preference. Look for partners who are demonstrative with their loving feelings, so this part of you can be nourished/satisfied.

Q. Shari, I'm faced with a very difficult dilemma. I recently went out with a man I'd met online, who (as it turns out) is dating a friend of mine! During our dinner conversation, he told me he'd been seeing someone for awhile, but "not seriously." When he mentioned her first name and where she lives, I nearly choked on my food. To say the least, I was shocked and almost speechless! I told him off, and said I didn't want to have anything to do with him. My problem is, I know that my friend thinks this relationship is more substantial than it is, and I'm afraid of hurting her by telling her the truth about this schmuck! I'm also afraid she'll get mad at me for revealing this information. HELP!!!

A. How would you want this handled, if you were in your friend's position? A true friendship sometimes involves risk; this means being willing to go out on a limb to save someone you care about from harm or more pain! Let your friend know that you have something difficult to tell her, and approach this very sensitively. If her natural instincts/intuitions haven't already alerted her to this issue, she could be in denial. This means she won't want to believe you--and may choose to maintain that relationship! If she's shocked and angry that this man's been cheating on her, she'll be compelled to do something about it. Either way, you've (courageously) demonstrated solid caring, by being honest with her. If she 'shoots the messenger' and rejects you, I'd be seriously questioning how much she has valued your friendship!

Q. My doctor has put me on an antidepressant (Zoloft), and I'm feeling tired and listless. I've called his office to see if this is a side effect of the drug, but they haven't gotten back to me. Is this a normal reaction I'm having, and will it pass?

A. Zoloft is an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor), and you're having a fairly typical response to it. Leave another message for your doctor asking if it's OK to take your medication at a different time of day--and request that someone please get back to you on this immediately. In the interim, read important information pertaining to this issue, here.

Q. Having recently joined with an investment firm, I'm in need of clients. I'd really like to approach my friends and acquaintances about opening or building stock portfolios with me, but it feels a bit awkward. Is there any way to offer my services, without seeming like I'm trying to sell them something and alienating them?

A. These kinds of situations are always a bit tricky--but honesty is the best policy, regardless of what you're promoting. If you're contacting active/close friendships, let them know you'd love to assist them if they ever decide to go in this sort of direction, and leave it at that. If you're wanting to pitch an old or former friend/associate you haven't spoken to in a long time, do not make up some bullshit excuse for reconnecting. Leave a brief message requesting they phone you back, if your outreach misses them. If/when you actually connect, let them know that besides wanting to 'catch up,' you're excited about this new endeavor and wanted to share it with them, in case you might be of service one day. This keeps the contact 'clean,' so the other person doesn't have to feel like you've got a hidden agenda (using them for your own gain), which I've discussed in relation to a Landmark Forum issue. It's a more authentic and (potentially) productive approach for both of you!

Q. It seems like no matter what I do, I'm not able to get ahead financially. This has been a life-long struggle. It has even cost me relationships, as women always want to be with a guy who's well-off. For years, I've thought this problem could be related to some sort of Karmic retribution (if such a thing exists). I'd sure like to get to the bottom of this. Any advice is welcome.

A. It seems as if you're getting involved with the wrong women, or this 'deal breaker' you assign to them, may be masking your commitment/attachment concerns. Your beliefs surrounding "Karmic retribution" can block abundance, and give you convenient justification for not achieving your goals. This self-defeating mentality presumes you're a victim of something beyond your control, and undermines your capacity to visualize/construct a more plentiful reality! There's no such thing as an overnight success. Prosperity in any arena (personal or professional), takes methodical and tenacious pursuit that entails setting achievable goals; this often means taking 'baby steps' daily/weekly that bring you a bit closer to your aspirations. Surviving and thriving are mutually exclusive; they're two distinctly separate energies that cannot be held at once. Make up your mind to thrive. Decide what steps may help you toward this aim, and commit yourself to these endeavors. Do not give up at the first sign of failure; implement a specific plan at least three times before abandoning it. Engage others (friends or professionals) to help you accomplish your goals. No one person is adept at everything, and nobody's successful without any assistance.

Q. I've recently started law school, but I'm not sure this is what I really want. My dad and grandfather are attorneys, and it's sort of a family tradition to build a law career. Since I was a kid I've always loved cooking; I feel very drawn to culinary school, and sense it could be a better fit for my talent and interests, but I don't want to let my family down. I'm really struggling with this right now, and not sure what I should do about it.

A. First, your parents and grandparents have already lived their lives, and made choices that were congruent with their needs/desires. Perhaps it's time for you to consider doing the same! For now, this doesn't have to be a black or white issue (to be or not to be a lawyer); dabble around in the 'grey area' for awhile with some structured learning in cooking/baking classes during your spare(?) time, while in law school. Doing so will be a good test of your motivation/passion, and give you a better sense of whether (or not) this profession might be a solid fit for you. Making a terrific omelet is very different from having what it takes to become a masterful chef, but sticking your toes in these waters should assist you in determining your direction.

Q. I've recently recovered from agoraphobia, and managed to go home for the holidays (by myself) after many years! I was thrilled with this, but noticed some anxiety symptoms cropping up while I was there, and after my return. I thought I was done with this issue--but feel like I'm losing ground, which is confusing and discouraging! Why is this happening?

A. You've not mentioned the methods by which you achieved your recovery, but anxiety, panic and agoraphobia (an intense panic condition that keeps you homebound) are feeling-related issues. You didn't develop this problem in a vacuum; you were influenced by a number of environmental factors growing up, that made you discard certain emotions. Returning to that environment (even for a brief time) can reactivate toxic relational dynamics, and put you at risk for a regression. Learning to manage the symptoms of Panic Disorder is not the same as healing it.

Q. Shari, after raising my son (alone) and making sure he has a solid foundation, I've decided it's time for me now, and have been exploring these online dating sites. My preliminary experiences have been pretty disappointing, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever meet someone sound enough. Almost as soon as I think I've made a connection, it evaporates. Usually, the woman doesn't write/call back, and I'm left wondering what went wrong. I must tell you, this is pretty disconcerting! You'd think these people are looking for a relationship, but I'm now questioning it! I guess I'm wanting to know what to do, when my emails or phone calls go unreturned. Advice, please?

A. Dear Sir, online dating can (unfortunately) be like fishing in contaminated ponds. When you encounter a non-response after a reasonable period, remember this four letter word; "NEXT!" Singles venues might be useful for meeting people, but can yield more quantity than quality. A lot of these folks seem ambivalent about closeness; they may be licking their wounds from a recent failed attempt, but be craving the interaction, stimulation and ego refueling this "safe" contact offers, while never leaving their bathrobes! With so many options just a click away, a sort of kid-in-a-candy-store fickleness is tough to compete with or surmount. Some people have a strong sense of what they need in a partner, and won't respond if you don't fit their criteria--but mostly, I view dating sites as relationship pergatory for people not yet ready to bond; some have unfinished business from a prior romance that makes them afraid to re-engage, and others have avoided intimacy their whole lives. Often, what humans say they want, is different from what they're ready to create, and the subconscious mind always gets its way (our behaviors reflect our true desires). Try getting involved in new activities or taking classes in your areas of interest, and you'll likely meet women with whom you're compatible.

 

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