WHO'S
DOING
YOUR DIRTY WORK?
Deconstructing Passive Aggression
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
Have
you ever . . . been with a lover who suddenly withdrew
attention or affection, and responded to you very differently than
he/she did before? Started feeling confused in a relationship, not
knowing where you stood with the other person? Painfully wondered
why someone you've felt close with isn't calling anymore, or returning
your calls? Driven yourself crazy trying to figure out
what you might have done or said to make him/her distance from you,
and wished they'd just tell you what's
going on, so you could try and repair it or move on? Well, you're
not alone!
Frankly,
this has probably happened to each of us at one time or other, and
whether it's occurred in a romantic relationship or a friendship,
we've been wounded by it. The
loss of connection with someone we've valued/cherished is hard enough
to manage--but feeling underestimated by them adds insult
to injury! If we've acquired the capacity to handle confrontation
and resolve conflicts, and someone exits the relationship emotionally
and/or physically instead of discussing their concerns, it's a betrayal
of the trust and affection we've shared. When this happens, it leaves
us feeling diminished and angry, because here's what they're
passively expressing: "I don't regard
you as capable of resolving this issue with me," or
"I'm uncomfortable sharing my real feelings
with you," or "You and your feelings don't matter
here," and "It's easier (on me) to forfeit
this connection and disappear, than to muster the courage I need
to repair it." I'm not sure if this is any consolation, but
they're showing you how they were
treated and abandoned growing up, and unresolved childhood issues
always repeat in adulthood.
WHO'S
AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD WOLF?
If
you haven't resolved/healed hurtful childhood
experiences that made you feel emotionally unsafe, anyone who interacts
with you in ways that trigger similar sensations, will likely prompt
your retreat. Someone's personality could be naturally
more direct or confrontive than yours; they might have traits that
seem very matter-of-fact, controlling or harsh, but they may be
unaware that these aspects intimidate or frighten others.
Strong personality traits can make them seem volatile and threatening,
making you want to avoid them whenever possible. The best
way for you to deal with this type of person, is
to tell them how their behavior affects you--which may
go something like this: "I'm feeling (angry, defensive,
frustrated, etc.), and my instinct is to shut down/distance myself"
or, "Your manner feels (dangerous, scary, unsafe)
to me, and makes me want to protect myself and avoid you."
This mirrors/reflects back to them how they're being perceived
or coming across to you, and should alert them to your need for
a different approach.
You
may also set limits/boundaries on how someone speaks to you, which
can be especially helpful in work environments, 'cause there's no
excuse for abuse! Do this in any way that feels congruent with your
communication style and ability, but here's an example: "I'm
sorry, but your tone feels abusive, and that's unacceptable to me.
When you feel you can approach me in a calmer/more respectful manner,
I'll be happy to hear what you have to say, and will respond to
the best of my ability" (and then separate yourself from
this person). You're not being insolent or difficult--you're only
asking them to communicate with you in a manner that enables you
to be responsive to their need. The outcome they're seeking may
not always be achievable, but at least you've let them know what
you're needing to give it your best shot--and taken better
care of yourself in the process!
If
you've experienced emotional
cut-off and/or any type of abusive behavior in your relationship,
and you've repeatedly felt beaten-down or controlled by this individual,
it's possible you're with a Borderline
or Narcissist.
It's crucial you learn more about personality
disorders, so you can differentiate between normal relational
conflicts, and abnormal patterns of behavior!
"TO
TELL THE TRUTH, I'M JUST TOO SCARED!"
When
we act-out our feelings by retreating or vanishing rather
than telling someone what's up with us, it's an avoidance
tactic that's based in fear. Most of us dread
confrontation, 'cause it makes us feel uncomfortable--but
no matter how much we'd like to think we're "walking
our talk," if we neglect to say what we mean, and mean what
we say, we're not! Whether we're trying to get fired from
a job or a relationship, not facing a
situation head-on and speaking our truth, usually gets us in deeper
trouble than we started with, and diminishes personal integrity.
Avoidance of direct communication inhibits opportunities for clarity
and resolution; this can actually be unfair to another, because
it lets him/her maintain their denial or ignorance about
an issue, and keeps them from growing! Our most commonly used excuses
for avoidance are; "I'm swamped at work"
or "I've just been so busy!" We may routinely
use "busy" to get ourselves
off the hook for doing what we know is respectful and right
behavior, but it's the least acceptable (or believable)
excuse for avoiding someone.
IN
THE BEGINNING . . .
Avoidant
personalities were formed in childhood, when many of us found it
impossible to have an attentive/receptive audience with the person
we needed most to hear, understand and respond to our feelings
and needs. As we grew, our parents may have felt defensive about
their shortcomings or mistakes, and made these issues seem
like our fault! Much later on, they may have deflected
our confrontations on important matters, by getting very emotional
(crying or yelling) when we got too close to a sensitive
nerve or difficult truth. Parents with narcissistic and/or borderline
waif traits may play the hurt, martyr
card; "I've always tried so hard
to be a good mother...!" and here's where we've abandoned
our own concerns or needs, and ended up comforting/reassuring
them! When we're made to feel guilty or scared about triggering
another's strong emotions, our most natural reflex is to back-off--but
the minute this occurs, any chance for meaningful exchange is thwarted.
