AT ANY
COST:
Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.
By Shari Schreiber,
M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com
You're
hurting. You've never felt this excruciating pain before, and you
need it to stop. Perhaps she's left you for another--or
just abruptly left, and this terrible lack of closure has
you confounded. You're constantly replaying each moment of this
relationship in your mind, to comprehend why she's suddenly
gone--and you keep blaming yourself. It's hard to make
sense of these awful feelings, because there could have been times
you thought of leaving--but you've patiently
hung on, hoping it would get better. Your emotional roller-coaster
ride has finally ended, but all you can think about is
having her back.
When
you're involved with a borderline disordered female,
you feel fantastic when things are “good” between you, and miserable
when they're not. You might think of
her like a drug you can’t live without, because you've felt alive
and buoyant when she was attentive, available and loving, and tortured
and empty when she was indifferent, detached or cruel.
During frequent breakups or periods of distancing, you may have
desperately longed for her return, and resorted to elaborate means
to re-engage her.
In
the wake of this involvement, you're probably obsessing
about what she's feeling or doing, who she's screwing, and wondering
if she's thinking at all about you. Your emotionally treacherous
dance with a borderline girlfriend or wife may be over--but if your
feelings of regret, shame and emptiness are so unbearable, that
you need her back at any cost, this was
written for You.
Every
man's ego takes a jab when a woman leaves--but a Borderline
leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed, castrated, unlovable, emasculated,
worthless, etc. You start believing that if she returns, you'll
be able to get rid of these horrible sensations, and feel okay again.
Once in awhile, your rational mind recalls the torment
of that affair, and you're not certain you want that part
of it again--but anything must be better than this!
This
conflict between what you need and want, confuses and intensifies
your struggle, because you're hopelessly trapped in yearning for
a woman you've sensed isn't healthy for you! Your ambivalence
is completely normal--but it adds to your feelings of shame
about being out of control and a little 'crazy.' There's a ridiculously
simple explanation for all this; you've been trying to have a functional
relationship with a dysfunctional female.
Heaven
knows,
you're not perfect--but you've overlooked an awful lot, just to
keep this woman caring enough to stick around. There have
been times that taking care of her feelings and needs was
a full time job--but you've gladly taken it on, and tirelessly kept
trying to get a few crumbs of loving attention along the way. If
you disappointed or let her down in any manner, the character assaults
and twisted perceptions of you as an inconsiderate or "selfish"
man, made you feel just terrible about yourself. These
comments usually came on the heels of the good times, so
you began to believe them, which made you try even
harder to please her!
Borderlines
can leave solid, long-term attachments/marriages very suddenly.
You'll be feeling shocked and bewildered by this--particularly when
she cites frustrations or problems you were never made aware of,
to justify her abrupt departure. You might vacillate between
numbness and tormenting confusion, but what's even worse, is she'll
have you thinking you're responsible for this outcome!
When you've done virtually everything
to keep her satisfied and happy throughout this relationship (which
has included putting your personal needs and desires aside to accommodate
hers), you're left only with a sense of sheer exhaustion,
painful craving and deep betrayal.
Borderlines
are narcissistic--but you've also observed other problems,
like; desperate attempts to gain attention, intense/irrational abandonment
fears, lack of empathy, extreme jealousy, lying, poor impulse control,
extramarital affairs, drug/alcohol abuse, hypersexuality, 'crazy-making'
interactions, low self-esteem, rebound relationships, passive-aggression,
cognitive distortion, self-harming behaviors, eating disorders,
suicidal ideation, stalking, etc.
You
might have perceived a bit of 'craziness' early on, when she'd become
disproportionately volatile about minor issues that were
troublesome to her. When she shared stories about (vilified) former
boyfriends or lovers, you felt honored to be privy to these intimate
revelations, while assuring yourself it would be different with
you; why not--you're one of the 'good
guys!' During these storytellings, you were made to feel exceptional,
heroic and uniquely unlike all the others. The way she
hung on your every word, gazed into your eyes, touched you and wanted
you, was beyond anything you'd experienced before--and you felt
privileged to have found her. In short, you were on
top of the world, and could never have imagined falling off.
