HAVEN'T
WE MET BEFORE?
The Borderline/Narcissist Couple.
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
You've
probably heard by now, that these two personality types are drawn
to each other, but might have wondered why this is true. I'll
try to demystify this mutual attraction, and provide a little
insight (as usual) along the way. For simplicity's sake, I discuss
female Borderlines and male Narcissists, but these roles can certainly
be reversed, and may include same-sex unions--in fact, the prevalence
of borderline pathology could be considered heightened within
the gay community.
Relationship
issues are universal--and homosexual men and women struggle with
many of the same concerns heterosexual couples do, because of
their core disturbances throughout childhood. Frankly, I have
never met a lesbian who didn't have major issues with her mother--but
that's another article.
Many
people
who contact me for help, are already aware of a distinct pattern
of attraction in their life. These romantic selections are thrilling
at first, but later become disappointing and pain-producing--yet
these patterns remain intact (despite self-promises to do it differently,
"next time"). The only way to explain this odd phenomenon,
is to understand the basis for these unwise relational
choices, and that's what this piece attempts to address.
It's
critical to understand that both narcissistic and borderline personality
disordered individuals incurred similar types of wounds to their
developing sense of Self, and isn't it simply natural
to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or
who echoes personality aspects in yourself? Well, this attraction
is a lot like that--it feels as if you've found your 'soul mate.'
There's a similar vibration/frequency you two share, due to childhood
abandonment issues. While the nature of those early difficulties
were alike, they've played out in different ways for each of you--but
the scars from that time remain, unless there's been some serious
core-focused therapy.
Do
not presume that a Narcissist and Borderline can construct a successful
marriage. If they haven't resolved their respective childhood
traumas, they'll continually trample on each other's emotional
landmines, and trigger highly explosive episodes--but remain hopelessly
enmeshed.
It's
not terribly unusual for two people with borderline traits to
engage--and regardless of the psycho-babble you may have read
elsewhere, anyone who's actually done any work with borderlines
would know this. Still, this coupling presents a highly combustible
mix; their respective pathology draws them to each other--but
the mutual harm/damage that's sustained by both parties in this
type of dynamic is considerable. It should also be noted, that
a person involved with a Borderline for even a limited time, will
be prone to adopting psychotic (BPD) symptomology, due to proximal
exposure. That's why we call their behaviors, "crazy-making."
THE
ROOT OF ALL EVILS
Core
injuries that undermine/derail self-esteem start during infancy,
and are reinforced and perpetuated throughout childhood. In the
simplest of terms, core disturbance
means that the hub of your wheel is broken or damaged in some
fashion. When the very center of your being has been compromised,
all the spokes that emanate from that point, will be weak and
susceptible to breaking under any amount of pressure.
Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence. It influences
self-worth, and determines how we think about and take care of
ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.
The
Narcissist usually compensates for core self-worth deficits,
with rescuing or fixing compulsions, athletic, scholastic or professional
over-achievements, charm/charisma, amassing material wealth, etc.
The Borderline compensates for core deficits--but does
it with her well-worn ability to seduce,
for that is the only arena where she feels a true sense of mastery
or self-confidence.
WHAT'S
LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
A
narcissistic partner is more likely to prompt his borderline lover's
defensive acting-out behaviors, as his engulfment fears and self-involvement
catalyze her abandonment concerns. This is a two-sided coin however,
as while she's yearning for his attention and affection,
she experiences painful sensations that were confused with loving,
as a child.
The
Borderline associates love with pain, and so does the Narcissist.
This is the crux of all the come here/go away (push/pull)
cycles this couple stages. When fears of loving or engulfment
become heightened/accentuated, either partner experiences anxiety,
which prompts their need to push away.
I'm
often asked if Borderlines are capable of loving, and
this appears to be a very central concern during the course of
these relationships--and afterward, when the discarded partner
needs to cling to the ideation that they were
in fact, truly loved. Borderlines felt pain in relation
to longing and striving for their parent's affection throughout
childhood--and learned to interpret these difficult/dramatic
feelings as Love. Therefore, as soon as this painful craving
is satisfied, their feelings of "love" evaporate!
Chasing after partners who are married/attached or in some way
emotionally or physically unavailable, keeps this yearning alive--and
inhibits them from embracing a partner who's actually able to
provide love on a consistent basis. Narcissists are similarly
attracted to someone who's slightly out of reach, for this eases
engulfment concerns (more on this, a bit further down).
