Hi there, and welcome! This advice forum is intended to enlighten, educate and empower you. While I answer all communications, selected emails are responded to here, and newer entries appear at the top of this page. Your note may be edited to provide greater clarity for other visitors, and your privacy is always strictly protected. If you are not comfortable with these terms, please make sure you address this in your letter, and I will respect your preferences. Earlier Forum entries relating to specific topics have been archived, and can be located under Articles, or accessed through these links: Sex & Love Forum - Borderline Personality Forum - Therapy Mishaps Forum - Narcissistic Personality Forum - Health Matters Forum. Your contributions to this wellness site are greatly appreciated, and thank you for sharing it with your friends!

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Q. A guy that I know has started dating my ex-girlfriend who's a Borderline. Should I warn him about her?

A. Absolutely not! He'll find out soon enough on his own, and he won't listen anyway--would you have, during the Honeymoon phase of that relationship? If you're feeling discarded and impotent/empty, it's far more critical to work on building yourself back up and healing, than to keep focusing on her life. Stop trying to save others, and concentrate on saving yourself. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. I'm a psychotherapist, and I'm on burn-out. At times, I wonder why I'm even in this business--even though I love my work. How do I get past this?

A. This is a common complaint I've heard for many years, and here's a multi-layered answer: First, if treating people is the only way you have of deriving a sense of accomplishment, you are in the "wrong business." Avocations or hobbies are essential for anyone in the helping/healing professions. This will give your life more balance--and enhance self-worth (because clients don't improve all that fast). Accept that you have other talents and abilities that want to be recognized and fed, discover what they are, and make time for them! These might involve activities or creative outlets from childhood that provided joy or satisfaction back then, but you abandoned later on. Making your own life richer and fuller will help you become a better therapist; you'll have more resources to bring to the party. Lastly, cerebral/spiritual energy expenditure of this type, means you must recharge your batteries on a fairly regular basis. Hang out with friends, watch too much TV, or sleep for a day or two. You'll feel brand new again. [More notes like this are archived here.]

Q. Is narcissism the root of OCD?

A. Not exactly. Narcissism stems from emotional wounds in childhood, that made it necessary to shut-down/discard feelings in order to survive. If one is disconnected from his own feelings, how can he relate to somebody else's? This lack of empathy is the root of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. NPD can be considered part of OCD, but it's not the cause of it. Anxiety disorders and OCD have a lot in common, with respect to etiology (how they're acquired).

Q. Shari, I've been trapped in a toxic friendship off and on for the past 15 years. Each time I got fed up and separated myself, she sucked me back in through guilt, martyrdom, etc. This last separation started last February, and ever since our last Christmas contact, we have not spoken. We have mutual friends, and ignore each other at these group functions. The mutual friends haven't taken sides and have not been included directly in this. Now, after last speaking to each other, the toxic friend has returned a borrowed item to me by giving it to a mutual friend to forward. Toxic friend had to drive past my work and house to get to the mutual friend's house, to return this item. She could have mailed it or left it on my porch, saved time, and not involved the third person, in what I thought was over between us. Now the ball is in my court. I thought that friendship was over--but she's trying to suck me back in, like always. What should I do?? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.

A. Yes, it seems your former friend is trying to suck you back in. This is a passive action to re-initiate contact. Ignore it. Do not hit this ball back across the net, engage in any dialogues with your other friends about it, or acknowledge receipt of this item--unless directly contacted by this person. IF that happens, keep it short and sweet; a simple Thank You is sufficient--and then remove yourself from contact. I think it would serve you to read my piece on the Borderline Waif, as there may be emotional underpinnings that have kept this relationship alive for so long, and had you returning for more, even sensing it was toxic. This woman may seize on your non-response as further reason to disparage and torment you--but hold firmly to your decision to not re-engage. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. Hi Shari, I am trying to recover from codependency, and am currently faced with a big decision. Up until a month ago, my husband of 8 years, and I had really been struggling--to the point of seriously considering divorce. I had even started applying for jobs and looking for a place to live elsewhere (in another state). We started going to couples counseling, and things have been better, but then I got a letter in the mail inviting me to take a test for one of the jobs I've applied for. I'm fearful of losing out on the opportunity, since things have only been better for a short time, but do not want to undermine my marriage. Our counselor thinks it would be a good exercise in my recovery, since my husband is clearly not going to support my decision to leave, and I have never done anything in my life without someone's approval. He does not agree to this, and basically gave me an ultimatum (even though he says he's not), that if I go, it's a deal breaker for him. I love my husband, and want to trust that things will continue to get better--but I realize that as a codependent, I have to stop putting others before myself. Any thoughts on this? Thanks