When
focus gets diverted from our feelings to theirs, it's a
defense against taking responsibility for their hurtful behavior,
or being responsive to our needs. Our parents may still use this
strategy, to avoid confrontation and keep themselves off the 'hot
seat.' They may start to cry, or attempt to divert our
focus by telling us about their aches, pains or personal struggles.
These tactics almost always elicit sympathy, which diffuses anger--and
have you ever noticed, it's nearly impossible to be mad
at someone, while you're feeling sorry for them?
The
trouble with all this, is each time this sort of 'emotional
ricochet' has occurred, we've become programmed
to expect that sharing our feelings will be frustrating, painful
or scary--and we've projected these concerns onto each relationship
we've had ever since! We may not even try communicating
openly as adults, because it's easier to stuff
our feelings (with food),
numb them with other substances/behaviors, or just disappear.
Having learned as children that saying how we
felt meant punishment and pain, we now do our best to avoid it--even
at the expense of tarnishing our character.
DANGEROUS
LIAISONS
Unwillingness
to talk about what we're feeling prompts destructive, passive-aggressive
behavior. When it comes to slowing the pace of an intimate
involvement or wanting to leave, our passivity drives certain actions
that are far more injurious to another, than if we stated our concerns
and/or needs! Furthermore, when we harshly judge our ambivalence
about a relationship or issue because we think we "should be"
more decisive, this inhibits sharing a sense of uncertainty that's
very normal within most contexts, and intimacy is derailed at the
starting gate.
For someone who's unable to
acknowledge difficult emotions, and for whom experiencing and expressing
needs produces discomfort, even another's minor infractions
can become dangerously cumulative, and prompt a variety of somatic
responses that may turn into serious health issues, like migraine
headaches, intestinal/stomach problems, Anxiety/Panic
Disorders, etc. Small annoyances or disappointments are
initially glossed over and internalized as trivial or "unimportant,"
but are noticed just the same. Mounting resentment may
occasionally trigger rageful outbursts--but is more often acted-out
in a passive/non-direct fashion, which might include infidelities,
emotional or sexual withholding/withdrawal, sarcasm, broken commitments
or "forgetting" specific requests made by a spouse/lover--or
anyone else for that matter, because how you do
anything, is how you do everything.
Avoidant
personalities may become pathological liars. They begin by telling
little white lies, to help them circumvent awkward/uncomfortable
situations or truths. At some point, this pattern can become habituated,
making it far easier to side-step the truth in general. Years ago,
I dated someone with O.J. Simpson Syndrome (he
actually believed his lies). This fellow refused to acknowledge
when he'd made an error, and even denied that he'd broken something
of mine, when I'd watched it happen! These individuals typically
have selective memory of events, and cannot take ownership of past
(or present) behavior that seems imperfect or unsavory to them.
They may twist the facts and act indignant, making you feel ashamed
or a little crazy for even suggesting they made a mistake,
or caused any harm.
Avoidant
behavior
is one of the defenses that's associated with narcissism.
Narcissistic individuals lack authentic ego strength, and this (core)
deficit makes it nearly impossible for them to acknowledge their
flaws or failings; they may be quick to point out your
shortcomings, but confronting their own invokes intolerable
levels of shame and self-loathing. This personality type is usually
more comfortable "giving than taking," which spawns codependent
dynamics with family, friends and lovers. The notion of receiving
challenges their (false) non-needing self, and prompts anxiety about
loss of control in relationships. Sensitive, open/honest
dialogues involve the willingness and capacity to feel vulnerable;
core-damaged people avoid vulnerability, and rely on passive-aggressive
tactics to manipulate others into accommodating their needs.
Some of these folks become People
Pleasers, as they're deeply invested in having
others regard them as perfect, or above reproach. By the
way, narcissists can be great at coming to your rescue if you have
a problem (they need to be needed), but they're highly
offended, if you have a problem with them!
Passive-aggressive
issues are definitely not gender specific, but men seem
especially inclined to act-out their feelings, and force
women to do their 'dirty work' when it comes to
distancing, or ending relationships. They may withdraw emotionally
or physically, behave in ways that are inconsiderate, or act like
insensitive jerks--but (ironically) what often drives this acting-out
behavior, is fear and guilt about "hurting" someone!
Fact: Whenever we fail to express our feelings
truthfully, there's a lack of congruency between our words and actions
that creates painful/confusing inner torment for someone we
supposedly care for! Bottom line; if you have the courage
to be honest, you can avoid being cruel.
"YIKES,
I THINK I'VE JUST BEEN SHOT!"
Passive
aggression may be directed verbally rather than
acted on physically, which is a more subtle and devious way to undermine
someone. Perhaps we have a relative, lover or "friend"
whose comments often feel like barbs. When we react
to the slight or attempt to get clarification on their meaning,
they may tell us they're "just kidding," or
we're being "too sensitive."
