EXPECTING
A BABY?
(Things your dad NEVER told you about becoming a new father!)
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
As
you and your spouse eagerly anticipate your first baby's arrival and
think how wonderful it'll be when the two of you finally expand to
three, there are some things you should know, when heading into this
joyous occasion. Most of the information you may have already
been exposed to on this topic, deals with adjustments concerning interrupted
sleep schedules, finding yourself homebound because of the baby, having
to refocus your entire existence around this completely dependent
little being, and generally, feeling like your life is no longer your
own. Think you're prepared? Hang on--there's more.
While childbirth and the early stages of mothering are difficult and
challenging for women, they're especially trying
for men in significantly different ways. For the first time in your
marital relationship, your 'husband needs' are usurped by the baby's
needs, which are far more crucial and immediate. After all, as an
adult, you can fend for yourself--but your baby will be relatively
helpless for the first few years of his or her life. Because of this,
not only will you and your wife find yourselves back-burnering your
personal desires and needs, certain fundamentals you've probably come
to count on in your relationship (like SEX) may not
be available to you for quite awhile.
An emotionally healthy woman's natural mothering instincts come into
play when she has given birth, and this is always supported by significant
changes in hormone balance. Her first, and most primal impulse is
to insure the survival and well-being of her newborn, and virtually
everything else is secondary to this aim. Throughout this period,
a new father generally finds himself at odds or loose ends, as he
begins to notice a decline in the loving attention he's come to anticipate
within his marriage. Often, his needs for physical and emotional connection
are not being responded to--and in their absence, frustration, depression
and resentment can begin to build. In short, he has the sense of having
lost his lover.
A man who encounters a loss of romantic connection within his marriage
can experience varying degrees of anxiety, dread and grief that make
him feel trapped in an emotional quandary. If his personal
integrity has him reluctant to consider, much less attempt to get
these needs met elsewhere, his conflict can feel monumental. In the
absence of having his desirability mirrored, along with an inability
to access and engage in a satisfying sensual/sexual outlet, a new
father can experience a deep sense of disengagement and sadness. When
this kind of inner turmoil is triggered, it invites conflict
in an already highly stressed environment
characterized by numerous other adjustments.
HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: In most instances,
your wife is not withholding sex because she
wants to. She's temporarily experiencing a complete absence
of erotic desire, over which she has no control. This is
due to dramatically altered hormone levels, and her body's need to
physically heal and adjust, after giving birth. The unfortunate truth
is, she's incapable of responding to your
overtures, your efforts to seduce her, or even, your pleadings and
tantrums. Her lack of sexual interest can have her feeling like she's
living inside someone else's body, which undoubtedly seems
foreign and uncomfortable for you both! It may take up to a year
or more before the woman you fell in love
with can fully return, and want to resume the sensual and
erotic play you've mutually enjoyed before the baby arrived.
Your
wife is trying to adapt to the considerable demands of her new role
as a mother, as well as constant exhaustion and accompanying
concerns she may have, about not desiring
sexual contact. It's not unusual for her to experience a nagging awareness
that she's not taking "good enough" care of you.
This is exacerbated, when you begin to exert pressure of any kind
on her to respond to your need for physical and/or emotional closeness.
She's already feeling overwhelmed because of psychological and emotional
shifts due to hormonal influence, and is
doing her best to accommodate all of these changes. Your needs
(which you're fully entitled to, incidentally) lie beyond what she's
equipped to handle at this juncture. Given that she's grappling with
her own needs, the baby's requirements and external pressure from
you (no matter how subtle) she can feel resentment and a
need to retreat/withdraw, in order to cope. This
could leave you feeling neglected, angry and jealous of
your new baby, even if you believe it's "wrong"
to have these reactions!
WHAT
YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: Do your best to talk with each other
as sensitively and openly as possible about your feelings
during this time of adjustment. As an option to enhancing this process,
you might engage the services of a counselor or therapist who's
capable of helping you learn new communication skills and interim
(physical) techniques that will help ease the tensions in your relationship.
This should increase opportunities for the two of you to reconnect
in ways that feel loving, nourishing and satisfying
for you both. The object is to move toward a win/win
situation, and restore intimacy during this challenging time. What
you must remember, is that neither of you is wrong.
When you begin to discover more about each other's feelings and
perspectives through enhanced communication, you can each start
to access more empathy toward your partner's predicament.
You both have special needs at this time--and (so far)
you haven't a roadmap to follow, for meeting them! This is an extremely
common struggle for first time parents, but far less difficult with
a little help.
AN IMPORTANT INSIGHT: Under these circumstances,
loss of connection within an intimate partnership can feel especially
difficult for men, because it can reactivate issues they might carry
from infancy and boyhood. Along with this, harsh self-judgment about
"negative" feelings toward the baby, can prompt a need
to repress these emotions
(which gives them even more power). In short, this current
experience can trigger unresolved abandonment
wounds that have previously lain dormant, but may (now) amplify
reactivity to whatever frustrations already exist.
Men may adopt coping strategies, like working longer hours, overeating,
having affairs, abusing alcohol or drugs, etc. to lessen their impulse
to react aggressively to these new circumstances.
Childhood wounds have subtly influenced every choice we've made
throughout the course of our lives (including mate selection), and
they can make it harder to manage this life transition.
A bit of sensitive guidance and support can make an enormous
difference, as to how well you navigate this period together.
Ideally,
this baby will bring opportunities for deeper insight and expansion
within yourselves, and your bond as a couple. A little exploration
can lead to important growth, healing and enhancement to your capabilities
as parents and committed lovers. Best of luck, and congratulations!
[It's
crucial to note (particularly in light
of recent media events) that Post-partum Depression
is a serious clinical issue, and should be responded to as such!
Changes in hormone levels impact brain chemicals that determine
mood, and this must be addressed and treated medically.
If there's been a persistent lack of loving contact in your marriage
before or after the baby arrives, or your relationship
has felt mostly unstable/volatile, it's important you read this
article!]
If
you're seeking help with this issue or have unanswered questions--or
your group/organization would like me to speak on this topic, feel
free to contact
me.
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2008, Shari Schreiber, M.A. All Rights Reserved.