A. I appreciate your dilemma, but I'm on-board with your couples therapist. Sounds like your husband is using some potent emotional blackmail against you. He must be feeling very threatened by your burgeoning sense of Self. Given these eight years of strife, and this very brief respite from all that pain, I'd say it's worth exploring this job for yourself. Might be good/useful to reflect on the strengths of this marriage(?) while you're away. If you give into your husband's ultimatum, you are betraying yourself--and your most important relationship must be the one you maintain with You. Otherwise, you're dying a little each day. Remember what they teach you on airplanes: When the oxygen mask drops down, put yours on first--and then, attend to those around you! I'm sensing your husband's threats are hollow--but if he's looking for a 'deal-breaker' to help him exit this union, I'd say this one's as good as any. You GO, girl. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. Shari, do others get worse when the codependent gets better?

A. If you're using this term correctly, no. I'm sensing the real question here is; "does the codependent get worse, when the dependent partner, relative or friend gets better?" There's a heavy risk in not having someone nearby who's 'less-than' for the codependent--as he/she thrives on being needed--which forms the basis of their self-esteem. Whenever the codependent can't maintain a one-up position with another, he/she's confronted with their own inner emptiness, disempowerment, self-loathing, etc., which has driven their addiction to rescuing/fixing others, in the first place! [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. Shari, I came across your article about borderline men last night, and WOW. I feel like you've been in my house, studying my relationship. You have no idea how helpful these BPD articles were. 11 years of blaming myself virtually disappeared, and I am filled with a sense of peace I never dreamed possible (I gave up on silly things like hopes, dreams and desires about 9 years ago). My problem is, I married the narcissist. I was 19, my dad ran off when I was two, and had recently died when I met this man. Blah blah, you see where I'm going with this--you've probably heard it a thousand times before. The divorce hearing is in a couple days, and I am really looking forward to never having to even say his name again, but the problem is, we have a child--he's always going to be around. I'm wondering if you have any tips for divorcing the borderline. More importantly, do you have or know of any resources for children of borderlines? Our daughter is 8, and while she is more emotionally mature than he'll ever be, I realize that his lies and manipulations will carry over into the courtroom, and he'll likely be granted extensive visitation, if not joint custody. Thanks.

A. First, there is nothing wrong with hopes, dreams and desires; they assist you in creating a more gratifying reality. With regard to your child, when the Mothership is sound, her passengers can reach their destination intact. Stop confusing your feelings, anxieties and needs with hers. This is projection, and it's undermining to her. Get into some solid (core) therapy to dismantle the self-worth issues and self-sabotaging behaviors you've carried around for a lifetime. As You grow stronger, more integrated and whole, your daughter will automatically benefit--as you'll have even more inner resources to share with her, and be better able to navigate the dissolution of this marriage.

Q. My narcissistic boyfriend is moving in with me, as his wife is divorcing him. How likely is it, that he'll change for me?

A. Don't hold your breath, dear. You can't fall in love with someone for their potential--but must accept them for Who they are (and aren't). In short, if you like the product, you buy the whole package! The narcissistic behaviors you've observed toward his wife, will likely be acted-out with You. And then, there's always the question; if he cheated on her, how can you trust that he won't do it to you? A wife who doesn't try to fight for her marriage, wants to be rid of the guy. In short, I think you're in for some rough times ahead.