If
you've dabbled in drugs, loving a Borderline is like chasing after
your first hit of Cocaine, and trying to recapture that initial
'rush' the rest of the night. In the early stages
of this relationship (the honeymoon), you felt hopelessly captivated,
and intrigued with her intensity. A novel sense of contentment,
wholeness or 'finally arriving,' became part of your everyday experience.
The sensations she engendered in you, had only existed in vague
fantasies--no matter how many close encounters
there had been with other females. This might be the first time
you'd gotten really intimate with someone, and felt like you were
worthy of such a prize--especially if you struggled with
self-esteem issues, earlier in life.
Self-worth
difficulties could have drawn you to this type of woman, and kept
you ensnared beyond all instinct and reason. They could have allowed
you to tolerate/accept her abusive or distancing behaviors, way
beyond what you've known was reasonable or right for you.
She's irresistibly seductive, and may be the most exquisitely beautiful
creature you have ever been with--so any notion of walking away
when the going got tough, seemed inconceivable. If you're relatively
inexperienced in the realm of ongoing, intimate relations, you might
naturally assume "all women are like that," but
they're not!
Your
Borderline might have been so insecure and needy, you felt reasonably
certain she would never leave you--but at times, secretly
hoped she would. Her physical ailments inspired your sympathy and
determination to protect her, but you often marveled at how someone
so young could be so sickly! For the most part, your relationship
moved along pretty smoothly, until you tried to express
any real concerns or needs. The Borderline Waif can't handle that--after
all, it's clearly been your job
to take care of her. The minute you had a need,
she either made you wrong for it, punished you or left.
Having
a serious adult conversation with a Borderline, is like trying to
get a three year old to comprehend, and rationally respond
to the issues at hand. Just when you've worked up the courage to
approach a sensitive topic, she deftly diverts the dialogue
by starting a fight, or accusing you of not loving her, caring about
her feelings, wanting her, etc. At this point, tremendous time and
energy is spent consoling/reassuring her, and reinforcing how much
you really care! The inevitable upshot? Your original concern is
successfully deflected, and any hope for resolution is
abandoned.
Regardless
of how proficient or successful she is in her professional
sphere, issues of an emotional nature make you feel like you're
dealing with a little girl, who's living inside a woman's body--and
this continually perplexes you! Just know that your perceptions
are extremely accurate, and developmental arrest is the
culprit behind this odd incongruency.
Giving
love and affection to a Borderline is like trying to fill a well
that has a huge fracture at the bottom; she simply can't hold it.
In truth, you've had to constantly assure her of your devotion all
along--but no matter how much you have, she just can't seem to integrate
it. A three year old sees his/her world in a black or white sort
of way. They think that you either love them or hate them, based
on your facial expressions, tone of voice and behaviors. As they
haven't yet developed the capacity for mood regulation, they'll
react to the slightest frustration or disappointment, by hating
you! As soon as their immediate upset passes, they revert to loving
you again. Their feelings and perceptions of you can shift on a
dime; within the vernacular of borderline pathology,
this love you/hate you phenomenon is referred to as 'splitting.'
I'm
now going to debunk some myths about Borderlines.
First, they will not all behave identically. You might
presume that certain patterns you've heard or read about can be
anticipated with every Borderline--but it just isn't true.
For one; after an upset or breakup, her return is not chiseled
in stone! It's likely she'll come around when she wants or needs
something from you, but this is only when it suits her--which
could take weeks, months or years.
Second,
Borderlines can make tangible progress with solid therapeutic
help, but you may have a better shot at flying to the moon strapped
to a banana, than keeping them in treatment long enough, to accomplish
any real growth or healing. Don't forget--they're terrified of attaching,
and relying on anyone for their care. They'll act-out by
devaluing the therapist, acting belligerent or picking fights, being
non-compliant and/or seductive, missing appointments, lying, etc.,
in effort to control the therapeutic relationship.
Third,
no matter how much you try to please her or love her better,
you're in for a rocky ride. Borderlines can be attracted to narcissistic
or abusive men, because of poor self-image and attachment fears:
What could be safer, than trying to get someone to love
you, who's incapable of loving? The more you demonstrate that she's
lovable, the more disdain she feels toward you. It's kind of like
that old saying; "I wouldn't want to join a club that would
have me as a member," holds true here. You can't be someone
you're not, just to keep this woman interested in you--but your
need to be who she needs you to be, is
deeply rooted in
boyhood.
