WE MET BEFORE?
The Borderline/Narcissist Couple
By Shari Schreiber,
probably heard by now, that these two personality types are drawn
to each other, but might have wondered why this is true. I'll
try to demystify this mutual attraction, and provide a little
insight (as usual) along the way. For simplicity's sake, I discuss
female Borderlines and male Narcissists, but these roles can certainly
be reversed, and may include same-sex unions--in fact, the prevalence
of borderline pathology could be considered heightened
within the gay community.
issues are universal--and homosexual men and women struggle with
many of the same concerns heterosexual couples do, because of
their core disturbances throughout childhood. Frankly, I have
never met a lesbian who didn't have major issues with her mother--but
who contact me for help, are already aware of a distinct pattern
of attraction in their life. These romantic selections are thrilling
at first, but later become disappointing and pain-producing--yet
these patterns remain intact (despite self-promises to do it differently,
"next time"). The only way to explain this odd phenomenon,
is to understand the basis for these unwise relational
choices, and that's what this piece attempts to address.
critical to understand that both narcissistic and borderline personality
disordered individuals incurred similar types of wounds to their
developing sense of Self, and isn't it simply natural
to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or
who echoes personality
aspects in yourself? Well, this attraction is a lot like that--it
feels as if you've found your 'soul mate.' There's a similar vibration/frequency
you two share, due to childhood abandonment issues. While the
nature of those early difficulties were alike, they've played
out in different ways for each of you--but the scars from that
time remain, unless there's been some serious core-focused intervention.
essential difference between the Narcissist and Borderline, is
that the BPD individual lives with psychosis, so they have difficulty
distinguishing between fantasy and reality. The Borderline's inability
to separate fact from fiction, distorts their perceptions. Extreme
emotional reactivity in reference to those distortions,
is a typical borderline personality feature.
Narcissists are frequently
'super-givers,' but authentic intimacy/closeness is often
avoided, given their engulfment fears. Caregiver types can be
drawn to borderline disordered individuals who match their own
attachment issues, so that 'safe' emotional proximity remains
for them a non-issue.
not presume that a Narcissist and Borderline can construct a successful
marriage. If they haven't resolved their respective childhood
traumas, they'll continually trample on each other's emotional
land mines, and trigger highly explosive episodes, while remaining
truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't
matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down
to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease,
and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity
works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an
unquenchable need to win,
due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by
anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game
than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control,
he'll literally fight to the death to maintain it--never
realizing what he's losing/giving up, while highly focused on
surmounting this challenge.
Narcissist relentlessly tries to 'crack the code' with his BPD
lover, due to long-standing, faulty assumptions about himself
he adopted as a boy, when his parents required him to be the
perfect child. If he
succeeded, he might have received praise. If he failed, their
disappointment was palpable, which triggered feelings of shame.
This child enters adulthood shaming himself, if ever
he senses that he's performed less than perfectly! But what constitutes
"perfection," and isn't it always a subjective state
Narcissistic perfectionist believes; "If I feel bad in
a relationship, it must be my fault."
The Borderline believes; "If I feel bad in a relationship,
it has to be your fault." This sets
up an endless cycle, within which the Borderline rages or retreats--and
the Narcissist attempts to fix it by cajoling,
pursuing, rescuing, etc., to flee his childhood shame
of feeling rejected/unlovable.
not terribly unusual for two people with borderline
traits to engage, and regardless of the psycho-babble you may
have read elsewhere, anyone who's actually done any work with
borderlines would know this! Still, this coupling presents a highly
combustible mix; their respective pathology draws them to each
other--but the mutual harm/damage that's sustained by both
parties in this type of dynamic is considerable. It should also
be noted, that a person involved with a Borderline for even a
limited time, will be prone to adopting psychotic (BPD) symptomology,
due to proximal exposure. That's why we call their behaviors,
same sort of 'mutual dysfunction' principle holds true for two
Narcissists who hook-up. Metaphorically, we have two crippled/impaired
partners trying to construct a normal life together, when they
can barely get around on their own. Each has lived with (core)
insecurity and self-loathing for most of their life, due to unresolved
infancy and childhood wounds to their sense of Self. You can surely
imagine two individuals trying to navigate their environment in
wheelchairs, but it could get pretty challenging in cramped quarters.