Q. I have been thinking about writing this letter for many months now. I was involved with a female who abruptly left the relationship--someone I was involved with for many years. The trauma of this left me seriously ill. Up to this point in my life, I'd always enjoyed forty-eight years of very good health, save for liver disease--the cause of which was never determined. I had a spontaneous remission (liver enzymes all went back to normal). I only noticed that I was tired from it, and this went away--still, it never really slowed me down. This illness however, left me dead in my tracks, to where I couldn't practice. During this sick time, I came across your article, AT ANY COST. I should've realized this person I was involved with, was very clearly exhibiting these (BPD) traits. I believe that at the time I read your article, not only did it lead to my recovery--but that it actually saved my life. In the midst of this illness--and being a healthcare professional myself, it didn't seem logical to me, that merely reading something posted on the Internet could have this effect. At that point, I wasn't sure this was a reasonable conclusion. In some way, my logical professional mind still wants to doubt this fact--however, I cannot. In retrospect, I recognize that your article did indeed, save my life. I now accept this as fact--and that's why I'm writing to thank you for your efforts. After saving a few lives myself, Thank You for saving mine.

A. You're welcome. I believe that the mind, body and spirit are inseparable. In Chinese medicine, the liver is considered our body's storehouse for anger. It would seem as though this issue might have had you dismissing instincts, intuitions and perceptions having to do with certain feelings you had to put away in childhood. This article was originally written for psychotherapists. Read it a few times, and take it slowly. Each paragraph is very dense with meaning, and should be gradually ingested and integrated.

Q. How do I know if I'm in a codependent marriage?

A. A healthy marriage is where partners are interdependent, meaning they mutually depend on each other to meet/balance various needs. An example of a codependent marriage can be observed in this couple: The wife is a shopaholic (compulsive spender), and the husband's a compulsive overeater. The wife keeps candies and pastries around the house--but doesn't let her husband eat them. She functions as the Food Police in their relationship. He knows he's got to monitor/curb her shopping and spending--or go bankrupt! Thus, he has become the Shopping Police. Each of them is micro-managing the other's behavior under the guise of caring/love--but it's really about their narcissism, and need for control. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. Dear Shari, do you have any advice for dating a Borderline?

A. Don't.

Q. Dear Shari, I've just now came across your website by chance. I went through the articles, and I related to a lot of the behaviors/characteristics attributed to Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm a 28 year old woman who grew up in an extremely unstable atmosphere. My dad's been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and as far back as I can remember, things were always in upheaval, and turbulent. We witnessed/were exposed to physical, but mostly emotional abuse. My mother tried to keep things together the best she could (there were 5 children), but I recall my childhood alternating between episodes of drama and neglect. I feel like I've always had some sort of anxiety or personality disorder. At 11, I cut my hand with a piece of glass, because I knew no other way to express the torrent of emotions I felt, and I wanted to make my mother feel bad. At age 23, my parents separated after my mom called the police during one of his abusive bouts. That same year my eldest brother had a breakdown, and was diagnosed with psychosis. Unable to deal with these events, I overdosed on Tylenol and was admitted to the hospital. My intention wasn't to kill myself (I've never felt like I wanted to end my life) but I couldn't see any other way to deal with the stress. My personal relationships have always been unstable--and the thing I fear most and am realizing now, is that I've played a huge part in that instability. My boyfriend of 6 yrs ended our relationship in 2007. I was devastated--but quickly attached myself to another man. In 2008 my ex came back, telling me that he'd made a "huge mistake." For the past 9 months I've been in a mental state, where I'm still seeing the new man, but am unable to commit to either. I am wracked with self-doubt and anxiety, and unable to make any decisions. I am frustrated with myself for not being able to do so. At the same time, I am afraid that one or both of these men will grow tired of waiting around for me to sort out my issues, and will leave before I've made up my mind. I'm at my wits end, and don't know how to help myself. I know there's something that I need to work on--but I don't know where to begin, or what to do. I don't trust my judgment and I feel that anytime I get close to a decision, it's not the 'right' one and that any choice will be wrong--since there's something wrong with me. Please help.