It's
virtually impossible for the Narcissist to accept that his BPD
lover has no real capacity for love, as during the 'good times,'
he's felt jubilant, calm and at peace. To begin questioning these
feelings, triggers significantly painful inner conflict--for this
challenges long-held definitions of love, and what it's
supposed to feel like! Attachment difficulties in childhood strongly
influence this struggle, as he had no suitable frame of reference
in infancy or boyhood for consistent, nourishing attention, mirroring
and affection. Any crumbs of nurturance he got from his parents,
confirmed his sense that he was valued by them--but these episodes
were miniscule/brief compared to their neglect or abuse. This
early pattern has set the stage for his obsessional attraction
to a borderline disordered individual--as he can't painfully yearn
for someone who's consistently present and available. It
has also impaired his self-worth.
SO
THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS WE'VE GOTTEN OURSELVES INTO.
A
chameleon's coloring will change according to its surrounding
environment; this lizard's protective camouflage helps it capture
its prey, and hide from natural predators. Borderline personalities
are chameleon-like--they'll quickly discern what's important to
you, and become that, in the early phase of your relationship.
Most of us have been seeking this sort of romantic congruency
our entire life. To even get close to finding it, can
seem like a miracle! The trouble is, as soon as this guy or gal
senses that they've captured you, their normal colors
return.
The
molting process of reptiles involves shedding their skin to accommodate
growth--it's like outgrowing a T-shirt you wore as a child. Sadly,
personal growth isn't natural to Borderlines. Underneath their
perfectly adoring veneer is a dark side they've hidden from you,
just long enough to get you hooked. Once you're really theirs,
this part emerges--and you spend the rest of your time in this
dance trying to figure it all out, and reconnect with that person
you fell for initially!
The
Borderline's captivating allure is nearly impossible to ignore--particularly
for a man in mid-life. Long term marriages are
often destroyed in the midst of affairs with considerably younger
women who've enlivened the Narcissist's sense of grandiosity, along
with his penis. Erectile dysfunction is generally blamed on the
wife of many years--when it's actually just a symptom of pre-existing
intimacy issues, that have reached critical mass. I think of ED
more as Emotional Dysfunction, than any problems with male
physiology. In most instances, this is a psychic/emotional issue--not
a physical one.
THE
TAMING OF THE SCREW
The
narcissistic
male places himself in a double-bind, when he attributes his organ's
enthusiastic response to the female who's awakened it from a deep
slumber. Initially, some magical thinking presumes that she's
responsible for his newfound sexual prowess--and as such, they're
meant to sail off into the sunset together. Before long though,
all this power he assigns to her is a bit intimidating.
A Narcissist may need to be needed, but he can't allow himself
to need anyone. Sexual dependency on someone brings up
deep fears about loss of love and control, and here's
where his distancing maneuvers can kick in. This is not consciously
held by the Narcissist--it's just an archaic defense mechanism,
that helps him maintain his emotional equilibrium.
A
healthy, whole woman may be slightly disappointed to not receive
a phone message from her lover, the morning after an especially
loving evening--but the borderline-disordered female
interprets the most subtle signs of neglect, as loss of love and
affection. Her abandonment fears are instantly triggered.
In self-defense, she shuts down, rages or takes herself away.
She has been poised for this to happen anyhow--so she will imagine
abandoning behavior, even when/where it doesn't exist.
Now,
the self-protective defenses begin, as neither partner wants to
venture too far out on this limb, for fear of falling from their
love nest of infatuation. This mutually held anxiety can inhibit
genuine expressions of caring from the Narcissist, while triggering
frantic, premature declarations of "love" from the Borderline.
Like a small child, her emotional responses are unboundaried and
irrepressible. The toxic shame that's catalyzed when her impulsivity
(in love) isn't reciprocated, is intolerable--so she
shames her partner via projections.
Sex
can be the glue holding these two together, while their respective
need for autonomy is motivated by fear about getting too close.
This ambivalence automatically sets off a series of controlling
behaviors within each, for being physically and emotionally
naked with someone, means feeling too exposed and vulnerable.
Hypersexuality
in the Borderline is an intricate issue. On one hand, she uses
it to escape her numbness and emptiness. On the other, she believes
that she can control males in this way. This facet is magnified
when there's been incest or sexual molestation during her childhood,
because she was made to feel 'special' by accommodating/catering
to an adult's prurient appetites. Her self-worth is inextricably
linked to performance, and will continue--especially with rebound
(or auxiliary) lovers who are struck by its exciting novelty.
Your
coupling
may be sexually intoxicating--but that's generally because it
isn't 'safe' (or possible) to connect in other domains
of this relationship. In short, all that energy gets funneled--and
flows wherever and however it can. Even fighting
can become a couple's only means of connecting.
WHEN
OPPOSITES ATTRACT . . .