ROOT OF ALL EVILS
injuries that undermine/derail self-esteem start during infancy,
and are reinforced and perpetuated throughout childhood. In the
simplest of terms, core disturbance
means that the 'hub' of your wheel is broken or damaged in some
fashion. When the very center of your being has been
compromised, all the spokes which emanate from this point, will
be weak and susceptible to breaking under any amount
of strain. Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence.
It influences self-worth, and determines how we think about and
take care of ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.
Narcissist usually compensates for core self-worth deficits,
with rescuing or fixing compulsions, athletic, scholastic or professional
over-achievements, charm/charisma, amassing material wealth, etc.
The Borderline compensates for core deficits--but does
it with her well-worn ability to seduce,
for that is the only arena where she feels any true sense of mastery
son of a Borderline is typically attracted to
females who echo the traits he saw in his mom or dad--and
his boyhood trauma will be resuscitated over and over, with nearly
every romantic partnership he forms in adulthood.
grew up watching how their mothers behaved around men. They learned
how to be adorable and seductive, to manipulate people into giving
them what they wanted or needed. In short, they repeatedly observed
these tactics being deployed by a masterful teacher, and adopted
Borderline mother is often envious of her child's achievements/successes,
and could be flirtatious or seductive with her daughter's romantic
interests. She may have no compunctions whatsoever about stealing
boyfriends/lovers from her teenage or adult child. Competition
with her offspring might begin very early, and acutely influence/derail
the father-daughter bond.
variety of betrayals in childhood have deeply fractured a
Borderline's core, and psychic trauma from this period can't help
but seriously impact all adult relationship endeavors. Add to
this, the imprint from a narcissistic parent is retained, and
may be subconsciously sought after in her adult attachments.
LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
have built-in grandiosity. This is a defense against their feelings
of inadequacy and inferiority, which triggers their compulsion
to rescue, fix, teach and train others. They automatically presume
to know what others are thinking and feeling, and can come across
as absolute authorities on various topics. A Narcissist loves
to tell you what you're feeling, rather than asking about
it, which can be infuriating for anyone. Borderlines
have such a fragile sense of Self to begin with, they'll usually
act-out their frustration with the Narcissist's 'Mr. Know-it-all'
defenses by retreating or raging. He may regard her as explosive
or crazy, but he's the one who's unwittingly lit her
fuse. His ongoing need to be in the one-up position and exert
control, forms the basis of many conflicts and struggles with
this couple. The sad reality is, he has observed these traits
in his narcissistic parent, and has emulated them.
Narcissist lover will more readily trigger his borderline partner's
defensive acting-out behaviors, as his engulfment fears and self-involvement
catalyze her abandonment concerns. This is a two-sided coin however,
as while she's yearning for his attention and affection,
she experiences painful sensations that were once confused/entwined
with loving an unresponsive parent, and those
dramatic feelings are reinvigorated--and equated with love!
Borderlines and Narcissists associate Love with painful
longing. This is the crux of all those come here/go away
(push/pull) cycles with this couple, and a whole lotta country
western songs! Love equals pain, and vice-versa.
their intense craving for love is met, painful sensations they've
come to interpret as loving feelings, evaporate. At this
point, the Borderline feels bored or annoyed, and pushes away.
With healthy/whole partners who need continuity
of loving feelings, the Borderline feels emotional claustrophobia,
which compels her to disrupt episodes of authentic intimacy between
them. The Narcissist responds to his
need for distance and autonomy, by selecting unavailable BPD lovers
who won't trigger his engulfment
closeness or engulfment fears become heightened, both NPD and
BPD partners can experience anxiety, which prompts their need
to draw back. The distance between them eases tension, but a narcissistic
perfectionist makes it his fault, and experiences shame.