A. The first step toward getting better, is recognizing you have a problem--which you've courageously done. You will have 'buyers remorse,' no matter which man you select--and in either case, your attachment issues will get in the way of a loving, harmonious coupling (as evidenced by your romantic and familial history). Get into some solid, core healing work with a practitioner who specializes in treating narcissistic injury, and the personality disorders that result from having had to survive substantial emotional deficits early in life. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. Why do I keep falling for Narcissists? The 'good guys' who can really love me, don't excite me I guess--but I want to find a healthy relationship!

A. Actually, you don't. We all need a spark to ignite our flame for someone, but your pattern of attraction/choice indicates that you're addicted to chaos and drama. It also suggests you're afraid of attachment--this was acquired during your earliest years of life. Reference my Borderline Personalty articles for more insight about this troubling obstacle, and get help to surmount it.

Q. Can I trust my Borderline girlfriend not to have any more affairs?

A. Nope.

Q. Hello, I am a 34 year old married mom of three kids and I just realized that I am lonely. I suffer from depression, migraine headaches, stomach problems and panic attacks, and I always have to be caring for something to fill an empty gap. I have not had an easy life and my husband and I have had a lot of problems, but we are trying to work through them. Our kids are 16, 13 and 10 and have their own mind sets, like most kids that age. I want to know why I have to always care for someone/something to make me feel happy; it makes me wonder about the article I read on your site that sounds almost exactly like me, but my childhood was fine--it was when I became a teenager, that things got bad. I'm in my 2nd marriage; my oldest daughter who's 16 is from a previous marriage, but my husband's her father since she was 2. I've been with him for 13 years, and we've always had some kind or problem financially or emotionally, and it even got physical a time or two. I have made some big mistakes during our time together, but he's still with me. I want to understand why I feel I'm not needed anymore--and why I keep trying to fix that void and be needed, so I can become happy. Can you help me?

A. Whether or not you remember childhood events that made you sense that your worth/lovability depended on always putting others' feelings and needs first, it's a learned reflex. Loneliness is about your lack of connection to You. Your memory of when things got bad as a teen, likely involves your normal phase of Self-discovery--and needing to individuate, and separate from your parent's control. It appears they've won that battle. Your self-esteem issues require focused, therapeutic work to resolve, but begin by sitting with your empty/dead feelings when they come up; these sensations have driven your addiction to taking care of others. Start tolerating these feelings for ten seconds at a time, before you bury them with another activity--it'll make you stronger! Escaping these difficult feelings, has led to your body's ailments and panic issues. You've run from these your whole life, but they've colored all your behavior patterns and choices. This trouble that's surfacing now, is driven by your kids being less dependent--leaving you more room to be, and not do. Feeling needed cannot fix depression! If it could, you would have been celebrating a far happier life, many years ago. Re-read my article, until you can hold onto/integrate those concepts; my codependency forum will be useful too!

Q. Shari, thanks so much for your article on borderline men! Your candor and humor are really appreciated, as are your insights. I love this piece, and will be looking forward to new installments.

A. My pleasure. Enjoy.

Q. I feel a deep, overwhelming need to be loved--to the extent I feel I'll push people away with it. It's scary to live with this feeling, and frightening to think about living with someone else, too. I'm trapped here.

A. Your concern is shared by many. This "overwhelming need" you describe is deeply entwined with painful yearning and longing. These are the sensations you learned were an integral part of loving as a small child. In addition, those early experiences left you feeling unlovable/unworthy of having your cravings for love returned or reciprocated. Core trauma (healing) work helps you come to accept and like yourself, so this desperate need for another's attention or love is in balance with how you feel about Yourself. Begin here.