Narcissistic
individuals are frequently People Pleasers, which means they're
passive-aggressive. They're more comfortable giving rather than
receiving in relationships, which is part of a control
issue they adopted during childhood, in response to parental neglect.
In couplings, the one who needs the least, is always
the one in power--and the Borderline's needs usually far outweigh
those of her partner. The Borderline is like a little child when
it comes to impulse control and asserting wants/needs, so she's
the active partner in this dynamic. The Narcissist has
never really felt worthy of having needs, so he suppresses
them; he's the passive partner. Somebody must
be willing to carry the emotions for this relationship, so that
typically falls to the active partner--or the Borderline. She'll
keep pushing the envelope until she gets a rise out of her partner.
She literally thrives on drama and chaos, but rebels like a three
year old when he takes a stand--even though she requires
the containment and comfort that boundaries and limits provide.
ALL
RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON MUTUAL NEED.
A
Borderline needs the qualities in you, that are lacking in herself;
honesty, dependability, strength of character, etc. She possesses
an uncanny ability for finding men who've built stable, flourishing
lifestyles (whether married or not), but who have insecurities
and self-doubts left over from boyhood. The Borderline methodically
goes about finding out where your vulnerabilities are buried;
when she discovers what's behind your props, she cleverly
uses your weaknesses against you, for her own advancement/gain.
Decades ago, these women were referred to as Gold-diggers or Home-wreckers.
The male version was a Gigolo or Casanova
who took sexual/emotional advantage of females, and/or robbed
them blind.
When
a Borderline encounters a successful, charismatic Narcissist,
she sees power in him, and security/comfort for herself. Since
she has never really felt protected in her world, this male is
perceived as her ticket to safety. He may never have felt especially
attractive or worthy of attention from a girl who's a
real traffic stopper--so he's flattered out of his pants by the
Borderline's seductive pursuit. His grandiose false-self has craved
this type of attention his whole life--even though he's never
felt deserving of it. Thus begins their dance, which replicates
an intriguing pattern that neither can resist.
Based
on the Borderline's emotional desperation, she might not
choose men who've attained significant acclaim, stability or success.
Abandonment fears always influence partner selection, and are
the crux of these attractions. The greater your need
is for this female (sexually, emotionally, psychologically, financially,
etc.), the easier she can keep the upper-hand and control
you--and it's always about control for a Borderline.
Having
been raised by narcissistic people who couldn't respond to her
needs for consistent mirroring and affection, the Borderline feels
at home when she locates a partner who initially showers
her with adoration--but then retreats, or finds fault with her.
Girlhood longing for love was associated with pain, so
she's programmed to keep striving for that which cannot be satisfied.
Each disruption of loving attention reactivates her core despair,
so she settles for scraps of love, that echo her early
conditioning. A lover who's more available or responsive, doesn't
fit this paradigm--or inspire her passionate response.
The
narcissistically injured male continually seeks females who can
perfectly mirror his attributes and qualities--and whom in some
manner, need him. He then gets to assuage his abandonment
concerns--but the flip-side of being needed, is being
engulfed. The Borderline can initially smother/suffocate her prey
with attention that causes him to retreat or distance, because
while it's flattering, and mitigates his abandonment
fears--it triggers vaguely familiar sensations of engulfment
he had to endure in boyhood, with Mother.
His
constant challenge then, is staying close without being swallowed-up
by the Borderline's needy, clingy, demanding nature. This challenge
is lessened of course, by the Borderline's continuous pattern
of seduction and retreat. In this way, the Narcissist's fear of
engulfment/too much closeness, becomes a non-issue. If
he were truly emotionally available, he could not tolerate these
erratic (come here/go away) patterns--and would seek a female
who is more consistently responsive to him and his needs (past
the Honeymoon stage).
To
contemplate leaving a Borderline presents significant
inner struggles, for not only is the Narcissist enmeshed,
he's terrified of potential ramifications his departure might
catalyze. He's all too familiar with her acute instability, and
frightened that she'll either bring great harm to herself--or
to him. Some men have described suicide and/or murder threats
and attempts, trumped-up domestic violence charges, stalking,
vandalism to their property, etc., when they've tried to flee
these tormenting relationships. The tragic reality is, it's often
easier to remain, than to leave--but this can spawn risks to his
health, his livelihood, his family ties, and all other associations.
Leaving triggers his guilt as well, which is an old remnant
from childhood individuation
struggles.
AS
THE TWIG IS BENT . . .