This catalyzes his frantic efforts to win-her-over again.
It isn't that he's needing her--he's needing reprieve
from his toxic sense of unlovability/unworthiness (shameful remnants
often asked if Borderlines are capable of loving, and
this appears to be a very central concern during the course of
these relationships--and afterward, when the discarded partner
needs to cling to the ideation that they were
in fact, truly loved. Borderlines felt pain in relation
to longing and striving for their parent's affection throughout
childhood--and learned to interpret
those difficult/dramatic feelings as Love. Chasing partners who
are emotionally or physically unavailable--or married/attached,
keeps their yearning alive, and inhibits them from embracing
somebody who's actually able to provide love
on a consistent basis. Narcissists are similarly
attracted to someone who's slightly out of reach, for this eases
engulfment concerns (more about this, a bit further down). The
search for a partner who's able to magically surmount
this issue may continue for a lifetime--as the "right one"
virtually impossible for the Narcissist to accept that his BPD
lover has no real capacity for love, as during the 'good times,'
he's felt jubilant, calm and at peace. To begin questioning these
feelings, triggers significantly painful inner conflict--for this
challenges long-held definitions of love, and what it's
supposed to feel like! Attachment difficulties in childhood strongly
influence this struggle, as he had no suitable frame of reference
in infancy or boyhood for consistent, nourishing attention, mirroring
and affection. Any crumbs of nurturance he got from his parents,
solidified his sense that he was valued by them--but these episodes
were miniscule/brief compared to their neglect or abuse. This
early pattern has set the stage for his obsessional
attraction to a borderline disordered individual, as he can't
painfully yearn for someone who's consistently present
and available! It has also impaired his self-worth.
is critical to accept that if a Borderline partner becomes healthier
assistance, there will be considerably less chaos and conflict
in this coupling, which can prompt sensations of deadness or discontent
in the narcissistic partner. He thrives on stimulation
(either pleasurable or painful) that triggers feelings of aliveness
he can't produce for himself. At this point, he may feel the need
to look outside their relationship for more excitement, or behave
in ways that create disharmony between them. What this means is,
the Borderline is damned if she doesn't get well, and damned if
she does, for she may no longer be able to hold her lover's attention.
A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE--NO, IT'S SUPERMAN!
wounds to one's narcissism, breeds narcissistic adults. If a child
had to shut down his needs and difficult feelings in order to
survive the rigors of his painful childhood experiences, he may
have acquired a sense of invincibility, and assumed he could handle
anything that came up. This was his
defense against feeling vulnerable or fragile. These 'weaker'
sensations can often lay dormant for many years, until he joins
with a Borderline who reawakens the excruciating anguish he learned
to put aside or adjust to as a little kid.
core shame that's invoked in him during these times, is monumental.
He remembers how powerful, in-control and popular he was before
he started up with the Borderline and his world began to collapse.
He cannot reconcile his current (dispicable) frailty with the
entrenched Superman persona he erected in boyhood--and
it causes him a deep sense of despair, embarrassment and frustration.
Self-worth repair within core trauma work can help him, but it's
like 'boot camp' for the soul. Few will make the effort to heal
and grow past the grandiose false-self, which was constructed
THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS WE'VE GOTTEN OURSELVES INTO.
chameleon's coloring will change according to its surrounding
environment; this reptile's protective camouflage helps it capture
its prey, and hide from natural predators. Borderline personalities
are chameleon-like--they'll quickly discern what's important to
you, and become that, in the early phase of your relationship.
Most of us have been seeking this sort of romantic congruency
our entire life. To even get close to finding it, can
seem like a miracle! The trouble is, as soon as this guy or gal
senses that they've captured you, their normal colors
return--and you're dealing with a different sort of creature.
molting process of reptiles involves shedding their skin to accommodate
growth--it's like outgrowing a Tee-shirt you wore as a child.