Q. My sister's boyfriend is a psychotherapist in private practice. He recently announced to our family that he'd started treating a well known actor, and revealed the name of this person. Something inside me felt this was wrong, but I was reluctant to say anything at the time. Should he have done this? Should I have shared my feelings that this wasn't right? Disappointed.

A. Your feelings about this are very valid and astute. Many years ago when I'd first returned to school, an almost identical situation happened to me. I'd had the same feelings about it as you did, and felt that this must represent an ethical breach. My schooling much later confirmed these intuitions. Some of my colleagues share this kind of news among themselves, when they're treating someone with celebrity status--but revealing the identity of a client is absolutely wrong, regardless of who you're talking to. I've chalked these behaviors up to developmental deficits, poor boundaries/impulse control and an 'undercooked' ego or sense of Self; yes, borderline traits and narcissism are fairly common within this community. It's appropriate to tell your sister's boyfriend, that sharing the identity of a client made you feel uncomfortable, and undermined your trust. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. Shari, how do I help a man with attachment issues?

A. If you're dating this man, you don't. Instead, try finding someone who's emotionally available. If you're his therapist, and you are not working with core issues in your practice, refer him to a practitioner who is! In any case, this piece should help.

Q. I think my toddler has ADD/ADHD. How do I know for sure?

A. It's far too early to be considering a diagnosis like this! Read some books on infant and child development, learn how to respond to your child's needs, and accept that your comfort and peace will be inconvenienced for awhile; it comes with the job (and privilege) of being a good parent.

Q. I see that you've mentioned Landmark Forum on your site, and I've been thinking of checking it out. I can't tell from your writings, if you think The Forum is a worthy endeavor or not, and would like to get your 'take' on this.

A. The Forum, The Meadows and other programs/retreats of this type can be helpful--for some. Landmark's methods are pretty crude, and even brutal. If you're fairly whole and emotionally healthy, you might be able to withstand this experience, acquire new awarenesses and insights about yourself, and utilize some of the tools you get there. Group venues like The Meadows pry the lid off a Pandora's Box in your psyche--but can't help you heal/come to terms with the painful material you unearth. No 'quick fix' can. It's like the scabs get loosened from unhealed early trauma, and you're left bleeding--so you're asked to sign-up for more! If you've struggled to survive or felt empty most of your life, and you think these costly programs will fix those issues, it's unlikely you will be able to benefit from this experience--which inevitably leaves you with more shame, than before! Read these Landmark blogs.

Q. I've just met a woman (online) I'm excited about. We've had several hours of phone contact, and we're going out in a few days. I'm wondering if it's too soon to bring her flowers. What do you think?

A. I think you should trust your instincts--but as you've asked for my advice, it seems there's ambivalence between what you want to do, and what you think you should do. Women's feelings can differ about flowers. My personal opinion is that You're enough to begin with, and more may seem like you're trying too hard to impress. I know a man who consistently gives presents to women he barely knows (hoping he'll be liked/accepted). This compensatory behavior is rooted in self-worth issues. Once you develop a deeper interest and sense it's reciprocal, flowers are a lovely romantic gesture.

Q. Shari, is abandonment worse on kids, than living with parents who aren't getting along?

A. Leaving a marriage does not mean "abandoning" your children. Any child who grows up with constant tension and fighting between his parents, must survive living in a war zone! This is grossly unfair to a child--but it's only the tip of this iceberg. Children learn from example; mean-spirited/disrespectful interplay between spouses becomes a child's definition for what 'marriage' means. As an adult, he or she will unwittingly choose partners with whom to replicate this familiar drama, or may never marry at all. Seeing loving, caring interactions between grown-ups is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child, as he/she will be looking forward to these pleasurable experiences in adulthood--and have a sense of how to create them! This dynamic may be achievable within a marriage, or it may not--but staying for the "children's sake," is often more about the parents' needs, than about the kids.