Fourth,
when you're imagining that she's feeling exactly like you
are, stop it! There are times you'll show up on her radar, and times
you won't--no matter how much history you've shared. An
individual who lives with psychosis does not have the same
feelings or emotional responses as you. To presume that they do,
is unrealistic thinking, narcissistic and potentially very dangerous.
Fifth,
if you're thinking you need her to suffer like you have--and
that being seen with someone new will make her want you
again, watch your back! This is an extremely hazardous game you're
about to play, regardless of whether or not she's left
you for a rebound relationship. Dating a new woman? Keep a low profile,
and put your car in the garage! Is this fair? No, but it's safer.
Sixth,
if you're reflexively making yourself "wrong"
for conjuring up all sorts of terrible fates befalling her, ease-up
on yourself. Your anger is appropriate under these circumstances,
and it's an activating emotion--which gives you
temporary respite from this dreadful depression. Rage is a normal
aspect of your healing process, but try to hold these feelings without
self-judgement, rather than acting on them (unless
you wanna do some push-ups). In other words, express this energy
in ways that won't harm you or anyone else!
Seventh,
if she calls or "checks in" to see how you're doing in
the aftermath of this relationship, it's never
about you! Your needs didn't matter while she was with
you, and they don't matter now. You may feel grateful she seems
to care enough to keep the connection alive--but her sole purpose
is keeping you around to meet her needs (no matter
what she says to the contrary). A three year old hasn't
developed any capacity for empathy (that comes much later on), so
don't presume that she's calling for your sake.
Eighth,
no matter who left whom, emotional cut-off is second nature
to this woman. It's natural for you to wonder if she ever really
loved you, or meant the things she said while you were together--particularly
if she's diminishing you or your importance to her, now.
Was she "faking it?" No, but you must understand,
this is part of that splitting reflex described above,
and just one of the survival tools she's carried since infancy.
You cannot fix this.
Ninth,
the minute you make contact with her, you're giving away
your power. No matter what you think you need to say to
this female, these dialogues will leave you feeling worse,
not better. You may compulsively replay these conversations in your
head afterwards, and think you did a really good job--but it won't
be long before you're doubting it, and torturing yourself. Do not
intercept her calls; if you decide to return them, do it
when you're feeling more centered, and it's easy/convenient for
you. Don't reply to any emails or text messages,
and do not respond to her "emergencies!" It won't
win her back, or make her think more highly of you.
Tenth,
Borderlines don't change, because they don't have to! Her
great looks and captivating charms continually allow her to seduce
men, which feeds her narcissism. Your ego's taken a serious beating,
so you probably can't believe this right now--but you deserve better.
Eleventh,
if you're fairly certain she's rebounding with someone
who's better looking, wealthier, brighter, taller, more loving,
etc., in most instances, this is a totally
erroneous assumption! It's unlikely you'll accept this at present,
but she's more prone to choosing an easier mark the next
time around--even if it's a fellow who feels stuck in an unfulfilling
marriage. In truth, most men are utterly shocked
when they finally discover who she's deserted them for. This
relentless preoccupation with who the other guy
is, taps into childhood deficits that undermined your self-worth.
If you grew up with a dad who was narcissistic, tyrannical, weak/sickly--or
wasn't around much, there's a strong likelihood that his
needs superceded yours--at least, where your mom
was concerned. In short, you've had to compete for a woman's
attention and love your entire life. It is this aspect
that allows you to take her back, after each sexual betrayal with
another man--regardless of how castrating it feels.
Twelfth,
stop assuming that this female is the keeper
of your pleasure and pain! You are the sole proprietor of these
emotions and sensations; in short, they belong entirely
to you, not to her. You may be inclined to credit her for bringing
these intense feelings into your life, but they've been inside you
all along, since you were born--she's simply awakened them.
Thirteenth,
and perhaps most important: There will be moments
of rationale or lucidity with this gal--both while you're
with her, and after the break-up. These episodes have insidiously
kept you in this destructive relationship, by fueling your
capacity to overlook, trivialize or normalize abnormal
behaviors.
Fourteenth,
Borderlines lacked a healthy symbiotic bond in infancy with their
birth mothers, which is the core of this difficulty.
You may have sensed that she's wanted/needed you to be a mind
reader or Mommy, when these primal needs got displaced
onto you--but no male on God's green earth is equipped
to take on these roles, or heal the archaic issues that
drive her demands.