Sadly, personal growth is threatening to Borderlines, and underneath
their perfectly adoring veneer is the dark side they've hidden
from you, just long enough to get you hooked. Once you're really
theirs, this part emerges--and you spend the rest of your time
in this dance trying to figure it all out, and reconnect with
that person you fell for initially.
watched this happen with a BPD colleague, who married her lover
only six months after meeting him. On the eve of their wedding,
I'm sure he believed he'd finally found the pot of gold at the
end of his rainbow, in this perfectly adoring female.
Then it changed, and got pretty ugly. I think she'll kill him.
TAMING OF THE SCREW
Borderline's captivating allure is nearly impossible to ignore--particularly
for a man in mid-life. Long term marriages are
often destroyed in the midst of affairs with considerably younger
women who've enlivened the Narcissist's sense of grandiosity,
along with his penis. Erectile dysfunction is generally blamed
on the wife of many years--when it's actually just a symptom of
pre-existing intimacy issues, that have reached critical mass.
I think of ED more as Emotional Dysfunction, than any problems
with male physiology.
In most instances, this is a psychic/emotional issue--not
a physical one.
male places himself in a double-bind, when he attributes his organ's
enthusiastic response to the female who's awakened it from a deep
slumber. Initially, some magical thinking presumes that she's
responsible for his newfound sexual prowess--and as such, they're
meant to sail off into the sunset together. Before long though,
all this power he assigns to her is a bit intimidating. A
Narcissist may need to be needed, but he can't allow himself to
need anyone. Sexual dependency on someone
brings up deep fears about loss of love and control,
and here's where his distancing maneuvers can kick in.
This is not consciously held by the Narcissist--it's just an archaic
defense mechanism, that helps him maintain his emotional equilibrium.
healthy, whole woman might be disappointed to miss out on a phone
call from her lover the morning after an especially close/loving
evening--but the borderline-disordered female interprets
the most subtle signs of neglect, as loss of love and affection.
Her abandonment fears are instantly triggered. In self-defense,
she shuts down, rages or takes herself away. The Borderline's
been poised for this to happen anyhow (due to losses in childhood),
so she'll imagine abandoning behaviors, even when/where
the self-protective defenses begin, as neither partner wants to
venture too far out on this limb, for fear of falling from their
love nest of infatuation. This mutually held anxiety can inhibit
genuine expressions of caring from the Narcissist, while triggering
frantic, premature declarations of "love" from the Borderline.
Like a small child, her emotional responses are unboundaried and
irrepressible. The toxic shame that's catalyzed when her impulsivity
(in love) isn't reciprocated, is intolerable--so she shames her
partner via projections.
may be the glue holding these two together, while their respective
need for autonomy is motivated by fear about getting too close.
This ambivalence automatically sets off a series of controlling
behaviors within each, for being physically and emotionally
naked with someone, means feeling too exposed and vulnerable;
"what if he/she sees the real me, and leaves?"
in the Borderline is an intricate issue. On one hand, she uses
it to escape her numbness and emptiness. On the other, she believes
that she can control lovers in this way. This facet is
magnified when there's been incest or sexual molestation during
her childhood, because she was made to feel 'special' by accommodating/catering
to an adult's prurient appetites. Her self-worth is inextricably
linked to performance and will continue--especially with
rebound (or auxiliary) lovers who are struck by its exciting novelty.
This issue was at one time, referred to as Nymphomania.
is fairly common among male and female Borderlines.
could be sexually intoxicating--but that's generally because it
isn't 'safe' (or possible) to connect in other domains of this
relationship. In short, all that energy gets funneled--and flows
wherever and however it can. Even fighting can
become a couple's only means of connecting.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT . . .
individuals are frequently People
Pleasers, which means they're passive-aggressive. They're
more comfortable giving rather than receiving in relationships,
which is part of a control issue they adopted during childhood,
in response to parental neglect. In couplings, the one who needs
the least, is always the one in power--and the Borderline's
needs usually far outweigh those of her partner. The Borderline
is like a little child when it comes to impulse control and asserting
wants/needs, so she's the active partner in this dynamic.