Q. I've been seeing someone for awhile, and we've recently gotten sexual. I like this guy--but he ejaculates prematurely, and it's very frustrating for me. It seems like just as I'm heating up, he climaxes. He says he's always been very 'sensitive,' and that other lovers haven't minded, but it's driving me nuts that he can't go beyond about 90 seconds. He's able to recharge fairly quickly, and can do it several more times--but this still isn't satisfying, and I'm left feeling aroused and angry afterward! Is there any hope for us?

A. This situation is horribly frustrating, and no amount of foreplay makes up for abbreviated sexual intercourse, when this part's important to you. If your lover sustains his erections and is able to delay climax during other forms of stimulation (manual/oral), he could have attachment/engulfment fears. This issue's considered a form of impotency--and in some circles, it's regarded as passive-aggressive withholding. If all types of sensual interplay trigger rapid release, the two of you can try special exercises that will help him gain more control over his orgasm. It seems this hasn't been an issue for him, so I'm not certain he'll be motivated to resolve it. Given this is a new relationship, you may not want to invest the time/patience it takes to surmount this--but only you can come to that determination. [More letters like this are archived here.]

Q. Hi Shari, my sister and I are very close, but she's always complaining about the same issues over and over (ad-nauseam), and her negativity's getting on my nerves. I try to listen patiently and offer suggestions, but it seems she just wants to gripe about this stuff, rather than doing anything about it! When I've tried to change the topic or get off the phone, she gets really mad and starts shouting and swearing at me, saying I don't care about her (which isn't true). I hate making her mad, but I feel trapped. How I can handle this better?

A. This appears to be a no-win situation--meaning, you're damned if you do (listen to these constant complaints) and damned if you don't! Continuing to lend her your ear, reinforces poor behavior. Taking the best care of your own needs is the healthiest way to deal with a no-win struggle, and may involve distancing yourself. Assure your sister of your love and support, but make it clear that you're no longer willing to engage this way. If she won't take any actions to resolve her difficulties, she's obviously content to maintain them. Let yourself off this hook.

Q. My husband's enmeshed with his mother, which has put a big strain on our relationship from the beginning. He'll always run to take care of her needs, and they talk 8 or 9 times a day (she's in good health, incidentally). Regardless of what's going on with us, he takes her calls--even when they've interrupted our lovemaking! He's sarcastic and verbally abusive with me, and we often end up fighting. I've tried to get along with his mom, but she constantly finds fault with me, and acts cold or indifferent. My husband and I have been trying to conceive, but I'm now starting to question if I want to stay in this marriage. Any insight or advice you can offer is greatly appreciated.

A. Men who haven't been able to separate from their mothers make poor husbands; essentially, they're already married. An enmeshed mother feels jealous of her child's attachments, and tries to undermine them. Very likely, her needs always had to come first during his childhood, and she's interfered with every aspect of his existence. Under these circumstances, his sense of closeness is confused with engulfment or loss of Self, which can lead to pent-up frustration and rage. It sounds like these feelings are being directed at you instead of where they belong (you're the less threatening target--he can't risk being abandoned by Mom). Unless/until you establish a loving and stable foundation in this marriage, put the baby plans on hold. Try to have a heart to heart with your husband about how unhappy you've been. If you're both willing to try couples therapy to strengthen and repair this connection, that's a good start. If not, your options seem pretty clear.

Q. My doctor has added a 'sub-therapeutic' dose of a mood stabilizer to my existing antidepressant therapy. I'm wondering if this makes sense, and why I should even bother with it.

A. Everyone's system is somewhat unique, in terms of how various meds affect them. If your antidepressant hasn't been managing your symptoms, switching to another, or adding a mood stabilizer can enhance your therapy--particularly if your doctor suspects there's a bipolar issue. Some people do very well on minimal amounts of these drugs, and have unpleasant side-effects when they increase to a standard, or 'therapeutic' dose. Trust your physician for now, and you can reassess this issue in a week or two.