The
mother of a Narcissist makes her son feel that he is the very
center of her universe. He is the Golden Boy who can do no wrong--but
only when he's perfectly responsive to her demands and
wishes! A couple of problems arise here; she's imbedded and fueled
his grandiosity--even though he's unable to discern why
he's so "special," but has simultaneously implanted
self-esteem issues, which surface when he experiences himself
as flawed or imperfect. A borderline lover always reconstitutes
this early confusion and wounding, with her push-pull emotional
gymnastics. Intermittant episodes of adoration and abandonment
revive familiar patterns from boyhood, that he has normalized.
This keeps him striving for continuity of love/affection that's
unattainable--but uncomfortable/bored with a female who can provide
loving constancy.
The
Borderline Waif mother makes certain her son knows that she could
not survive without him, and that he is the guardian of (both)
her pleasure and pain. These early dynamics set him up for very
specific relational patterns in adulthood, which have driven him
into the arms
of needy/clingy Borderlines. On a subconscious level, his valiant
efforts to save her and fortify self-worth (despite all her loving/rejecting
behaviors), replicate his boyhood blueprint for
attachment.
If
a male was raised by a Queen or Witch-type Borderline, he'll be
drawn to women with similar traits or characteristics, who will
retraumatize him. It's also possible that he might select a female
who's relatively devoid of those features, and with whom
he can access more empowerment and autonomy, than he could as
a child. These needs can propel him toward someone with waif traits--but
even the Waif
must exert control over her relationships.
A
Borderline's needs were severely neglected in infancy and childhood,
which left her with painful self-worth issues. She may have only
received praise for her looks, or being the "perfect"
little girl, and this became the basis of her self-esteem.
Sadly, her mother may have been envious of the attention she got,
and jealous of the connection she shared with her father--or any
male, for that matter. Thus began a steady erosion of her sense
of Self, especially when it threatened the mother's sense of worth.
Borderline mothers usually detest other females. First, they view
them as threats--and second, there's such primal rage left
over from infancy (with Mom), this hatred is transferred onto all
other women. For the Borderline, even minor disappointments
can mean fatal ruptures to solid, nourishing relationships of any
type.
The
Borderline's perfectionism can drive endless plastic surgery procedures,
which may begin earlier, rather than later in life. Her inner
pain, emptiness and self-loathing dramatically distort how she
views her physical being--and she believes that if she fixes all
her (imagined) external flaws, she can feel happy and lovable.
She could also invest in body ornamentation like tattoos, piercings,
jeweled implants, etc., that temporarily ease her self-hatred
and dysphoria. An endorphin rush is triggered by these painful
procedures, which is part of their appeal--very much like self-cutting
or burning, distracts from emotional anguish.
Extreme,
unresolved rage issues toward Mother, may catalyze a Borderline's
detachment from any/all aspects of femininity within the Self,
and spawn bi-or homosexuality, transvestism or transgenderism
and sexual reassignment surgeries. She can continue searching
for an external solution to her despair and dissatisfaction--but
happiness is an inside job. With each attachment
to a new female, her hope for healing the mother-wound is revived.
Sadly, few partners are equipped to provide this soothing, and
a Borderline will usually triangulate
relationships with partners who are--for an available/responsive
lover doesn't trigger painful sensations associated with longing
and yearning for love that's unrequited.
The
Borderline continuously searches for affection, acceptance and
approval, due to extreme deficits in childhood. Her needs for
closeness and emotional safety overwhelm her--but while she might
seek these elements in a male, she's really looking to
mend her primal wounds from infancy. These profound needs are
displaced
onto romantic partners--but as she begins to feel that they can
actually be responded to, deeply entrenched abandonment terror
is invoked. This reaction is automatic and reflexive--and so is
her retreat.
SHE
LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT . . .
To
their partner, the Borderline's behaviors seem counterintuitive,
and I get questions about this all the time; "If they're
so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?"
Here's my analogy: If you've chosen never to go through a divorce,
'cause you've seen the destruction it's wreaked in other's lives--wouldn't
you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified
of abandonment. He/she doesn't allow themselves to attach, for
fear of the annihilating pain that might follow, if they do! You
will not change this.
The
Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well
enough--but she'll push you away, the minute that you do. Quite
literally, you're damned when you adore the Borderline,
and damned when you don't! This is totally confounding,
and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which
cannot be satisfied. This lack of grounding (in love) is highly
toxic to you.
When
you've grown up gaining a sense of worth
from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent's needs,
and backing that up with rescuing/fixing impulses in adulthood,
you're pretty confident you'll turn this deal around--if you just
keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all
will be right in your world. After all, you've accomplished other
great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong.
This is your narcissistic
injury talking, and it's needing to be healed. Core issues
that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating.
This
piece is a work in progress. Stay tuned for more--and in the
meantime, read my other articles
on Borderlines, and BPD
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