The Narcissist has never really felt worthy of having
needs, so he suppresses them; he's the passive partner.
Somebody must be willing to carry the emotions
for this relationship, so that typically falls to the active partner--or
the Borderline. She'll keep pushing the envelope until she gets
a rise out of her partner. She literally thrives on drama and
chaos, but rebels like a three year old, when he takes a stand--even
though she requires the containment and comfort that
boundaries and limits provide.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON MUTUAL NEED.
Borderline needs the qualities in you, that are lacking in herself;
honesty, dependability, strength of character, etc. She possesses
an uncanny ability for finding men who've built stable, flourishing
lifestyles (whether married or not), but who have insecurities
and self-doubts left over from boyhood. The Borderline methodically
goes about finding out where your vulnerabilities are buried;
when she discovers what's behind your props, she cleverly
uses your weaknesses against you, for her own advancement/gain.
Decades ago, these women were referred to as gold-diggers or home-wreckers.
The male version was a Gigolo or Casanova
who took sexual/emotional advantage of females, and/or robbed
a Borderline encounters a successful, charismatic Narcissist,
she sees power in him, and security/comfort for herself. Since
she has never really felt protected in her world, this male is
perceived as her ticket to safety. He may never have felt especially
attractive or worthy of attention from a girl who's a
real 'traffic stopper'--so he's flattered out of his pants by
the Borderline's seductive pursuit. His grandiose false-self has
craved this type of attention his whole life--even though he's
never felt deserving of it. Thus begins their dance, which replicates
an intoxicating pattern that neither can resist.
on a Borderline's level of emotional desperation, she may not
choose men who've attained significant acclaim, stability or success.
Abandonment fears always influence partner selection, and are
key to these attractions. Essentially,
the greater your need is for this female (sexually, emotionally,
psychologically or financially), the more easily she can keep
the upper-hand and control you--and it's always
about control for the Borderline.
been raised by narcissistic people who couldn't respond to her
needs for consistent mirroring and affection, the Borderline feels
at home when she locates a partner who initially showers
her with adoration--but then retreats, or finds fault with her.
Girlhood longing for love was associated
with pain, so she's programmed to keep striving
for that which cannot be satisfied. Each disruption of
loving attention reactivates her core despair, so she settles
for scraps of love, that echo her early conditioning.
A lover who's more available or responsive, doesn't fit this paradigm--or
inspire her passionate response.
impossible to avoid personalizing the Borderline's abusive
behavior--but her rage isn't about you. It's misdirected
feelings of disappointment, anger and hurt she's stored for a
lifetime--and couldn't express to Mom or Dad.
QUEENS AND PERFECT LITTLE PRINCES
narcissistically injured male continually seeks females who can
perfectly mirror his attributes and qualities--and whom in some
manner, need him. He then gets to assuage his abandonment
concerns--but the flip-side of being needed, is being
engulfed. The Borderline can initially smother/suffocate her prey
with attention that causes him to retreat or distance, because
while it's flattering, and mitigates his abandonment
fears--it triggers vaguely familiar sensations of engulfment
he had to endure in boyhood, with Mother.
constant challenge then, is staying close without being swallowed-up
by the Borderline's needy, clingy, demanding nature. This challenge
is lessened of course, by the Borderline's continuous pattern
of seduction and retreat. In this way, the Narcissist's fear of
engulfment/too much closeness, becomes a non-issue. If
he were truly emotionally available, he could not tolerate these
erratic, come here/go away patterns--and would seek a female who
is more consistently responsive to him and his needs (past the
this male's mother had BPD
Waif features, he grew up having to meet her needs
for attention, mirroring, flattery, emotional soothing, etc. She
could have made him her confidant in adult matters--especially
concerning issues with his dad. A little boy is overburdened by
these complaints, and doesn't relish this role--but at the same
time, all this special attention from Mother imbues him with a
sense of value/importance--which forms the core
of his self-worth. Her awareness of his needs is painfully
limited, so he welcomes this 'surrogate husband' job, which (at
least) provides vicarious satisfaction. This sets him
up for codependent relationships in his adult world, for being
needed was his only way of replenishing any viable self-image,
and escaping shameful feelings connected to disappointing
and engulfment concerns resulting from this type of dynamic, are
then transferred onto all later attachments. There's an automatic
reflex that comes into play with a mother-enmeshed man. Sensations
of closeness are entwined with loss of Self.