Q. Shari, what happens to a fetus, if the expectant mother has a panic attack?

A. An isolated panic event probably won't do much harm, but anxiety issues are seldom isolated. If there's been one panic episode, we're automatically inclined to worry that this horrible incident could happen again, and a level of anxiety remains. My article on panic/anxiety explains how these issues are acquired, and discusses fetal impact as well.

Q. How do I confront my parents about their toxic behavior?

A. First, let's accept that what's held you back from doing this, is a natural fear of abandonment. Let your parents know how their words and actions make you feel. Be as specific as possible, which can go something like this; "when you say these things, it makes me feel; small, worthless, unloved, etc., which is very hurtful." Toxic parenting stems from deficits in emotional development, meaning that empathy was never learned/acquired. Check my Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Forums (at top) for more about these issues.

Q. I just wanted to thank you for your article on ADD. I've read lots of other material on this topic--but felt yours was like reading a personal case study on me! The part I was most affected by, was when you talked about taking these drugs "discretionally," or as needed. For many years, I've resisted considering medication as a means to help myself with these symptoms--but now, I think I'm ready to explore this. Thank you so very much for helping me understand that this option is available! SW, Alabama

A. You're very welcome.

Q. I think I may have a fear of success. Each time I get close to a goal, I lose interest or sabotage myself in some way. Is there a way to overcome this?

A. What most people interpret as a "fear of success," is actually a fear of disappointment, if their plan for achieving something fails. It's far easier to fantasize about 'probable' outcomes resulting from our efforts, than to put them to the test--and not have them work out! Certain issues and/or beliefs left over from childhood may be contributing to this difficulty, and it can be very helpful to explore this therapeutically. Individuals with attention deficit issues are especially prone to losing interest/enthusiasm for their aims, and this is exacerbated by the cyclical nature of this (neurological) disorder.

Q. I've slighted someone who's a friend. I really want their forgiveness, but don't know how to ask for it. Can you help?

A. State exactly the things you have in your note to me, and sincerely ask your friend if she/he is willing to forgive you. Remember the Nike campaign? Just do it.

Q. I read your forum entry from a woman complaining about her "stay-at-home" boyfriend (as you put it), while she supported the two of them. What about all the women who expect us guys to support 'em, while they spend our money shopping and having lunch with girlfriends?!

A. Men usually vary on this kind of thing; some are comfortable providing for women in this way, and some are not. I try to respond to the concerns each individual describes in their contact with me, and if a man had written with this problem, I would have replied similarly (with the exception of stay-at-home mothers, which is the toughest full-time job there is)! I believe this issue is more difficult for females to accommodate, due to cultural aspects inherent in our masculine and feminine roles and archetypes. Historically, males were the protectors and providers for the family; in earlier times, there was no question that a man's wife and children would share the fruits of his labor, and be the recipients of his bounty. Times have changed, and so have our needs. Today, many couples equally share financial weight for the relationship--or they split these responsibilities according to respective incomes.

Q. I seem to need/crave a lot of affection. Is something wrong with me?

A. No, nothing is "wrong" with you! We all have different needs for physical contact, which is also reflected by our animals/pets! This individual level of need is generally with us from childhood; some kids require a great deal of affection/attention, and others might not like being touched or held (which can be difficult and frustrating for parents). Most people fall somewhere in-between, where there's a considerable margin for personal preference. Look for partners who are demonstrative with their loving feelings, so this part of you can be nourished/satisfied.

Q. Shari, I'm faced with a very difficult dilemma. I recently went out with a man I'd met online, who (as it turns out) is dating a friend of mine! During our dinner conversation, he told me he'd been seeing someone for awhile, but "not seriously." When he mentioned her first name and where she lives, I nearly choked on my food. To say the least, I was shocked and almost speechless! I told him off, and said I didn't want to have anything to do with him. My problem is, I know that my friend thinks this relationship is more substantial than it is, and I'm afraid of hurting her by telling her the truth about this schmuck! I'm also afraid she'll get mad at me for revealing this information. HELP!!!