Hundreds
of men have asked me why Borderlines are "so darned seductive."
Are you by any chance, a fisherman? Have you ever experienced a
time when you've been successful at fishing, without
baiting the hook?
Given
that most
Borderlines are exceptionally bright, they're usually capable of
convincing you that it's your fault or shortcoming,
which has ruptured this relationship. Did you ever buy into this--even
when overwhelming evidence was stacked against her argument, and
you were unequivocally certain she was wrong? Her brilliant (but
twisted) logic and verbal dexterity could distort facts and details,
to where her perceptions often made sense--even
if she completely contradicted herself, from one day to
the next! You might have doubted yourself at these times, and questioned
if you were going insane. These feelings
were directly related to spending time with someone whose
psychological/emotional balance was very unstable, to say the least.
Once
she's kicked you out or you've managed to leave, her attempts to
lure you back again, could become pitifully desperate/hysterical--she
might even threaten to kill herself, if
you don't return! This is the ultimate
emotional blackmail, which could be used to influence your behavior--but
resist feeling flattered. These frantic measures are very primitive
reflexes that are being triggered by overwhelming needs,
which have nothing to do with you! If your chaos
has reached this point, urge her to see a mental health professional.
Borderlines
have been torturing men, probably since time began. If you're a
fan of 'oldies' music, you might remember this song from the late
sixties; Build Me Up Buttercup, by The
Foundations. It was upbeat and fun, but the lyrics say
it all. It could cheer you a bit, so take a moment and listen
(just hit the 'back' button on your internet browser afterward,
to return here).
Certain traits or common denominators are present in males who attach
to Borderlines. These are typically People Pleaser types
who have rescuing or fixing compulsions, self-esteem difficulties
from childhood, intimacy issues, engulfment concerns, poor self-image,
dysthymia (chronic/long-standing mild to moderate depression), etc.
Foundational problems of this kind leave men vulnerable to being
seduced and manipulated by these women. You may be extremely accomplished
and successful--but the Borderline will methodically learn what's
underneath the props, and use your most intimate secrets
and self-doubts against you.
Every
male who has attached to a Borderline has great difficulty accepting
that he's loved someone who has psychotic characteristics--no matter
how pronounced her disturbing behaviors have been. They
all compulsively want "unequivocal proof" that this woman
is crazy, or even dangerously unstable. Resistence is understandable,
as acceptance involves confronting intricate layers of conflict
within one's own psyche. The most prominent piece of this emotional
lasagna is shame. Entrenched denial of borderline
pathology allows a man to side-step asking himself, "if
I'm hopelessly enamored with an individual who isn't healthy or
sane, what's wrong with me?" This shame
response is a leftover from childhood, that inspired his need to
normalize bizarre behaviors while in the relationship,
rather than recognizing them as aberrant, and getting the hell out!
The roots of this attraction are deep and started so early in life,
that it's almost impossible to avoid the Borderline's noxious allure.
Certain men's boyhoods were punctuated by disturbing or painful
experiences that left behind a relational blueprint that has strongly
influenced self-worth and partner selection. This archaic blueprint
continues to undermine all relationship endeavors, not just romantic
ones--and curtails productive, healthy personal and professional
alliances.
Love
is an ever-expanding sense of trust in another, along with
admiration and respect for their character, attributes and talents.
The feelings you've had for this woman aren't actually "Love,"
they're infatuation, addiction and obsession. Using this word in
reference to her, keeps you trapped in painful yearning--so try
and drop it from your vocabulary. You were understandably inebriated
with how her attention helped you feel about Yourself, but real
love is neither painful nor obsessional. Pain may have become associated
and confused with
loving throughout your childhood--but it's the antithesis
of consistently stable, nourishing relationships.
This
article is 'under construction,' and the first that's being shared
with you as a work in progress. As it expands, you'll be reading
more--so check back often. This is a companion piece to my more
extensive pages on dangerous
borderline disordered women. It's meant to help you realize you're
not alone in your struggle, and there's solid help available.
Any length of time spent with a Borderline can be tormenting and
toxic. Regardless of where you are in this world, if you're
English speaking, call (323) 936-3637 anytime day or night.
Leave a number if I miss you, and I'll get back to you very shortly.