Thus, his inner narrative becomes; "if I get too close
to you, I'll have to relinquish too much of me." Commitment
has gotten confused with engulfment,
which means having to give up important needs and freedoms. Hence,
profound control issues have evolved, and he'll only choose females
with whom he thinks he can maintain the upper hand. A
needy, BPD female perfectly fits this paradigm--at least at the
onset. Any man who persistently chooses borderline disordered
women, has attachment fears that run as deep as those of the females
contemplate leaving a Borderline presents significant
inner struggles, for not only is the Narcissist enmeshed,
he's terrified of potential ramifications his departure might
catalyze. He's all too familiar with her acute instability, and
frightened that she'll either bring great harm to herself--or
to him. Some men have described suicide and/or murder threats
and attempts, trumped-up domestic violence charges, stalking,
vandalism to their property, etc., when they've tried to flee
these tormenting relationships. The tragic reality is, it's often
easier to remain, than to leave--but this can spawn risks to his
health, his livelihood, his family ties, and all other associations.
Leaving triggers his guilt as well, which is an old remnant
from childhood individuation
THE TWIG IS BENT . . .
mother of a Narcissist could make her son feel that he is the
center of her universe. He is the Golden Boy
who can do no wrong--but only when he's perfectly responsive
to her demands and wishes! A couple of problems arise here; she's
imbedded and fueled his grandiosity--even though he's unable to
discern why he's so "special," but has simultaneously
implanted self-esteem issues, which surface when he experiences
himself as flawed or imperfect. A borderline lover always reconstitutes
this early confusion and wounding, with her push-pull emotional
gymnastics. Intermittant episodes of adoration and abandonment
revive familiar patterns from boyhood, that he has normalized.
This keeps him striving for continuity of affection which is unattainable--but
bored/uncomfortable with any female who can provide loving
Borderline Waif mother makes certain her son knows that she could
not survive without him, and that he is the guardian of (both)
her pleasure and pain. These early dynamics set him up for very
specific relational patterns in adulthood, which have driven him
into the arms of needy/clingy Borderlines. On a subconscious level,
his valiant efforts to save her and fortify self-worth (despite
all her loving and abandoning behaviors), replicate
his boyhood blueprint for attachment.
a male was raised by a Queen or Witch-type Borderline, he'll be
drawn to women with similar traits or characteristics, who will
retraumatize him. It's also possible that he might select a female
who's relatively devoid of those features, and with whom
he can access more empowerment and autonomy, than he could as
a child. These needs can propel him toward someone with waif traits--but
even the Waif must exert control over her partners.
raised by borderline disordered mothers frequently adopt and retain
BPD features, due to an inability to trust and forge close, intimate
bonds during boyhood. This has them persistently choosing relationships
with women who are poorly equipped to meet their needs for connection
and closeness, and turning away from those who are able to offer
genuine love and caring. They might fantasize that a female will
come along who can magically break down their attachment avoidance--but
this fantasy won't be realized, unless they engage core trauma
help. Even then, their defenses could remain entrenched and implacable.
males generally cannot commit to esteem-building work, until their
'props' have vanished--meaning, they've lost their fortunes and
good health, after involvement with a Borderline. At this point,
their defenses are lowered, and we have a chance to construct
a Man from a broken little boy.
inner work can invoke feelings of needing the therapist,
which instantly produce anxiety. This catalyzes his reflex to
sabotage that relationship with 'tests'
he suspects may result in abandonment. If this occurs, his entrenched
belief that anyone who could have value/importance to him will
let him down or leave, becomes prophesy fulfillment.