A. How would you want this handled, if you were in your friend's position? A true friendship sometimes involves risk; this means being willing to go out on a limb to save someone you care about from harm or more pain! Let your friend know that you have something difficult to tell her, and approach this very sensitively. If her natural instincts/intuitions haven't already alerted her to this issue, she could be in denial. This means she won't want to believe you--and may choose to maintain that relationship! If she's shocked and angry that this man's been cheating on her, she'll be compelled to do something about it. Either way, you've (courageously) demonstrated solid caring, by being honest with her. If she 'shoots the messenger' and rejects you, I'd be seriously questioning how much she has valued your friendship!

Q. My doctor has put me on an antidepressant (Zoloft), and I'm feeling tired and listless. I've called his office to see if this is a side effect of the drug, but they haven't gotten back to me. Is this a normal reaction I'm having, and will it pass?

A. Zoloft is an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor), and you're having a fairly typical response to it. Leave another message for your doctor asking if it's OK to take your medication at a different time of day--and request that someone please get back to you on this immediately. In the interim, read important information pertaining to this issue, here.

Q. Having recently joined with an investment firm, I'm in need of clients. I'd really like to approach my friends and acquaintances about opening or building stock portfolios with me, but it feels a bit awkward. Is there any way to offer my services, without seeming like I'm trying to sell them on something, and alienating them?

A. These kinds of situations are always a bit tricky--but honesty is the best policy, regardless of what you're promoting. If you're contacting active/close friendships, let them know you'd love to assist them if they ever decide to go in this sort of direction, and leave it at that. If you're wanting to pitch an old or former friend/associate you haven't spoken to in a long time, do not make up some bullshit excuse for reconnecting. Leave a brief message requesting they phone you back, if your outreach misses them. If/when you actually connect, let them know that besides wanting to 'catch up,' you're excited about this new endeavor and wanted to share it with them, in case you might be of service one day. This keeps the contact 'clean,' so the other person doesn't have to feel like you've got a hidden agenda (using them for your own gain), which I've discussed in relation to a Landmark Forum issue. It's a more authentic and (potentially) productive approach for both of you!

Q. I've recently started law school, but I'm not sure this is what I really want. My dad and grandfather are attorneys, and it's sort of a family tradition to build a law career. Since I was a kid I've always loved cooking; I feel very drawn to culinary school, and sense it could be a better fit for my talent and interests, but I don't want to let my family down. I'm really struggling with this right now, and not sure what I should do about it.

A. First, your parents and grandparents have already lived their lives, and made choices that were congruent with their needs/desires. Perhaps it's time for you to consider doing the same! For now, this doesn't have to be a black or white issue (to be or not to be a lawyer); dabble around in the 'grey area' for awhile with some structured learning in cooking/baking classes during your spare(?) time, while in law school. Doing so will be a good test of your motivation/passion, and give you a better sense of whether (or not) this profession might be a solid fit for you. Making a terrific omelet is very different from having what it takes to become a masterful chef, but sticking your toes in these waters should assist you in determining your direction.

Q. I've recently recovered from agoraphobia, and managed to go home for the holidays (by myself) after many years! I was thrilled with this, but noticed some anxiety symptoms cropping up while I was there, and after my return. I thought I was done with this issue--but feel like I'm losing ground, which is confusing and discouraging! Why is this happening?

A. You've not mentioned the methods by which you achieved your recovery, but anxiety, panic and agoraphobia (an intense panic condition that keeps you homebound) are feeling-related issues. You didn't develop this problem in a vacuum; you were influenced by a number of environmental factors growing up, that made you discard certain traits/emotions. Returning to that environment (even for a brief time) can reactivate toxic relational dynamics, and put you at risk for a regression. Learning to manage the symptoms of Panic Disorder is not the same as healing it.

 

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