This is designed to invalidate our perceptions and deflect
the confrontation--and as Ellen DeGeneres always says; 'kidding'
is when both people can laugh at the joke. Rather than
directly expressing what they really think of us, they
choose to deliver their hurtful messages indirectly or 'in code,'
to disarm
and disable us from responding to their (veiled) attack. These comments
usually come in a kind of sideways manner or slightly under
the breath as a jab, and they're wounding!
This person definitely wants to convey something, but their message
is cloaked, to avoid being held accountable for their words--or
our reactions.
I
once had a friendship with a woman who relied heavily on
this style of self-expression. Her snide, offhand comments felt
diminishing and hurtful, causing me to wonder if she secretly resented
me, or was jealous. If I didn't strictly adhere to her
notion of "right behavior," I was severely
reprimanded. It didn't matter how generous/caring I'd been throughout
the decades of our friendship; when I did something in a way that
didn't perfectly match how she thought
it should be done, she chastised me for being a "bad friend."
This was painful for me, and as I worked to address and resolve
each issue with her, another one surfaced almost immediately!
For a time, I walked on eggshells in that relationship, and I'm
certain that others have too. Her rigid black or white/borderline
traits and narcissism,
made it impossible for us to work through difficulties and remain
close--and felt too toxic for me to keep
trying. After gaining understanding about personality disorders,
I've realized that my former friend learned/adopted this
style of interaction as a kid, and invariably treats others as
she was treated.
"I
REALLY, REALLY NEED YOU TO LIKE ME . . . !"
Abandonment
and attachment issues from childhood lay the groundwork for passive-aggressive
behavior--but it's still sometimes hard to discern why we
keep engaging in ineffectual/unhealthy patterns with people who
matter to us! Are we afraid they'll think less of us, if we're honest
with them? Do we fear losing someone's love, if
we're responsive to our own needs? Did we have to lie as
kids, to keep peace at home or avoid getting punished?
Did our parents maintain aspects of a relationship, without
regard for another's feelings or needs? All these issues could have
contributed to our not being truthful in relationships, but we pay
a heavy price, 'cause it undermines our self-respect, and leaves
little room for others to respect us either.
THE
BOOMERANG EFFECT
Avoidance
of direct communication is an insidious type of control issue that
makes others feel emotionally unsafe, and undermines their trust
in us. In the midst of trying to cope with the painful feelings
this invokes, they might react in ways that are aggressive
or hurtful in return. At this juncture, either they
terminate the relationship, or we get to feel justified
in leaving--but do we ever take ownership/responsibility for having
maneuvered them into this position in the first place? If you've
ever neglected to let someone know where they stood with
you, and made them do your dirty work, you've earned
a dishonerable discharge from that relationship.
We
might
one day choose to re-establish contact with someone we acted-out
with months or years earlier--or we may by chance, run into
this person. If we've neglected to be forthright during that relationship,
we shouldn't be too surprised if they're unreceptive to
our efforts to re-engage them. Unless you're willing to take ownership
of your hurtful behavior and offer a heartfelt apology, it's pretty
unlikely this person will desire more contact. When trust
has been breached, so has respect--and second chances can be very
few and far between. Whether you've chosen to step away from a new
relationship or an long-established one, how you orchestrate its
ending is crucial, because it's typically what someone
remembers most about you.
REFRAMING
AND REBUILDING
My
main purpose here, is to help you learn that 'confrontation' simply
means telling someone what's true
for you, so how can that be a bad thing? This interaction
doesn't have to be uncaring or unkind--it just has to come from
an honest place inside you! Sharing our 'real-self' always
invokes awkward, anxious feelings, because vulnerability isn't
designed to be easy! When we finally accept this,
we can begin welcoming opportunities to practice these
skills, and get better at them! You cannot predict or control how
someone will handle a confrontation, but you can commit
to the action--and that's the most important part of this
exercise.
You
can only become as healthy/whole as your psychotherapist--but a
solid therapeutic endeavor helps you learn how to confront
difficult topics in an effective manner, freeing up lots
of energy in the process. You should gain the ability to consider
another's feelings, while staying with
yours. You can begin to trust, respect and act on these feelings,
as opposed to submerging them, or taking 'better care' of everyone
else's. But most importantly, you'll be able to let go
of passive-aggressive behavior that's destroyed your past relationships,
while building verbal skills and intimacy that
will enhance your future ones! If you
think you'd like to give this a shot, the payoffs can be enormous--and
you could even start to enjoy raising your Integrity Quotient.
Meanwhile, try and do your own dirty work
by keeping in mind this acronym:
ICE...
Integrity
means
walking
your talk--especially when it's the most difficult
or awkward to do. (If this stuff were easy, everybody'd
be doing it!)
Courage
means
knowing yourself well enough to accept/embrace your insecurities
and shortcomings as well as
your strengths--and risking that someone who could really
matter to you, will too!
Emotional
responsibility means
behaving with conscious intent concerning
another's well-being (not just yours), and respecting them
enough to send clear signals--not mixed
ones.
If
you're seeking help with this issue, or your group/organization
would like me to speak on this topic, feel free to contact
me.
Meet
the Author