Sadly, this reflex keeps real love at bay--and he'll
continue to dabble with Borderlines (and clinicians)
who have no actual capacity to meet his intrinsic needs.
WILL I BE LOVED?
Borderline's needs were severely neglected in infancy and childhood,
which left her with painful self-worth issues. She may have only
received praise for her looks, or being the "perfect"
little girl, and this became the basis of her self-esteem.
Sadly, her mother may have been envious of the attention she got,
and jealous of the connection she shared with her father--or any
male, for that matter. Thus began a steady erosion of her sense
of Self, especially when it threatened the mother's sense
of worth. Borderline mothers usually detest other females. First,
they view them as threats--and second, there's such primal
rage left over from infancy deficits with their
mom, this hatred is transferred onto all other women. For the
Borderline, even miniscule hurts or disappointments can
mean fatal ruptures to solid, nourishing relationships of any
saw a TV advertisement one day, for a 'Little Miss Perfect' beauty
pageant. I must tell you, I felt nauseated and heartsick at seeing
these little girls in adult costumes and full makeup, and I thought;
these are the Borderlines of tomorrow! We're aghast when
one of these children is abducted, raped and killed--but in my
view, a society that sanctions these contests is demented.
Borderline's perfectionism can drive endless plastic surgery procedures,
which may begin earlier, rather than later in life. Her inner
pain, emptiness and self-loathing dramatically distort how she
views her physical being--and she believes that if she fixes all
her (imagined) external flaws, she can feel happy and lovable.
She could also invest in body ornamentation like tattoos, piercings,
jeweled implants, etc., that temporarily ease her self-hatred
and dysphoria. An endorphin rush is triggered by these painful
procedures, which is part of their appeal--very much like self-cutting
or burning, distracts from (and temporarily assuages)
unresolved rage issues toward Mother, can catalyze a Borderline's
detachment from any/all aspects of femininity within the Self,
and spawn bi- or homosexuality,
transvestism or transgenderism and sexual reassignment surgeries.
She may continue searching for an external solution to
her despair and dissatisfaction--but happiness is an inside
job. With each attachment to a new female, her hope for healing
the mother-wound is revived. Sadly, few partners are equipped
to provide this soothing, and a Borderline will usually triangulate
relationships with partners who are--for an available/responsive
lover doesn't trigger dramatically intense sensations associated
with longing for a parent's love, that was unrequited
Borderline continuously searches for affection, acceptance and
approval, due to extreme deficits in childhood. Her needs for
closeness and emotional safety overwhelm her--but while she might
seek these elements in a male, she's really looking to
mend her primal wounds from infancy. These profound needs are
onto romantic partners--but as she begins to feel that they can
actually be responded to, deeply entrenched abandonment terror
is invoked. This reaction is automatic and reflexive--and so is
her retreat. Does this perpetual no-win cycle ever end? Not without
LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT . . .
their partner, the Borderline's behaviors seem counterintuitive,
and I get questions about this all the time; "If they're
so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?"
Here's my analogy: If you've chosen never to go through a divorce
because you've seen the destruction it's wreaked in others lives--wouldn't
you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified
of abandonment. He/she doesn't allow themselves to attach,
for fear of the annihilating pain that could follow if they do!
You will never change this.
Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well
enough--but she'll push you away, the instant that you do! Quite
literally, you're damned when you adore the Borderline,
and damned when you don't. This is totally confounding,
and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which
cannot be gratified. This lack of reciprocation in loving reactivates
childhood wounding, and it's highly
toxic to you.
you've grown up gaining a sense of worth
from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent's needs,
and backing that up with rescuing or fixing impulses in adulthood,
you're pretty confident you'll turn this deal around--if you
just keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner,
all will be right in your world. After all, you've accomplished
other great feats, and this will prove no different,
right? Wrong. This is your narcissistic
injury talking, and it's needing to be healed. Core issues
that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating.